Use Your Strengths to Have a Huge Impact on Your Relationship w/ Nermine Zakhary (Ep.2)

Did you know that our strengths can have a huge positive impact in our relationship, as well as a negative impact? Yep. We can influence, create change, and spearhead transformation in our relationship with our strengths. But if we are not intentional about how we use them, they can also be misused and be detrimental to our relationship… 

It all starts with having awareness of our strengths, owning them, and understanding how to use them… For then we can capitalize on what they offer making our interactions smoother and more meaningful. 

When we intentionally operate from our strengths we radiate, entice, and invite others to a wonderful dance with us.  We have impact in the moment, on our partner’s experience, and on their heart. 

When we lead with our strengths, cultivate them, and use them to complement and align with our partner in our mindset, communication, interactions, connection and collaboration we have a huge impact on creating the relationship of our dreams… 

Today we have another special episode with a wonderful guest, Nermine Zakhary, speaking on how to discover and use our strengths.  

We have a fabulous time delving into strengths and how they impact our relationship, and we explored mine to illustrate the power of using our strengths intentionally. 

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🌟ABOUT OUR GUEST:

Nermine Zakhary is a Certified People Acuity Coach™ & Positive Intelligence & Metal Fitness Coach, specializing in the application of strengths to accelerate performance, energy, relationships, and results and handling life's challenges with a positive mindset. She has 15+ years of experience in the training industry and holds a master’s degree in Education, specializing in Instructional Design for Online Learning.  www.Strengths-Edge.com 

Gifts from Nermine: 

~Book Chapter she contributed to: Hidden Potential 

~Complimentary Discovery Call

Find her here: 

Facebook | LinkedIn | Instagram 

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🌟MENTIONED INSIDE:

Gallup CliftonStrengths Assessment


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🌟MORE ON THIS EPISODE:

Watch the YouTube Video! 

More on the Strengths on our Podcast Page  

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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.

Transcript

Emma : 0:25

Hello, lovelies, welcome to another episode. I am so excited today for our special guest, Nermeen Sakkari. We talk about how our strengths could have a negative or a positive impact on our partner or our relationship, depending on how we use them. But before we turn to the episode, I would like to give a shout out to Bayjeet for being a loyal listener. We have a wonderful topic today, one that is close and dear to my heart, little different than the usual, so I'm so excited to bring this to you, and that is talking about strengths. And, of course, we focus on the positive and we talk about strengths all the time, but we have this very special way of talking about them today so that we could use them properly, identify them, use them in our relationship, know our partners and they bring theirs to us, and then together we could create the amazing relationship that we want. And to have this conversation, who better than Nermine Zakhary? I am so excited to bring her to you today.

Emma : 1:33

She's a certified people acuity coach and a positive intelligence coach, specializing in the application of strengths to accelerate performance, energy, relationships and results. Positive intelligence as the layer of mental fitness how to handle life from a positive mindset and perspective to ensure a lifelong application of our strengths so that we can create what we want. Nermine coaches individuals and small groups and also facilitates workshops to teach strategies for clients to define their optimal zones, how they operate in their best and how to thrive. Nermine comes to strengths and positive intelligence with 15 years of experience in the training industry, she holds a master's degree in education, specializing in instructional design for online learning. She is a learned cookie. We love that and I love that. She brings this very specialized knowledge that I want to enrich our conversation with. I am so excited to have you here, Nermine. Hi, how are you today?

Nermine: 2:41

I'm doing great, Emma. I'm so glad to be here. Thank you.

Emma : 2:45

Of course, my pleasure. I am so excited that we decided to do this and we're gonna have so much fun, okay, so why are we talking about strengths? What are strengths? Go right ahead, hook us up with that.

Nermine: 2:59

All right, what is a strength? A strength is first of all our natural way of thinking, feeling and doing, and so we kind of, when we build on that, we start with our. Those are our natural talents, the ways we naturally think, feel and behave. When we build on that with knowledge, when we add skills, when we practice, we produce then a strength which is defined by Gallup our ability to consistently provide near perfect performance in a specific activity. So that is the beginnings of understanding what a strength is.

Emma : 3:41

That is amazing. So we are saying, okay, so the way that we look at things, the way that we feel and the way that we act, our specific, unique way of doing those three things, is our strength, right In a nutshell. And when we know what that is, in our style or our version of it, we could really then bring our strengths to create the highest performance or the best quality of life or the best relationship. Excellent, very, very nice, very nice. So how would you know what your strengths are given those three things, what would you say, how would you distill them and how would you know what your strengths are?

Nermine: 4:21

Oh there's. I love that question because I think when I was first introduced to strengths, certainly if someone had asked me, I wouldn't have been able to tell you. We know that in interviews people get asked what are your strengths and weaknesses? I would not have been able to tell you.

Nermine: 4:39

And what's wonderful in our day and age is that there's been much research done and wonderful assessments to help us identify and label our strengths. So now we have a language, we can become fluent in this language of strengths. And so one of the strengths, the one of the tools that I use in my coaching practice, is the Clifton Strengths Assessment and again, it's based on many years of research. They've uncovered hundreds of talents and in the process of categorizing them and grouping them, they mathematically organized them into these 34 general talent themes and upon and then they created an assessment for us. So completely that's convenient, it is very convenient. And with this assessment it ranks all 34 talent themes for you in the order of dominance, and all we really need is our first, our top five, to get started in our strengths journey.

Emma : 5:50

Oh, I love that, I love that little background as I share with you. Before we started recording, I have done the assessment, I have mine and I swear by them because I know how I mean. I just feel them. I know that when I lean into this strength, that I am super happy to say right, I guess the easiest way to describe this and so when I'm capitalizing on them, that's when I'm the most productive, the most inspired, the most happy, joyful, and I mean all the things happen, all the bells ring right, if you may.

Emma : 6:26

And I love that little background in that it comes from the research and all of the data was broken down into this 34 categories and the most prevalent ones, and sorted in a way that when we know our top five, it's sorted so that we could understand the data and then we only need to identify our top five and with that we're pretty hooked up. Like we could pretty much play with those five and really synchronize with ourselves, synchronize with our environment, synchronize with our partner, synchronize with whatever we're trying to do. I might be getting ahead of myself here, but we could use just five, right. I mean, of course, knowing everything is probably great, but just a top five and we could have an educated conversation about our strengths, as opposed to taking a guess or not having come in language. I love that too. Excellent, very, very good. And so what would you suggest then from there? So?

Nermine: 7:19

I would definitely recommend completing the assessment and diving into your reports and having a conversation with someone who's close to you or people who are in your close circles, and ask them well, what do you see as my strengths? How do you see?

Nermine: 7:40

Me contributing, where do I make an impact? Or what are you always looking for and waiting on from me? So you know, the thing is we need it's important to have that outside reflection. Something else that you can do and I think is really helpful is to start noticing. Start noticing where you are. You know the activities that you're naturally drawn to Think about. When does learning come easy for me? Also, when am I feeling that deep, deep satisfaction, contentment, when I've completed an activity? Or when do you experience timelessness? You are so engrossed in an activity and you just lose all track of time. And then, finally, something else to really pay attention to is those glimpses of excellence, when you completed something and you're like, wow, I just did that. How do you really take stock of those things? Start noticing and paying attention.

Emma : 8:50

I love how you list different ways and then we could be aware what could be indicators of what our strengths or positive mojo is and just how to be mindful. I love that. First part of that is how to ask for that feedback. You could ask your friends, your family, your definitely your partner when do I make the most impact? I love that. When do I make the most impact? What are the things that you kind of expect from me, because you know that I'm good at? What are the things that I take care of for us that you appreciate that they follow or flow from my strength? So, getting that feedback and then also being aware for ourselves in all the different ways where there's a blast in the moment, if you may, in different ways, either achievement, working, participating in something or whatever contributing in some way where we get that internal knowledge of like, okay, I think I'm on to something right now. Yeah, lovely.

Nermine: 9:56

Can I add something to that? Just the importance, why it's important to have that outside reflection, of course, and why the tool is so important. Our strengths are so innate to us, emma, that most of the time we can't really see them. It's just how I show up, it's what I do, it's my easy button, it's how I make decisions. I don't think it's anything special, it's just who I am and that's why it's so useful to have an external source, something outside of me, to help me see my gifts. And so having that personal reflection time, paying attention, having the strengths, finder results and having conversations with others, is extremely helpful and beginning to really see what's unique and special about me.

Emma : 10:54

So that's so pretty. Yeah, that is such a valid point too, in that we take it for granted. This is who we are. This is how we operate. We show up whatever. This is what I do. We might know that it's a skill set or a strength. To some extent, this is the thing that I'm good at Something like that, maybe. But we might not be as aware of to the extent that this is woven into the fabric of who we are, how we are showing up with that and how others pick it up. That's the essence of us.

Emma : 11:27

They just kind of describe us ultimately. So that's so good. So have their feedback. The assessment will confirm, We'll give it language for the things and then just keeping an eye ball on our own experience, that awareness that's helpful as well. Awesome. Is there a time when our strengths I don't know if this is a tricky question when our strengths are actually our weaknesses, is that? I don't know if that's a weird thought.

Nermine: 12:04

No, it's actually. It's a real thing. It's a real thing because our strengths are just how we show up, what we do. They're innate to us, we're comfortable in them, right. So when we're comfortable in them, we tend to use them and sometimes overuse them. And when we know that when we overuse something, or sometimes underuse it, right, when we overuse especially anything in extreme, we know that anything in extreme becomes a lot less effective than when something is done in its proper amounts, in moderation. So when I overuse a strength, then it very likely it can show up and present itself as a weakness. I can give you a very specific example, please, that's beautiful.

Nermine: 13:07

I lead with adaptability. Adaptability is my number one strength and it allows me to be flexible and it allows me to create options. I love variety and bring that into so much of everything that I do Now when I again that's in its proper amounts, when I overuse my flexibility.

Nermine: 13:32

I become so flexible to the point where I can't make a decision, Love it and it hurts me and it hurts the people around me. I can't, you know, it doesn't serve my relationships when I can't make a decision and it gets in the way of my effectiveness. And the flip side when I, you know, there might be times when I choose to not use it for whatever reason, and then I become stubborn.

Emma : 14:04

Oh, how interesting.

Nermine: 14:05

So this gift, on one side it's overdone, it's not helping. On the other side, it's you know, and then I could show up as not being flexible at all.

Emma : 14:16

Right, I love that. Wow, this has taken my knowledge of strengths and of this particular concept of strengths to a whole new level. I love it. I think that that observation of where you could go, to the polarity where okay, so if I'm being too flexible, too adaptable, then I can make decisions because it's like, okay, whatever you want, whatever you want, yeah, anything goes. And then how do you choose? Right. So I totally get that. I also hear in there an element of people pleasing, right. So if it goes to the extreme, it's like flexible and adaptable to the point where where everybody else wants goes first, and maybe I could lose myself in that if that were the case. And I love the observation where it plays out, how it plays out on the other side. Well, I'm not going to use my adaptability in there, for it could be stubborn and not flexible at all. I love it. Wow, I can't wait to dive into mine now.

Nermine: 15:16

This is getting super exciting Suspense is killing me, Emma, I know.

Emma : 15:21

So, just for the audience, for those of you listening, Nermine and I chose not to disclose my strengths so that she could be properly shocked when I share them on the show. All right, very good, I love it. Let's see if, before we dive, I mean, is this a good time to dive into mine, you think, or should we first go into the contributions and the needs are inherent in the strengths? What do you think would make more sense? Well, let's, let's. Why don't we give some context?

Nermine: 15:48

Around that, yes, please, and then and then see how they play out with with your strengths. Something really important to understand is it's foundational in the application of strengths is that our strengths inform the types of contributions that we make and also what we need in order to show up at our best. Yeah, and it's really important to understand, to be able to articulate what it is that you do contribute, and not only what you contribute, but the impact that it makes, because you're making an impact. These beautiful gifts that you bring into the world have an incredible potential, and so it's really important to see where they have and what else is possible. And, by the same token, in order for me to show up, certain needs have to be met. There's a certain environment and certain conditions under which I thrive, and the more I understand what those needs are, the better equipped I am to get them met so that I can perform at my best.

Emma : 17:13

Oh good, exactly so. For me to be able to use my strengths properly, I need to be in an okay place, so I need to be resourced, I have to have my needs met and my environment needs to be a certain way. So a little clarification. So do the specific strengths have their own needs that are associated with them, and therefore it's good for me to know what my strengths are and therefore, what might I need to be able to use that strength properly. Anything else about that in terms of what might that look like with a strength and what might be in needs so far so that we can utilize the strengths properly? Any thoughts about that?

Nermine: 18:01

An example would be, for example. So I offer flexibility in my adaptability, but one of the things I need. I need that flexibility. I need to turn a space to make decisions. Packing for me is horrendous. Packing for a trip, especially to a place I've never been, is an excruciatingly painful oh my gosh I could totally relate.

Emma : 18:34

I could totally relate, even though this is not one of mine.

Nermine: 18:36

But I could totally relate like you had to cover all of your bases, right.

Emma : 18:39

I need the bathing suits, do I need the hiking boots? Do I need the raincoat? Do I need all of the things? Right, exactly.

Nermine: 18:46

Exactly so. It's what I've learned. I need space to really consider and I also need options, because when I'm in a new place, I might decide that I'm in the mood for this instead of that. I need options. So I have to figure out how to realistically pack for some options, especially when I'm traveling by plane and when we're traveling by car. My husband knows now that I just need an extra bag for my shoes and one or two other purses. Maybe you know, and it's understanding, and God bless him, he's given me the space to you know, just to have really to create. I need the options. I need the options.

Emma : 19:40

I love that. That is so smart, yeah. So how do we pack? So, building the flexibility to then, when we are at the place that we're going to be able to exercise those choices in that adaptability. So I could yes, I could go to the top of the mountain. I could also go to the bottom of the sea, right? So so good, perfect, very nice, okay. So are you ready for mine?

Nermine: 20:05

Yes.

Emma : 20:07

Okay, so my first one is achiever, my second one is futuristic, my third one is strategic, my fourth one is relator, thank goodness. And my fifth one is focus. I know that's what I was waiting for exactly. I know I'm special, you are you absolutely are, and these are amazing. Okay, so tell me, what do you make of them?

Nermine: 20:40

Well, all right. So this is a good time to just share a little bit more, share just another layer of strengths that would be very useful in understanding your top five Perfect Strengths based leadership. Further categorized the 34 talent themes, what they found was that half of them are task oriented and the other half are relationship oriented. The task oriented strengths have two ends of the spectrum. We have our strategic thinkers and we have people who, with executing strengths On the relationship side. We have our influencers on one end of the spectrum and we have our relationship builders on one end of the spectrum. And let me just kind of further define them for you real quick.

Emma : 21:37

Let me, let's recap that first a little bit. Let me make sure that I followed you and this is also for our audience. So the people who did the research had this 34 final strengths. They further sorted them into two areas the tasks oriented ones and the relationship oriented ones. The task oriented ones fall under the strategic thinking and executing things, like doing stuff, and the relationship ones fall under the influencing and relationship, like actually relating and interacting. Perfect, exactly, all right, perfect.

Nermine: 22:14

Beautiful. So our strategic thinkers are the ones who keep us focused on possibilities, on what could be. Executing strengths are the ones who make it happen. They're the doing. Our influencers are the ones who take the take the teams, ideas and sell them to the rest of the world. And our relationship builders are the glue that hold us together. So, my friend, you have two executing strengths. You lead with an executing strength, so achiever and focus Right. You have two strategic thinking strengths right, futuristic and strategic, and you have a relationship building strength in a later right, and so that's what's beautiful is that you're about, you're just. You're about making stuff happen, and I love your focus that you're able to shut out what's not relevant in the moment and keep us on track. And achiever just looks for excellence, looks for you. Probably. You love your to do lists.

Nermine: 23:36

A good day is when everything that you had planned to do got done. That's right, and and so it's really about accomplishment every single day Small things, big things, big projects, with focus. You have this stamina to stay on course and finish what you start. Yep, and so between the two of those, you're you're just you're. You make things happen. You make those happen Now. Futuristic and strategic. Futuristic means you have a vision for the future, you see a few steps ahead and, more so than than others, you know where you can take us, you know what the possibilities are. Yep, what's beautiful about the, the, the combination with strategic, is you've got to, you have a plan, see, you have a vision and you've got a plan for how to get us there. That is right. And if in this and it's okay you're flexible and that you're not stuck on your plan because you've always you've got plan a, b and c, that's right. And if plan B and if plan A doesn't work, no worries, no problem.

Emma : 24:56

On to the next thing. What I love about this observation and looking at it this way, is that, as you were saying, that I'm thinking of the couples that I work with and how I apply these strengths to my couples work right, so I have a vision for them, I know they're going to be fine, they're going to be amazing, they're going to be epic, and I know how I'm going to get them there right, and so I love that side of those strengths, the way that you set them. It totally brought me back into like, yep, that's how I hook up my clients, that's how I help the couples right, so I see the vision for them. So that's beautiful.

Nermine: 25:33

That's. That's incredible, incredible. And and then later really really thrives on those close relationships One on one. You have a gift for connecting with individuals and thrive on that teamwork. There's something really powerful. But you have your couples in a meeting with you and you're in it together Like we're going to, we're going to figure this out. That's right. There's nothing more probably fulfilling, I would imagine then achieving it together. This you know. The RELATOR loves the teamwork and the doing it together. Achiever is satisfied. You stay focused with them. You have, you know exactly I love what you said you have a vision for where the relationship can go and you know exactly how you're going to get them there and you do it together and you, just you connect with them in a very special way. Beautiful.

Emma : 26:37

Yes, that's all of that. So resonate, thank you. Yeah, the RELATOR part, when I mean I have so much doing, right, I have so much of the task side of that whole equation. So most of my strengths are task focus, not the relationship focus, which is an interesting observation given that I'm a relationship therapist.

Emma : 27:01

But when we throw in that RELATOR, right and I love that you called out the glue earlier and when that piece gets neglected because from all the other four, the other four could overpower the RELATOR, right. And so I have to be very intentional that I nurture that RELATOR part and that I take care of it and that I give it everything that it needs so that I feel balanced and I don't spend myself. The other strengths could spend me, right. So we're going to get into what we need and the weaknesses side of this now, right. So I love this and in terms of my work with couples, of course, if the RELATOR is like that connection, I feel them right, and I just bring the piece where the three of us usually couple setting. We are connected and I feel the connection between them and even if they don't feel it, it's very interesting and so, yeah, so if I didn't have that RELATOR poor me, I love that.

Nermine: 28:10

You the observation that you made, emma, about that your task-oriented strengths could overpower the RELATOR and you bring us to a really important point the importance of our strengths being in balance with each other, and that's when we show up at our best. Actually, one of my clients till this day, every time we meet, she talks about this aha moment, that it was like the particular when we were reviewing some success stories or previous employment. Just my most satisfying and most successful experience was when all of my strengths were at play and were allowed to play together at the proper amounts, and that's all of them have an opportunity to show up and I get to use them in the proper amounts. It's when one of them goes haywire or decides to take control or goes into the. I'm really comfortable here. I'm going to go do a little bit more of this. That's when we get into trouble and when we're out of balance. That's when we're not presenting ourselves in our best light.

Emma : 29:28

Right, exactly, Very, very good. Yeah, and it's interesting. I wonder also if, because my RELATOR is so lonely on the relational side of the whole spectrum, my other four strengths fall on the test side. If that is why I'm so attuned and develop that strength, it has to compensate for being by itself on that side. It has to compensate a little bit, and so that all of my work is around connection. Yeah, right, so how interesting is that?

Nermine: 30:06

It's also you also apply your other, your strengths, though, in such a powerful way. If you were it's very hypothetical, but if you were all just relationship building, it would be about just about the you would don't get me wrong and there could be a relationship therapist in the next room that leads with all top, all relationship skills, and they're successful because they lean into their gifts and that's how they show up and that's how they serve. How you are, you are actively and brilliantly leaning into your task oriented strengths in order to serve your clients.

Nermine: 30:54

Oh, my goodness thank you so much for that.

Emma : 30:57

I feel so validated. Thank you, you know what. Let me tell you a little side story about having all relational strengths. I actually have. All my team members take this test. I want to say all of them depends on what category they serve the practice and their clients.

Emma : 31:18

And one time I had a practice manager who took the test and she had all relator I was. I couldn't even believe it. She had five relationship strengths and she couldn't get anything done. I had to be in the room with her because I had to show her and she wanted me to watch it and see what she was doing, tell her and talk to her process with her walk through it. It wasn't just like, okay, training, and you're on your own.

Emma : 31:47

I had to be in the room for her to be able to function and I was like, okay, how is this going to work? Right, it was crazy. And I was like, oh my goodness. So we gave it a shot, but it ended up not working because she couldn't function if I wasn't in the room and working hard through everything all of the time not initially. I just had to be present for her to be able to function. I couldn't believe it. So I totally understand what you just said, that I use all my other strengths to create all the things that I create to actually serve our clients, not just in the therapy room, but all of the things. Yes, Thank you.

Nermine: 32:18

Yeah.

Emma : 32:19

Awesome, okay. So what are then? What's the other side of this? What could be the needs of the strengths Like for me to, for example, if you're going to keep using me for me to show up with my best self, how do I honor their strengths and what are the needs that I would need to meet to use them to the best that I can? And for those people who are going to be taking the test, they could translate this for themselves so they could figure out. Okay. So if these are my strengths, then what do I need to do to make sure that I use my strength and I serve myself and my relationship right?

Nermine: 32:52

All right, so you lead with, with an executing strength. So let's go there first. First of all, the ways that you contribute are that you provide us with concrete reality. You provide us with details, goals, processes. By the way, what I'm sharing with you, emma, are high level, general for that domain, for the executing domain. Your strengths, your specific strengths, offer very specific contributions and there's some typical that we could list, and you know, a conversation helps us really articulate how you contribute, but we're going to go. We'll just keep at high level for now. Yes, please. So you're so achiever and focus. Help. Help you provide us with a concrete reality, with details, goals with, with processes for how to how to get us from A to B, and to do that well, you need things to be practical and applicable. You appreciate a step by step guide for things, just like you provide us with the goals. Make sure that the goals are very clear up front.

Nermine: 34:12

You need the goal in order to show up and perform, and also you know the systems, the processes, the rules to be in place and to be understood before you dive into something, and when one of those is missing, that's when you might feel off balance or not fully aligned with what needs to happen. So, if a goal is not fully stated, you're stepping into a project and no one can articulate the goal Right. No, it's just, it doesn't align and you can't function like you normally would. For strategic thinking, that's your futuristic and strategic. You provide us with, you create possibilities for us, you provide us with a direction, with information and ideas. To do it well, you need the room to imagine. You need always need that high level why and what? Why are we here? Be able to give and share information with others and to be able to explore ideas in their meaning.

Nermine: 35:22

Again, when something is missing, when your ideas are being shut down, or when you're not allowed to express or share ideas just a give and take then you feel shut down and you're not, don't feel like you're able to perform as you normally would. And then relationship building you connect, invite, listen and accept us. Just create this really safe, beautiful space in order to authentically show up. You need authentic relationship, that's right. You need encouragement. You're an amazing listener. You also need someone to listen and be in a place of non-judgment. Again, these are very high level, according to the relationship building theme or domain, I would say. But this is a jumping point, a launchpad for you to really start thinking about. What is it that I specifically need, or my strengths specifically need, right?

Emma : 36:25

I love that overview of where my particular strengths fall under. Okay, so, if you're in the task doing execution place, this is what you would need and this is how you show up, and if you're more in the relational side, this is what you need and how you will show up. And then, if you have more of the futuristic strategic approach, same thing, excellent. So I love that you sorted my strengths into the four pillars. We didn't highlight this. There's the fourth pillar, which is the influence thing, and so my understanding from this conversation so far is that four of mine fall on the two of the taskmaster ones the execution and the taskmaster, yes, yes, the execution and the strategic. And the other one is the relator. But there's a fourth one, the influence thing, one that I don't have any on Right and that's where. Well, so go right ahead, I'll let you talk.

Nermine: 37:29

No, no, no, In your top five. You don't have one in your top five. It may be you might have one in six, seven, eight, nine, 10. That's true or maybe not, and that's okay, because when we land in our strengths, emma, we have influence. When we land in our strengths, we have influence. So you have influence because, simply that you are applying your strengths and showing up at your best every day. Our influencers, though? Let me just to lay it out, spell it out, because for our influencers out there they are you contribute by convincing us, you ignite us, you enroll us, you energize us. To do that well, you need to be able to verbally process your ideas. You need to be connected to something important, connected to a cause. You need validation. And, just like you provide us with energy, you need energy.

Emma : 38:31

I love that, beautiful, and maybe we connected more to the relationship now the romantic relationship. So what is my contribution? If this is my strengths, how can I best contribute through them and how might they get in the way If, like we said before, over or underuse them? What are the needs and just how do we play with that in a dynamic way? I have them, my husband has them. Now what Right? So all?

Nermine: 39:00

Right, we've established that our strengths inform how we contribute, what we need. There are easy button how we make decisions. Let me share with you the strengths lens model. I think that if you were to draw out a circle and the circle is a problem or the circle represents a problem that you are trying to solve, now the thing is, most of the time we're looking at that circle or thing, that problem that we're trying to solve, and we think that we have all of the answers. Like you know, I got this, I, you know I don't. I'm good.

Nermine: 39:46

The thing is we, there's only a very limited view that we have, and through the lens of our strengths. Now, if I were to thing is that the I'm never outside the problem, that circle, I'm actually in it and I step inside. Now, stepping inside, I'm actually in it. Now, imagine that in the front of me I have my, my strengths are all superimposed around me. So one, one to 30, one to 34 strengths are superimposed around me. What's in front of me, Emma, are my top, are my top strengths. So, anywhere you top seven to 10, we have access to more than our top five. Right, we leverage our six, seven, eight, nine, 10. So say it's up to eight. So in eight there's they're in my primary view. That's that's where I go when I have a problem, that's how I make decisions, and so great I have access to those.

Nermine: 40:48

Now, in my peripheral view, on the side of me, in that circle, I have maybe numbers nine through 16 or so, and I still have access to them. But they're not my go to. When I'm, when I'm trying to figure something out, I might grab one, use it and then tuck it back in, but they're available to me. Now that's in my peripheral view. What's behind me sit in my blind spot. So that's numbers. They say say roughly 17 to 34. That's almost half of them, roughly half of them, but technically really sit in my blind spot and I have a lot less access to those. I can't really see them. It's hard for me to to understand how they operate or why they do what they do or how they think the way they think how interesting.

Emma : 41:46

So the comment that you made much earlier about asking for that feedback or for that observation from our loved ones, so that they could also kind of show us like, oh well, I see this as the strength, or I see this as your strength. They might be the ones that are behind us, but we might be like, really, that's me, like I realized that I'm courageous, or whatever.

Nermine: 42:08

Right.

Emma : 42:10

Love it.

Nermine: 42:14

So what's interesting is that we will have people in our world that we clash with, that we might have some conflict there. We don't understand, we don't see eye to eye on things, and oftentimes it's people that are close to us and where their strengths and how they operate and the way they see things very likely sit in my, sit, in my blind spot.

Emma : 42:44

Oh, so you're talking shadows now that could be a whole different podcast, but this is amazing how it's all coming together, wow. So that's what they aggravate us, because we don't see the benefit of them, whatever, but we may have them too, which is now getting in touch with them, and so whatever bothers us about somebody else is we usually have.

Nermine: 43:05

That's the shadows work, yeah.

Emma : 43:07

It's really great.

Nermine: 43:09

But I mean in the context of from a strengths lens perspective, assuming that we have, it's very likely that my strengths might sit in your blind spot and your strengths might sit in my blind spot, and that means that there's an opportunity, a greater opportunity, for us to clash because we don't understand how the other person operates or why they operate the way that they do. Nice. So, and then the thing we don't understand we tend to reject. Yep, we go on a really interesting journey when we begin to understand okay, so intellectually we get, I can do things in that you might not do as readily, and vice versa. Okay, we understand that.

Nermine: 44:01

But when we take a look at the 34 strengths and start to think about I have adaptability, maybe I lead with adaptability, but it might be number 34 for my husband. So then where does that take us? So, as far as he's concerned, my adaptability he doesn't understand why I need this flexibility and all of these options and really Nermeen and other parachutes and what have you Right? So, but when we start to look at strengths and adaptability and all of the other strengths, when we start to look at how the my strength could be in someone else's blind spot. That understanding that they don't see it, they don't understand it, allows us to take the thing that we used to reject and maybe come to a place where we can tolerate it, because now I understand.

Nermine: 45:01

Okay, I don't I the thing is, I don't understand it because it's not something that I have.

Nermine: 45:09

So we've taken now we've shed a layer of a barrier that might be between us and I'm able to see a little bit more clearly that, okay, I get that this is something that that comes naturally for you and is important to you. The next thing is, as I now that I can tolerate that we have this difference, I might start to notice more openly when you're using it actively and I might notice the positive. I might notice how you you contribute in a really interesting way, or the impact that you made in an area that I really didn't know how to handle, and so now I become a little bit more accepting of that difference between us. Later on, now that I've become more accepting, I might invite you to use that in a very specific situation. That really helps me out, and now I begin to appreciate that gift that you have. That's been this difference between us, and now what a blessing it is that you're able to do that and bring that into our relationship and look at what we can accomplish together because of our combined strength.

Emma : 46:31

Amazing. I love how that all comes together and I could just totally integrate that and weave that into relationship theory. Right, and one of the things that we lead with is that opposites attract right, so I might have this strength, you have this strength, and they seem so opposite, or they seem, you know, from the negative side. People might say like, well, I don't understand each other, we can get along, we're incompatible I hate that word, right so people throw around these things. And then, if you instead look at it from the other side, oh, this is a blessing, this is an addition, this is now a way that we complement each other.

Nermine: 47:15

It just changes the conversation from being incompatible, which will?

Emma : 47:21

Strike. Yes, with striking.

Nermine: 47:26

We do complement each other. There are things that we have in common, which is part of maybe what it's, you know, where we were like-minded enough about some things, that that's where we created a connection, and early in the relationship we see the opposites and we see them as a blessing, and later on they start to get on our nerves. And then how do we, how do we get past that? It's by seeing the blessings in those gifts and how they enrich our relationship and the what we can do together, because, because each of us brings something special, exactly so good, beautiful, beautiful.

Emma : 48:06

So any thoughts on how do we use that then to create a well-oiled machine for our home, our everyday life, so that we can create the best epic relationship, what I call a successful relationship in our best life, a meaningful life?

Nermine: 48:29

It's so helpful to have these conversations and, again, thankfully, we have tools like the Clifton Strengths and several other strengths-based tools that we can leverage, that help us give us a language, something that we can kind of rally around and get our heads around and speak about. And a really, really special conversation that couples can have with each other is this is how I see my strengths. This is how I noticed it. You know I contribute. This is how I show up. How do you see it?

Nermine: 49:13

And what is the impact of me showing up like this, like when I can, when I use this strength? What does that mean for you? How does that help you? And in a very positive light. And then, on the flip side, when we're comfortable and we're lifted up, talking about the positives, the way that we contribute, then we can go a little deeper and say this is something that frustrates me sometimes in my strength, about my strength.

Nermine: 49:52

And this is something that or it's something that I'm noticing, I'm that's missing and it's something that I need. And again, once we've, once we've been lifted up, when we're in a positive place, we can have that objective conversation. When we feel like we're owning our strengths, we're more able to ask for what we need, and then it's an opportunity to get closer and see the compatibility.

Emma : 50:26

I love that. Thank you for telling that together so nice, exactly. So I really appreciate the concept of okay, this is my strength, this is how I think I contribute with my strength. What do you think? How am I using my strength to contribute to us? What is the impact of my strength on you and on our relationship in a good way, like how do I contribute? What kind of impact am I making Am I having on you and on us?

Emma : 50:57

And then, once all the yuminess is taken out of, like the whole conversation, and it's all put on the table and it's enjoyed, then we could also go to the next level, which is like okay, and then how does my strength maybe have a negative impact on you? I know how it does it on me. This is how I might do it for me. It is what I need as a result, so that I could actually use my strength for the good, enough for the bad. So I'm the hero, not the villain, I don't know. And then for yourself, when I show up with this other side, what's the negative impact on you If I overdo my strength? What's the impact on you If I underdo my strength? What's the impact on you? This might be kind of like another level of conversation here, and I love that. That's what it takes.

Emma : 51:39

Let's just be curious, let's play, just chat, right, let's just play with this new assessment and how do we use it. And we do the five love languages assessment and we have that conversation. We have that language woven in. This could be the next one, right? So how do we capitalize on our strengths? How do we support our strengths? How do we use them for the good, not overdo them, not underdo them? How do we moderate them? How do we have good impact on each other and ourselves, on their relationship and ultimately, you're not alive? How do we use them to create that? It's life that we want so good. So, nermeen, any last thoughts for couples, partners how to use this, how to support each other, how to bring out the strengths and use them the best that they can for themselves and their partners?

Nermine: 52:34

You know, each of us has unique gifts and the invitation is for us to uncover them and to own them and seek opportunities to use them to bless our relationships. And not only that, but also how can I seek out and really notice the gifts of my partner?

Emma : 52:58

Oh my gosh, what a perfect note to end on. Yes, exactly because we're very good at noticing the stuff that we don't like. Right, that's the conversation that we have in sessions all the time. We just notice things that don't work and how they don't meet our needs, are supposed to do the beautiful things that they bring terrific, and that's why we do have the appreciations. We start all of our sessions with appreciation, so this could be added to them, and I noticed that you use your strength this way, or, you know, like this. I really appreciate how this particular strength impacted us Amazing, so so good. Well, Nermine, I'm going to put all of your contact information and all of the awesomeness in the show notes and if you want to tell us how people, what people, could get from you, I think that you have a little gift that you want to share, and then they could get the details through the links and everything. I have everything on the show notes, but just like you could just mention it so people know what it is.

Nermine: 53:53

Thank you for that opportunity, Emma, to share two things I have for your audience. The first is I was had the beautiful opportunity to participate in an anthology last year and I wrote a chapter called hidden potential, and it's really about it's my story about how I fell in love with strengths and some of the nuggets I've taken along the way that that I hope would be useful to you to start exploring your strengths and and figuring out how to to use them and apply them to enrich your life. Nice, I'm happy to share that chapter with your audience and would love to, if any of this struck a chord with you and you'd like to take a deeper, take a look and see what, what you might need individually, personally, or as a as a couple, perhaps, to go deeper, deeper into strengths. I would love the opportunity to have a conversation and share my my calendar link to hop on a call.

Emma : 55:01

And they will thank you for that. So we'll we'll share that chapter to inspire people and see how they could use this to grow and enrich their relationship and nurture it. And, if they want to take it a step further, beyond what we talked about and beyond just taking the assessment, so they understand what the assessment is and how to use it to connect with you for further conversation, very good, well, thank you so very much for sharing your time and your wisdom. I learned a lot about myself and I took a bunch of nuggets to use in my sessions with couples as well, so I totally appreciate it and I thank you for being here today.

Nermine: 55:40

I loved our conversation, Emma, and so appreciate the opportunity to hang out with you a little bit and be here with you.

Emma : 55:48

Thank you, it was a pleasure and for the listeners. I will see you at the next one. Bye.