Successful Relationship with Emma

The Top 10 Tactics to Ensure Lasting Love in Your Relationship - Emma Solo (Ep.3)

• Emma Viglucci • Episode 3

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If you think being in or creating a Successful Relationship is hard, you’ve got it wrong! 

Hey, I get it that sometimes our relationship can be really frustrating and that we might feel like we spin our wheels and can’t make the changes we desire. I get it because I’ve been there, and because I see this with many clients we’ve served over the years.

It might feel impossible to create change in our relationship and to create the relationship we desire when we are struggling with our partner, but it is not.

The 5 Elements of the Successful Relationship Strategy cover the targeted areas to focus on with your partner to seamlessly create a transformation in your relationship. When we intentionally focus on showing up differently, improving our skills, using better tools, changing our patterns and investing in our relationship in these areas- there is no not to create change in our relationship…

In today’s episode I fly solo and share 2 tactics for each of these areas that you can implement right away for immediate results in your relationship…

Element1 – Context & Mindset: Empower Yourself 

~Partnership Mindset

~Effective Boundaries

Element2 – Communication & Alignment: Improve Understanding

~Simple Powerful Skills

~Speak for Yourself

Element3 – Clarity & Dynamics: Change Patterns

~Meet Your Needs

~Give Something Different

Element4 – Connection & Intimacy: Deepen Connection

~Connection Habits

~Really Date Your Partner

Element5 – Collaboration & Partnership: Become a Team

~Working Life Vision

~Divide and Conquer Approach

Includes Great Practical Takeaways! 


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🌟MENTIONED INSIDE:

YouTube Successful Relationship Strategy™ Series 

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🌟MORE ON THIS EPISODE:

Watch the YouTube Video! 

More about the podcast on our Podcast Page 

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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.



Emma:

Hello, lovelies. Today I have a very special guest for us, and that is me. Well, kidding aside, yes, I decided to do a solo episode so that I could teach you our successful relationship strategy that helps our couples transform their relationship and take it to the next level, and by the end of the recording, you will have 10 top tactics to help you create lasting love in your relationship. Also, at the end, I give you some other takeaways so that, in all, you could implement things immediately to start creating the changes that you want in your relationship. Stay tuned, you're in for a treat. Today, I want to share with you the top 10 tactics for ensuring a long, lasting love in your relationship. Now, these tactics flow from our successful relationship strategy, which is the concept that I developed over time after working with so many couples for so many years, because I realized that the work that we were doing with couples, even though it was unique to each couple, it had the same feeling and the same patterns and the same things that we were covering, and so I boiled down the whole work into five areas, five elements that, when couples play and address and work within these elements, they really could create the change that they want in their relationship. And so today I want to give you a high level description of the five elements, and then I'm going to give you two tactics per element. So if you looking to transform or enrich your relationship or bring it to the next level, when you address these tactics, it would help you do that. Okay, so, without further ado, I'm going to jump in into the elements with their specific tactics that I want to share with you today, and then, at the end, I'm going to give you specific takeaways so that you can start implementing very tangible, practical ways of integrating what you learned today into your life and start creating the changes that you want.

Emma:

Okay, so the first one ELEMENT ONE is called context and mindset. This one has to do with how you look at your relationship, at your life, at yourself, what kind of mindset you have around connection, intimacy, relationship, commitment, marriage, partner, your belief systems, your thought patterns, like everything that goes on through your mind, what you create with your mind, belongs within this specific element, and also any patterns that you might have in your thought processes and distorted cognitions and eliminating beliefs. All that kind of stuff falls within this element, and so when we work to clean this up and align it with what serves you more for your relationship and for your life, you could create some pretty amazing changes.

Emma:

So the first thing that I want to offer, the first tactic (TACTIC 1), is to up level your relationship mindset to that of you being allies with your partners and that enemies if you're having a hard time, right. So I'm sure you're familiar that when you're struggling with your partner, you usually look at them as the enemy. When you're having a fight, you want to win, right. So you go for the jugular and you want to make sure that you win the argument that you're proven right and that your partner's proven wrong. And, like I like to say to my couples, this is not a jury or as a court of law or a federal case. We're not out to win. We're here to connect and to be on the same page and to work as partners and be allies in life.

Emma:

Right, this is your partner, and I like to call him partner with a capital P. That's one of the most important people in your life, and so we should treat him as such, because they are your life partner. It all doesn't get any bigger than that. All right. So what we want to do is clean up our thinking, where you might look at your partner as the enemy, as how much they suck or their weaknesses or how they don't meet your needs and like, just focus on that. And instead you want to refocus on how they are a gift in your life, how they do compliment you, how they do support you, how they do have your back, how they make your life richer, how they are part of enriching your life. Right, and so looking at your partner with that different mindset, then treating them as an ally, that's as a filter for everything else that you would do with them and that influences everything that comes out of your mouth and all of your actions. So, just cleaning up that little filter, looking at your partner as your ally, not your enemy. Even when you are you, you were arguing differently. When you're trying to make a point or to work something out, you would address them very differently. Okay, that's tactic one shift your mindset to your partner as an ally, not an enemy, alright, so now TACTIC 2 for this element is setting effective boundaries.

Emma:

I talk about boundaries all the time, and this is such a major concept because people don't usually have good boundaries. When we don't have good boundaries, we are very messy. When we're messy, we create messes. So what this means is that when we set effective boundaries, it has to do with fully owning ourselves and not blaming others. And so the easiest way to teach you the concept of setting a more effective boundaries has to do with imagining that you have a hula hoop around your body. So you have an invisible hula hoop around you, around yourself, and inside this hula hoop is everything about you your beliefs, your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, your ethnicity. If you like to eat strawberry ice cream, when you like to brush your teeth, all the things about you are inside the circle. Your partner has one too. Now there's two hula hoops and two circles. They could overlap, and in that overlap is that relationship, that's the joint, mutual stuff.

Emma:

Usually, what partners like to do is they like to leave their circle and they go into their partner's circle, and they go into their partner's circle and they like to tell their partner what you think, what you believe, what you feel, what you do, all the things. And in that they left their circle, so their circle, their business, is not being minded, and now they're crowding their partner circle and vice versa. And so what we want to do is not that, because we're not owning our own stuff, we're crowding each other and so we're disempowering ourselves. What we want to do instead is stay in our own circle, where we own all of our stuff and we allow our partner to own theirs. We don't go into their circle and crowd their circle, where then they end up disappearing, shutting down on us. Then we wonder where's our partner? Meanwhile, we're micromanaging and doing all the funny business that makes them go away. So if we stay in our own circle, they stay in their circle. Then we're both empowered.

Emma:

We could take care of our business, to speak from our circle, take care of our business from our circle. Our partner could do the same, and then we come to the middle and we create the awesomeness. Okay, so that's the easiest way to set boundaries to mind that they were operating from our own circle and that we're not going to our partner's circle by telling them how they should be, what they should do and all the things, and now allowing them to come into ours. Right, they shouldn't be telling us what to think, what to feel, what to do. Now, people get tripped up on this because they're like well, if we're in a partnership, I should be able to have feedback or whatever there's a difference in expressing what's happening for us in our feelings and what we need, then we can't tell somebody else how they should be. Okay, we can make requests that honor us and that they care about needs, without telling our partner what to do. We can make requests for behaviors or for actions, and then they could choose from options so that they could choose things to do for us that meets our needs. That is okay for them. You see, we never wanna go against ourselves, and so sometimes partners make requests or do things that would take care of our needs, but it's against our partner's own needs or their preferences or their selves, and that doesn't make any sense. We never wanna undo each other, so we want to take care of that, set that boundary by making requests from our circle and giving options so our partner could choose, and then they were both empowered and nobody gets nullified or canceled, right? So that's the easiest way to set boundaries, to be mindful of operating from our own circle and not each other's, and owning all of our stuff and not our partners.

Emma:

Okay, so that was element ELEMENT TWO. is communication and alignment. I wanna offer two tactics - the first one (TACTIC 3) has to do with improving your skills or actually, even more to the point, actually using your skills, because a lot of us have great communication skills but sometimes we don't use them. So I'm gonna assume that you have pretty good skills. If not, you could do some research. Go on our blog, metrorelationship. com, forward slash blog and do a search for communication. You'll get all kinds of tools and skills and stuff on there. But I'm just gonna give you some quick ones right now to remind you to use what you already have. And in case you don't have some of these, you could learn these right now. And also you could take this further for yourself with your own research, aside from this conversation.

Emma:

Okay, so for skills for today ready, I'm gonna give you three. One again very basic, just reminders when you want to have a significant or an important conversation with your partner, to set time aside for it into, not have distractions, to really be present with each other. Okay, so we want to make sure that we're not having communications on the run as the side note and it's something important, because it's not gonna have its due attention from us so that we won't be able to resolve it. What we want to do is give due importance by picking time to actually go through it, so that we could connect, we could explore, we could really share and we could give it the attention that it needs. So when you're sitting at that time or when you're making a request of your partner for some time to have a conversation, also set the agenda right. So I want to talk about this thing. So then it's clear of what it's about. You both could give it the right importance and you could prioritize it and you could come to the conversation prepared for a good conversation. Okay, so that was one of the skills.

Emma:

The other one is, number two is to, when you do have the conversation, to use attunement. What that means is that you can have some eye contact. You're gonna be present, you're gonna position your body in a way that the message that it gives, the body language, shows that you're open, receptive, available, right. So watch how you position in your body, if you're crossing your arms, your legs, if you're turning that way or the other way, the proximity to each other, like all that kind of stuff, so that everything about you shows that you're open for having a good conversation. Okay so the eye contact, the presence and just how you position in yourself and your body. And then, number three for today, be mindful of your tone, because a lot of times we mean something by the way that we deliver it. It shoots us in the foot like we don't deliver it properly or the way that we intended, and then our partners attune to the tone and then they misinterpret our intention or the message. So just be very intentional about that and also mindful in terms of what words you use, because words are powerful and sometimes we trip ourselves up by choosing words poorly and we just are not doing ourselves any favors. Okay so those are the three, very basic, like I said, but sometimes we forget right, and so if we implement just some of the basic stuff, we're already ahead of the game. So that was tactic one for communication.

Emma:

Tactic 2 (TACTIC 4) for communication this is a bit more advanced and this is to talk about ourselves. Now, this is counterintuitive, because people have been taught that it's selfish or inappropriate to focus on ourselves, but rather to show curiosity, ask questions. That's how you create engaging conversations. That might be true for social events and for networking events and that kind of stuff, but when you're having a conversation with your partner about your relationship or about resolving something in life, in your life together. Talking about ourselves means that we can all address the thing from our perspective what we need, how we are impacted, our desires, how this meets our needs, how we look at something not what your partner's doing wrong how they should look at it, what's going on for them, making assumptions, assigning motives. You see the difference. So we wanna speak from our circle and not going to our partner's circle when we're trying to address something. Huge, if this is the only thing you get for today from this podcast, you're hooked up. Make sure you speak from your circle, much more powerful, because now your partner could stay available, they could hear you and your message, as opposed to putting up defenses because you're attacking them. You see very different. So if we speak about ourselves, our partner could stay present and connected and engaged and they could respond to what we're saying. Yay, okay. So that was number two.

Emma:

Tactic two for the second element, which means we're up to tactic four in all of the 10 for today. So now we're gonna move to element three, which is clarity and dynamics. This one has to do with the loop, the dynamic and the recurring patterns in our relationship. And in case I didn't describe element two, and that has to do with getting on the same page and communicating properly, so that you can communicate your needs, your desires, resolve conflict, address issues, concerns, make decisions, make amends, repair all the things, apologize, all of the things. I have to do with getting on the same page and flowing together and understanding each other. That falls under this element. So now back to ELEMENT THREE to clarity and dynamics. It has to do with your loop.

Emma:

I'm sure you're familiar that there might be a theme in your relationship that just keeps happening. It happens over and over. There's an issue, a fight, a concern that just doesn't go away. You have the same fight over and over, possibly over the same things, or even if it's over different things, it's the same fight, you fight the same way. But also you might have specific themes or topics that just keep recurring that you can't seem to resolve. Okay, so with this one I'm gonna give you the two tactics. Now just a little side note here, for the purpose of this particular conversation and this particular podcast episode go in deeper into why that happens, why you have the recurring patterns and the things coming back over and over.

Emma:

It's a little beyond today's conversation, but I do have a whole YouTube video on that. If you're a client, we have all of this in our membership site. But if you're not, check out that YouTube video. I go a little bit more in depth in terms of what is happening with those dynamics, why you keep looping and repeating things, and that might help you to understand that a little bit better. But for today's conversation, I'm going to give you the shortcut, the hack how to change the loop. I'm going straight for the tactic and changing it, as opposed to explaining why that's happening first. Okay, okay, so then that means that we're up to TACTIC 5.

Emma:

The first thing that I want to offer is how to start changing that loop. So the easiest way is to identify okay, so what is the thing that keeps coming up over and over and over? What is my deal? Why does this thing keep happening? And so, once you identify the thing that keeps happening over and over, look what's underneath that thing, like what is the trigger because usually it's not about the thing, it's the meaning that we assign it or what's underneath it, like what is the trigger that's happening for you? What is the wound that's getting poked, what is the unresolved issue that's actually playing in the background, that's was playing out in that particular scenario. So if you could identify what's underneath, what's getting triggered, then you could translate that trigger into a need and then you could work on getting the need met and just with that little formula, you could transform massively your loop in your relationship dynamics.

Emma:

The thing that keeps repeating. So let me be a little bit more specific. Let's say that the thing that keeps happening in my relationship is that my partner never calls me. Okay, let me get this up. And so when my partner never calls me and I'm waiting for his call every day from work so we could touch base or whatever then my trigger is abandonment. I feel abandoned. If my partner doesn't reach out and he's in touch with me, so I could make the thing oh, you promised you were going to call. You never called me, you don't care about me, blah, blah, blah, blah. I could say you, you, you, you, you.

Emma:

But instead, if I say, oh, when this thing is happening, my trigger is this the core wound as the abandonment, then I could translate that into a need. And so if my wound is abandonment, my need is for connection in a nutshell. So I could say in this little formula if my partner triggers me by not calling, then I could identify, was under that as my abandonment wound, and then I could translate that abandonment wound to a need of connection. And so you see the little formula there was an event, there is a wound that's getting triggered, and then you could translate that to the need. And then the next thing is how do I get that need met? So at the end of the day, it's not per se the thing that my partner did, that gets addressed although it could be but the need for connection is what gets addressed, because if my need for connection is met and I heal more this abandonment wound, then my partner not calling me every day might not be such a big trigger. You see, so that's how you change the patterns. You identify the thing was under it translated into a need and get the need met.

Emma:

Okay, so that was tactic number five. Now TACTIC 6 is similar. Same thing, also about changing the patterns and changing a loop. Now this is about giving your partner a different outcome, because that also changes the loop. So imagine your partner gets triggered. They might have a wound under there, not, might they have a wound under there, and then the work would be for that wound to get translated into a need and for that need to be met, regardless of the thing that initially triggered it. That thing that initially triggered it, doing something about that, can be healing in and of itself. It could be the thing that gets addressed, but it doesn't have to be the thing that takes care of it.

Emma:

Okay, and so from your perspective, from your side, you could actually do something different than what you usually do so you don't trigger the same thing for your partner. You see, you could choose to give me a different response, a different action, making a different choice, a different decision, showing up differently, because the data in of itself won't trigger the same thing and just create the whole cascade of events that usually happen. That's one way. The other way is that you could say I know that my partner's wound is this thing. Therefore, let me do things, should do stuff, to heal that wound, to offer things to my partner that I know would add salve, if you may like, soothe that wound. You will work on meeting that need. So those are ongoing healing. So you both could work on that from those angles, all right. So that last one was tactic number six.

Emma:

Now we're going to move on to ELEMENT FOUR, which is connection and intimacy. I'm going to give you two tactics for this one as tactic 7 so . And then is, actually before I tell you tactic seven, let me explain this element a little bit. This one has to do with how do we create connection and intimacy in our relationship so that we feel the union, we feel the connection, we feel the bond, we feel the love, we feel the joy, we feel together, we feel like we're a unit, we feel united. Sometimes, after a period of time goes by in a relationship, we start feeling less and less of that because we might create more parallel lives or we might really struggle like fight a lot, and we just constantly chopping at that bond. Then we don't feel like a unit, we don't feel strong, why we feel very alone actually. So part of this element is to do things to build that bond, protect that bond, build that connection, enrich the relationship, nurture the partnership, do things to delight your partner and to increase that connection, that intimacy and that fun, I like to say so.

Emma:

Then TACTIC 7 is building connection habits into your relationship so that you can do this without too much effort. You build it into your routine, you build it into your lifestyle. What are the connection habits? So, on a daily basis, weekly basis, monthly basis, what are the things that you put in place? Are recurring behaviors that are habitual, like they're part of what you do, so you don't have to put too much effort in investing in your relationship, you just build it in. When you do this, connection habits you automate taking care of your relationship and your partner and they don't fall to the bottom of the list, which tends to happen very often in most modern relationships. So what are connection habits? Those are just any gestures of love and caring that you do on an ongoing basis in your relationship.

Emma:

So, for example, we might have morning coffee the first thing in the morning. Depending on your work situation and lifestyle, you might have coffee together to just to greet the day and just touch base for the day and just start nice and slow and easy together for the day. You might touch base all around lunchtime. You might have a ritual to transition from work day mode into evening mode, something around dinner or a debrief between the time that you guys finish work into and before dinner where you get on the same page about what happened for the day, how is life going, anything that we need to report, share, get on the same page about. Then you can have dinner and that could be special. It doesn't have to be rushing around or not eating together. You could fear how to do dinner in a way that creates that unity and that cohesiveness in something before bedtime.

Emma:

I'm going to actually give us something yummy one to add here for one of the takeaways, as a suggestion to add here. The whole thing that I just gave you is for like a daily routine, but then you could have something for a weekly basis. On Sunday mornings, we do this on Sunday mornings, we do that. On Friday evenings we do that, you see. So it's like it caters to your lifestyle, into your routine, into your connection habits, to touch points, so that you stay always current, on the same page, together, connected in the know and feeling good and bonded.

Emma:

Okay, so that was number seven. TACTIC 8 which is the second one, for element four, is date your partner. Now, some of you might say I go, that's so basic. We go on dates, we have date night in our relationship. Fine, then you are ahead of the game, you get a gold star. Keep that going. Kudo. Now everybody has that number one and number two. That's also a very basic tactic. So if you don't even have that, I would implement that. You could implement the basic version of that, or what I'm going to offer you. If you already have date night, what I'm going to offer next takes it to the next level. So, either way, whatever you're at, tailor it to yourself.

Emma:

And date your partner means not just go out to have a bite to eat and come back home. Date your partner means that you're going to put effort into wooing your partner. So remember when you first started dating and you used to go out of your way to look handsome, to look beautiful and to do something fun and to what's it? What I'm looking for? Just create excitement right, just to impress your partner, to show you the best side of you. So that's what we're looking to do.

Emma:

Life gets too mundane, especially if you have children. Life gets too domestic and that tends to sap our sexy energy. So your sex life might take a hit, your intimacy might take a hit. You're not feeling as connected as in love, as passionate, as romantical, like I like to say. And so this tactic addresses all of those things. Okay, because to this date now, you're bringing the essence of who you are. You're not bringing the people with the roles and all the responsibilities to the date. That's a killer, right. So we had to leave that at home and we show up to the date with trying to impress our partner, with looking at our best, coming with a good energy, good mojo, just the essence of who we are, not all the roles right and all the doing, and we show up with our best foot forward. That's where the chemistry is.

Emma:

If you go to your more innate energy, you're likely to polarize in your energies from alpha and omega, male and female and regardless of your genders, and that's where they have us as attract. That's where the attraction happens. And so if you're showing up with your essence, you'll end up with your core essence, the essence that's more likely to be you. Now, what we, you show up with on a daily basis. And so you show up with that core essence. That's more likely. You're not the one that you show up with all the time right, which is more like I gotta take care of business, and it's not your innate energy. This happens more for women, where we show up more with an alpha because, as they're doing, we take care of business. You know, we gotta do the home, we gotta do work, whatever. That's more male energy.

Emma:

And when we constantly running with the male energy, our feminine side, our feminine energy dwindles and then you have a lot of male energy in the relationship and that's where people are batting heads and the attraction goes away. But when we tend to pull, when we tend to connect more with that full, more innate essence, which is not so much doing, it's more being and it's more Omega, more feminine. Now we show up with our partner who might be leading with their Omega, with their alpha, and that's where the attraction happens. Now, if your partner leaves more with Omega, more feminine, by all means, then stay in your masculine and that's gonna create the attraction. But so the key here is to be mindful of, okay, what energy is more innate to each of you and for you guys to show up with that energy in that essence, and that's where the sparks fly. So that's what you wanna play with, that's what you wanna show up with to your dates, because that's where the sexiness comes from, that attraction, that passion, that polarity. So get in touch with, okay, what's my primary energy, what's my partner's, or how's my partner showing up? Let me go to the app as a side of mine, right, cause we both have both. So if your partner showing up with one kind, you show up with the other one and then you make the sparks spark. So if you're bringing that to your dates, woohoo, fun times, right. So that's the idea, and this is especially important. If you're having a hard time with intimacy in your relationship, where you're not as intimate as you would like and you're feeling more like siblings or roommates or whatever than lovers and a couple, and then this concept will really behoove you to pay attention to. Now, that is also a very high-level to this tactic. I have more content on this on my website and in all of the places, but for now, that's good enough for you to start playing with that, to start creating change. Okay, so that was tactic eight of the 10 for today.

Emma:

So now we're gonna go into the fifth element (ELEMENT 5), the last element of the successful relationship strategy, and that is collaboration and partnership. Now, this one is fun because this is where you actually get to more proactively do stuff out of all the other elements. The other ones have doing stuff in them too, like practical takeaways, but some of them are more of an internal process, so sometimes they might get lost on us or we might not be as consistent in playing with them, because it's harder to quantify or hang on to or to see right. But with this one it's one of the fun ones because it's really concrete and sometimes it's easier for us to be more concrete. So then TACTIC 9.

Emma:

The first one for this element is creating a joint of vision. Now you could get as complicated or as simple with this one as you like. The complicated version I have a whole process and all of the content places YouTube, my blog posts and if you're a client in the membership sites with the master classes and the deep dives, you could really go into this and flesh it all out. If you're nerdy like me and you just have fun visioning and planning and setting strategies and all that kind of stuff, if you want a simpler version, I'm gonna give it to you right now, which is, you say to your partner okay, what do you think we could be in five years from now? Or where do we wanna be? And you start simple, just curious conversation. You could be as simple and as light as you want.

Emma:

And again, don't do it drive by just like, oh, by the way, and you just throw the question out there and you cut your partner off guard. You're not gonna get a good response. It's gonna be satisfying, but you might wanna sit time aside, or when you're on date night, right? Or when you're out dating. You should not just wanna throw this around and play with this and just be curious and throw ideas around. You might have different ideas. Don't let them mess you up. This is just for curiosity's sake. Dreaming is better than not dreaming.

Emma:

As you go, you go create and you create regardless. You'll create something. You don't have to get hung up on the specifics of what the goal is, what the vision is, what do you want? Cause life evolves and things change as you go anyway. But just have something, because then you have a conversation and you have a north star to lead you and you could course correct and change and upgrade and change your mind and create something new as you desire as you go. But at least have something that you're shooting for and then you bring it down into three years from now. What might that look like.

Emma:

So then for next year, what do we want to accomplish between now and next year? So what does that mean? If, within the year, we're gonna be there, what do we have to do? What do we want to focus on? What are we going to prioritize? Right, and then you start, you're breaking it down even more to like, okay, six months in the next month, so what are the things that we need to put in place to reach that stuff that we want within the year? And then you do this on an yearly basis, you see, and then, before you know, it's five years from now. You created all the things that you wanted and you cross-corrected to create what made sense at the end of the day. But you start with simple conversation. Just be curious, chat, co-create, and then break it down to like a shorter period of time and set some specific actionable items that you want to focus on to help you reach that goal. And then those items brings me now to TACTIC 10, the second one for this element, you divide and conquer. Okay, which items are you gonna take care of? Which items am I gonna take care of? And together you cover all the things, all the responsibilities, and you make more seamless to go create your life and to collaborate in your life into achieve the goals that you want. All right, so hopefully that served you. Those were the 10 tactics flowing from the five elements of the successful relationship strategy, so I'm gonna QUICK RECAP ,ready?

Emma:

So tactic one was to shift your perspective to being allies and not enemies. Tactic two was to set effective boundaries. Tactic three was to remember your communication skills and if you're lacking, go get some. Number four was to speak about you when you have an important conversations about your partner, and not blaming them or attacking them. Don't speak about them. Number five was about identifying what is under the repeating patterns. What is what getting triggered for you, translating that into a need and meeting that need. That's how you change your loop in your recurring patterns. In number five, around the same line of thinking, is Giving your partner an alternate outcome, something different than you usually give them when you start getting stuck in a conversation or a fight or a recurring thing. Give them something different. That also helps change the loop. Number seven is building into your routine and into your lifestyle some connection habits. Number seven is date your partner, not just with merely date night, but take it to the next level, where you really date each other and you show up with different essence and you go to that polarity to really hook yourselves up. Number nine is creating a joint life vision that could serve as a north star to guide you in your approach to creating your life together. Number ten is embracing a collaborative, a divide and conquer approach to co-creating your joint life.

Emma:

Alright, so now I am gonna give you more SPECIFIC TAKEAWAYS . To do this is your assignment, or your homework, if you may. The first one is to invite your partner to have a what I like to call a state-of-the-union conversation. So you just say, like, you know what? Let's check in. How are we doing? It has life. You know how are we doing as a, as a partnership, as a couple, in terms of creating the life that we want to create, and don't make it intense or heavy or shaming or critical or heavy. You know, like, take it easy, it's okay, it's supposed to be light and fun and curious, just nice, right? So then from here, we're gonna build stuff, we're gonna have fun, we can reach our relationship and we create awesomeness. So go into that conversation with that approach, with that energy and then part of that conversation is going to be out of this.

Emma:

Five elements I'm gonna recoup in again in a second, the five, so that you can have them handy, which one that we want to focus on, which one feels like it needs a little bit of tension from us. That will serve us. If we pull that lever, it will make a lot of difference to create a big shift in our relationship in another life. Right, just bring things to the next level. So the five elements again are number one context and mindset. Number two communication and alignment. Number three clarity and dynamics. Number four connection and intimacy. Number five collaboration and partnership. Okay so, take away.

Emma:

Number two is two things one, building to your routine a self-love practice, because when you're taking care of your needs and you're taking care of yourself, you become a lot less triggerable, you create more resilience, you rewire yourself, you repattern yourself, you do all kinds of goodies and in that you're not gonna be so easily trippable when you have an interaction with your partner where you go into a loop, okay so you have recurring things happening. If you take care of you, you'll become less likely to get stuck there. And the other one with this is create a partner love practice. And a partner love practice is what I was talking about in terms of the connection habits. You put in stuff into your routine where you just focus on nurturing your partner, given them special touches and acts of kindness and just beautiful things, so that you take care of them and you show them your love and you seamlessly enrich the relationship and you nurture the relationship.

Emma:

And then three for take away and this is what I have promised earlier. This one is, as part of the connection habits, at nighttime, before bed or any part in the day that makes sense for your life. And if this feels like too much, it doesn't have to be daily, it could be a couple times a week or during the weekend that you pick the cadence that makes sense for you and that is to build in appreciations, so doing appreciation sessions with your partner, when you take a few moments to share with each other all the things that you appreciate about them, that you love about them, that they did recently, how they showed up for the day, how they're working on things, how you could see what efforts they're making or what stretches they did, or whatever. You could highlight all the good stuff that you're noticing that they are working on, or just showing up with because they're showing up with their awesomeness and you notice it or their strengths, right. So anything good that you love about them or that you appreciate that they're doing, you could share with them, and then they could share the same with you. So you both, you do an exchange of appreciations and that's the quickest way to add some good, positive stuff into your relationship.

Emma:

All right, so quick recap for the takeaways. Number one a state of the union conversation. Identify what element you want to focus on so you could you could enrich something that that might need some attention. Number two has two parts self love practice and a partner love practice so you can add habits into your routine to take care of yourself and your partner. In number three, building an appreciation session and some kind of a cadence that makes sense for your life. You decide on the frequency and when this happens and you both get to share what you appreciate about each other. Okay, my loves, hopefully you love that. I would love to hear from you if you have any questions, any thoughts. You know, so which one of the ten tactics you like the most or which element you are playing with and trying to take to the next level. Thank you so much for watching and listening, and I will see you at the next one.

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Emma K Viglucci, LMFT

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