Successful Relationship with Emma

Refresh Your Relationship with Your Adult You w/ Cinthia Hiett (Ep. 13)

• Emma Viglucci • Episode 13

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Doing the same old will continue to generate the same old. As Spring is just around the corner, it is that time of year to do our refresh for newness… When we refresh our environments, situations, and even our approach to our relationship and our life, we create the relationship and life we desire… 

We are already familiar with spring cleaning, cleanses and detoxes, and possibly even clearing our spaces, our body, and our energy. But we might not be so familiar with the idea that we can apply these concepts to our relationship… 

That’s right, we can spring clean our connection habits and lifestyle, clean up toxic interactions, detox from blaming, controlling, interrupting, yelling, and so many other negative relationship habits, clear up grudges, misunderstandings, resentment and so much more… 

In today’s episode, I have a wonderful conversation with Cinthia Hiett, also a relationship expert, who so delightfully shares how to address really being who we are, how properly adulting ensures more harmony in our relationship, how to deal with codependency, boundary issues, spouse immaturity and conflict in our relationship. And how self-reparenting is a breath of fresh air for the relationship, and the world at large… 

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🌟ABOUT OUR GUEST: 

Cinthia Hiett is a life coach, relationship expert, author, and motivational speaker with over 30 years of experience. She holds a Master’s Degree in Counseling and has taught the Psychology of Religion at Arizona Christian University among other courses. Cinthia is widely recognized as an international speaker who shares inspirational and relevant teachings, conducts biblically-based seminars and lectures on relationships, gender and conflict resolution. You can find her at CinthiaHiett.com. 

Find her also here: 

LinkedIn | Facebook | Instagram | X | Radio

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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.



Emma Viglucci:

Hello there, welcome to another episode. I'm so excited to bring to you Cynthia Hiett today. She's a relationship expert as well and I am so excited to discuss all things love, relationship and couples with her. Today we're going to have an amazing conversation about how to do love and do it well, so everybody is healthy and the relationship is healthy and thrives and is successful and we create what we desire. I want to review her brief bio and then we'll say hello to Cynthia. So Cynthia is the life coach, a relationship expert, author and motivational speaker with over 30 years experience. Her education includes a master's degree in counseling and she has stored psychology of religion at the University of Arizona Christian University, among other courses. Cynthia is widely recognized as an international speaker who shares inspirational and relevant teachings and presents biblical based seminars and lectures on relationships, gender and conflict resolutions. So she's going to bring a very different angle possibly to the conversation. Hi, cynthia, welcome.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Hello there. I'm glad to be here. Thank you so much for having me.

Emma Viglucci:

Yes, I'm so happy that we were able to make this happen. I know that we tried a couple of times. So, yes, good to have you and I'm still looking forward to this conversation.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Good.

Emma Viglucci:

Thank you, yeah, so, cynthia, tell me a little bit about your story behind your work, like what you've been working on, how has your work evolved? What kind of work you do? Who is Cynthia?

Cynthia Hyatt:

Well, you know, it kind of went in a pretty circuitous route. As I was growing up I am went to Northern Arizona University and had a master's degree in fashion, merchandising and design. Okay, I love fashion and I was a performer. So I did a lot of singing and I was in a lot of rock bands and that's really what I wanted to do. Okay, that was what I really enjoyed doing and kind of what happened was, you know, I kept thinking it's not happening, you know, and I would get a lot of gigs. It wasn't like and everybody loved me but no doors were really opening for me at all, you know, but what always seemed to open up, like in my sorority, I became the pastor in my sorority. So I'm the one that everybody talked to, I'm the one that helped all the arguments, I'm the one that said, hey, let's reel this in. I don't think we want to be known for this right. So, you know, it just kind of evolved there and I never really gave it a thought, because I just do that naturally, apparently. So I moved to Los Angeles and I worked for Saksa's Avenue as well, you know, and I have lots of you know things that I got from there because I get a great 30% discount, right, so wonderful things. And I hated my job, I hated it. I just I could not. It's like I couldn't get excited about how many red sweaters blew out of the Santa Monica store, right, just didn't do anything for me, even though, I mean, I still love fashion, I do. But it's like I'm glad that I got a master's degree because it helped me with my.

Cynthia Hyatt:

You know, it took me a long time to figure out who I really was and why I was made the way that I'm made, you know, and so, and I was also adopted, and so I never met my biological family, so I'm very different than my adopted family, and so that was a very tumultuous time as well, and so some of what happened through high school and college especially I got it had ended up battling an eating disorder, and so I really struggled with that for many, many years, and, and so I was, I was hospitalized at one point, and what was happening in that whole entire arena is everybody would come and talk to me about their problems Okay, I mean, this is the place too, you see.

Cynthia Hyatt:

But, and all the therapists would be like, hey, what do you think about this, cynthia Like, and I'd be like, I'm gonna tell them what I thought about, what was going on with the patient and things like that, you know, and it wasn't, it wasn't unethical, but it was fascinating that somehow they're picking up on maybe, yes, that I didn't even know that I had, because, you see, in my family I was always the ditzy, dumb blonde, you know, because I just was a cheerleader and I was a singer and a dancer and all an artist and all of this and they were all education. You know, like my parents would constantly say, what about your education? And I'd say, I don't need an education, I'm going to be a rock star, right? Every parent wants to hear that, you know yes, of course, of course.

Emma Viglucci:

That's the magic words.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Exactly so, you know, I went on and, and I ended up getting jobs in treatment centers which was interesting as I was getting my master's degree, and then I was working on my doctorate and I ended up teaching at the university, you know, and all these things that this was never what I thought it was going to be. This is not the life that I had envisioned, and so it was a very interesting lesson to learn and I do this with a lot of my clients is, I say you know, you have to remind yourself that you're a created being, you know, and God did not consult me, I would have done me differently. I love that. And so, you know, I had times with God where I was complaining and he said. He finally said Cynthia, I don't want to hear complaints, I like how I made you, I decided to have you like this, I wanted you to be like this, so if you don't like it, I don't want to hear about it.

Emma Viglucci:

You know and I was like, yeah, I love that, I have this analogy that when we were conceived, or before conception, right right up in heaven, we say I want to volunteer for that, for that job, right For that. And God could have said to you at that moment you chose this. You know now, if you change your mind, now that's too late, right, like. You just go in and like in front of our way of doing the thing that you wanted to do, right.

Cynthia Hyatt:

That was a good way. That is a good way to look at it. That was that's funny, because it really is. We struggle so much with who we are, you know, and there should be, could be, would be, if only you know.

Cynthia Hyatt:

And instead of I had to really come to terms with the fact that God did not consult me at all, you know, and I'm either going to be at battle with myself all the time and unaccepting myself, or I'm going to figure out and this is where a lot of my work came from how I'm going to be the best version of me. And see, that was a super important enlightenment for me to have, because I was always trying to be like everything else out here, thinking that then I would have some peace, you know. And so when I really came upon that concept that I was praying and just like God, this nothing is working, and so it turned into, I thought, yeah, be the best version of me. That means I'm not competing with anyone anymore. It doesn't mean I don't have to judge anyone anymore. I don't know where they're at, you know. It doesn't mean I necessarily like everything right, but it really helped to be able to say you know, I was created for a reason, and it's taken me a lifetime to figure that out.

Cynthia Hyatt:

I never would have dreamt in my life that I would have high level education. I was not interested at all, you know. And so my mom will say to me well, we always knew you were smart and I'm like, yeah, whatever, as I'm here in the light. You know living room and they bought me a trampoline because that's so much energy, you know. So it's really understanding that the idea of being created is such a beautiful concept, to understand that there's someone that is good at doing this and is thinking about what needs to be created and how it needs to be created and how it will be relevant for the earth. All of this, you know, and it's like, instead of just fighting with it all the time and fighting with the creation, you know, I love that.

Emma Viglucci:

That's why I use the language all the time of. Let's continue to become who we really are, because there might be some other pieces of you that now you are integrating and make the full version of who you realize. This person in front of me now, if she didn't have that whole experience, it would be very different and it wouldn't be you, and it sounds like it's turning out to be pretty okay.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Yes, I never would have dreamed. I would be happy about it, but it takes time and it takes courage and it also takes a lot of humility, you know, and we in our world right now don't really like that quality, we don't want to hear that quality. We like humble people because they're easy to be around. We don't necessarily want to be one Interesting, yeah. And so it is a really important consideration to say you know, in the world that we're in right now, you still have to decide who you're going to be. You know, and you have to ask your heart, ask your soul, your mind. You know if you're a religious person and you have to seek that so that you can know that, hey, I didn't do this on my own, you know, I didn't just show up on the planet and God said, uh-oh, what are we going to do with her? Right, right, that was a mistake.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Exactly, well, no mistakes Right, and so it's really recognizing that, instead of like taking on your life in an aggressive manner, it's like why don't I explore me? I?

Emma Viglucci:

love it.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Yes, so that I can go wow, that is me. And if there's something about me that I don't think fits well, I can adjust it Right. Right, I can change it.

Emma Viglucci:

But if I'm at odds with me, if I'm fighting with me all the time, I'm not going to be able to do the reason I was born you know, and if you're trying to sell it to yourself and to others and that's just so inauthentic and that's why the doors don't open, because that's not what you're supposed to be doing.

Cynthia Hyatt:

That's right, yes, right, yes, indeed, there is an acceptance piece that has to happen.

Emma Viglucci:

Mm-hmm, I love it Very nice, very nice. Now, how do you think this plays out in relationships?

Cynthia Hyatt:

Well, I think that's a great question, because the more I know me, the more I accept me, the more in charge of me I am, the more I manage me, the easier it is to be around me. Hmm, yeah, these people aren't trying to do this all the time. Containing, okay, this is what we do. I say to clients all the time this is what we do with toddlers and teens. We contain them. Why are you not containing yourself? Hmm, you know, and we have to like self-containment. It doesn't mean that it's always fun. I'm not always happy to do it. Sometimes and this is a really cool thing I learned if I breathe in, I can't talk.

Emma Viglucci:

I love that. That's like in kindergarten, I think, or very early as I teach these little kids hold the bubble.

Cynthia Hyatt:

And I'll just go like this, because who am I to tell them they're wrong right Now if they want to have a discussion about it and know why I think it would be wrong?

Emma Viglucci:

that's fine. We might have to change somebody else's mind or to tell other people what to think. We're here to show what we think, and if they like it, fine, and if not, that's okay too.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Yes, and see, that's what mammals do. Mammals learn from each other, and so one of the things that I've done in my practice which is really fun is I talk to people about animals and I say, listen, you have to know the breed of the person you're in relationship with. You know, and so I'll say to them my husband knows I'm a cat, he knows, and I say don't pet the cat backwards, right?

Cynthia Hyatt:

You can pet a dog that way and they'll be happy as they can be. You don't do it to a cat. And so I say to people you know, know the breed of who your family is, know the breed of your friends, of your coworkers, of you, know, and so that you're not fighting with the breed. See, we have a cat, right? I always tell my husband he didn't know how much he loved cats till he married me right, he's cute, he's good. So you know, we have this cat and we have appropriate expectations on the cat. We don't, you know, put a collar on her and try to walk her around the house. We don't put her out in the rain, right, right, but we have some things that are certainly in scope of how she should act if she lives in the house. She does that, right.

Cynthia Hyatt:

So it's like you know, you don't have to always use animals, but it's really saying to yourself before I judge this person and try to change them, I might need to get to know them a little bit. You know, that's what you and I do for our jobs. It's like I want to know people before I start, you know, saying, hey, I wonder if this needs to change. Or you know this is not going to help them. You know because you have to have that relationship so that they go. Oh, I want to hear what might be better.

Emma Viglucci:

You know so interesting. I love how you said that. I think that even us, that we are in, in charged with helping create and facilitate change, who are we to tell somebody else what to do? We don't even do it, right. So we might say to people have you looked at it, have you looked at this? Have you looked at that? What about this? What about that? Right, try this, try that, like what suits you best. People are still the owner of themselves, right? They're still the master of themselves. They still have a self agency and they will know if what we offer resonates for them, if it works for who they are and who they are trying to become, who they are evolving into being, who they already have. Like a loss in translation along the way, right, but they're becoming more who they are.

Cynthia Hyatt:

We facilitate that. Yes, absolutely, because some of it is recognizing that if we go back to red-blooded mammals, okay, then that's how we learn. So if I am showing you a different way to interact with your husband, with your children, it doesn't mean that I'm 100% right. It means that you want to be open-minded enough to say, hey, I wonder if, I wonder if I did it a little differently or if I borrowed some of that from Cynthia to see if it fits Right. So it's more about that, so that we can get not so much emotional judgment. Now, I'm a big person on having judgment, because our world does not practice judgment very well right now. So I want us to be adults with good judgment, right? Discouragement, discouragement.

Emma Viglucci:

Yes, exactly yes, I hear you.

Cynthia Hyatt:

But I don't want to be judging someone because I don't understand them or I don't like them, or I think they're stupid or whatever it is right, or I don't like them. It's like great, yes, yes. And so I think that it's wonderful to hear you talk this way, because I think the people that really love humans, like you and I do I tell people all the time I said I just love humans, I just love them, I want to know about them, I want to help them, I want to see them, and so that kind of a platform causes them to be able to settle down and hear some things that might not be, I don't know, might not be super fun to hear, but it no longer becomes ouchy, you know.

Emma Viglucci:

Yes, yes, right. So I love that. Yes, we do love humans. I'm so with you, and part of why I'm here is to hopefully help people do their human condition better. Yeah, have a better human experience, right, and that's what I'm working on for myself and that's what I want to offer others, and they could receive as much of us as they'd like. Follow their journey. And I love what you just said, that if we're able to kind of settle down a little bit just because you know that I'm not coming from a place of forcing it, right, right, I just let's just all be curious, can we do this better? Right, so we have a better experience? Fabulous, right. And then we just kind of chill out, and then that chilling out, we might become more open and more receptive, and then we might be able to take some of the suggestions in and tell them to fit ourselves if we have to Perfect, yes, I love that Because I always tell clients you don't have to do anything.

Cynthia Hyatt:

I tell you, All I want you to do is, if you want to try some things on and see if it changes something, If it doesn't try something else, you know, instead of making this need to change and be this person or whatever it is, it's kind of like why can't we do this as like an adventure? You know, when I started doing that with myself, I was like, wow, I didn't know I could do it. I didn't know I had that. I didn't you know, or wow, I think that's not something I want to be showing everybody that I can do. You know, because I'm going to be like, I'm not going to like take all my clothes off right. I mean, it's like little kids running around naked or darling. Okay, I tell my clients to say big people running around naked, it's not that cute, Okay, yeah.

Emma Viglucci:

You have to be very, very fair for that to be cute, exactly, maybe, then Exactly.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Exactly, that's not going to be me. I'm telling you yeah.

Emma Viglucci:

Very good, very good. So question then so if I'm focusing on being me more, being my authentic me, taking care of me, managing me, developing more who I really am, shading all the defenses, all the junk that covers up who I am, and I start doing that for myself, what if my partner's not interested in them doing that and they are really invested in making me wrong, right and like well, you don't apologize, you don't, you have, there's no accountability, you do everything wrong, you think that you don't do anything wrong and you think I do everything wrong, like that kind of stuff. Like always bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling and they just can't snap out of it. Any thoughts about that?

Cynthia Hyatt:

Well, yes, because you know, one of the things that I really teach my own clients is there's only four things that we have to be very, very careful about. That's illegal, immoral and ethical dangerous. Hmm, that's it. Okay. So for those things, I am not going to help you. I'm not going to help you do it. I'm not going to necessarily judge you, but I'm not going to help you.

Cynthia Hyatt:

So if we can remind people that, hey, we're allowed to try on things, so if you didn't like how I did it, that's good information for me. It's like, instead of it being this all or nothing, this black or white, it's like we know the black areas, the illegal, immoral and ethical dangerous. That's a whole different level of human behavior, you know. So if I'm recognizing that, wow, I think I might be being a little unethical. I don't have to go tell the world about it. I tell clients all the time. If you want to come and tell me that you did something unethical, I think that's a brave thing to do. I'm glad that you're telling me. If you just don't have the courage to tell somebody, but you think it, well then God, think it and change it and don't do it. It's this simple right, and so it's kind of like being able to just say wow, I am overthinking a lot of this stuff. You know, I don't have to work that hard, it's naturally me. This is what humans do.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Yes, yes, here's one that I'll tell you and it's kind of gross. Okay, I like gross, go for it, thank you. Okay, I tell people. You know, listen, let's talk about dogs versus cats, right? Well, dogs really like cat shit. It's disgusting. We have a cat. It's disgusting, right? That doesn't mean the dog is disgusting, oh, yes, it means the dog is doing what dogs do. That's what they do. So I can help that dog say no, no, no, no, no, you're not going by the litter box. No, you're not allowed. But I don't have to judge the dog as now being a bad dog, right? So if I know the breed, of course I'm going to hide the litter box because we have a dog, right, right, that just makes sense.

Emma Viglucci:

Hmm, you know, one of the things that I offer a lot of times is like okay, so if you find that you can't sleep, get stuck with this particular thing the dog eating the cat shit, right, and then and you're going to get annoyed and mad at this dog every time the dog does it how about we find a solution that results in this and there's no longer an issue? The litter box somewhere else or the dog doesn't like to do it?

Cynthia Hyatt:

Like what a novel concept. Right, exactly, let's not make it available, right? I think that immediately. Yeah, instead of doing this overhaul on a dog, that is just being what dogs do.

Emma Viglucci:

Yeah, that's a good point too, right? So either you're going to some people choose to like, have the same frustration over and over and over and over or I'm not a dog owner, I can't do dogs right or, like this partner has to go, you know, like that's just, that's not going to cut it, that's to get divorced, right, right, like when it doesn't have to be that way, right? Either one of those options don't have to be a solutions.

Cynthia Hyatt:

That's right, that's it.

Cynthia Hyatt:

And I think if people can think like that, that it you know it's like it doesn't have to be this hard, it doesn't have to be that hard. And what makes things very hard is if we have people you know that, I know, you treat, I treat that that have had horrible experiences in their life, and so it makes sense to me why they're doing what they're doing. But I want to help them quickly understand that that doesn't make them. That's not their identity, that's a coping skill, and so if that coping skill has been working for you, then I'm not going to take it away immediately, but I'm going to say I think there's some other coping skills that you might like better.

Emma Viglucci:

Oh my gosh, so good, I know what you said. That Exactly, yeah. So we're not going to automatically take all the band-aids away and say, okay, go bleed Right.

Cynthia Hyatt:

So how do you? How do you?

Emma Viglucci:

make sure you don't bleed Like what's going on here. There's bleeding going on and let's let's help heal this.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Right, like, see, I can say to clients you know, I'm hearing what you're, what you're saying and I'm understanding what you're doing. I'm not understanding why you're saying and doing those things. Right, help me understand why you're saying and doing those things. There's something behind it that must, that must, make sense to you. But you're in my office because it's not working Right. So let's figure out why. That seems to be better than figuring out a different way. You know, yeah, because and that's what, that's what we do, that's what therapists do we say, hey, you know, okay, you figured something out and it's sort of halfway working. You know you're limping along here, so I want to congratulate you on finding a way to limp along. Let's like, fix the leg Right, right, yeah.

Emma Viglucci:

Yes, I love it so good. So any thoughts on how to help the partners, not blame, and how to stay what I call in their own circles, like how to have better boundaries, because the blaming game is going somebody as a circle, the way they like to describe boundaries, and telling somebody else what to do and how they should be being Right?

Cynthia Hyatt:

So how do you do boundaries? I think that's what you know. I tell people a lot of times you know, america is like their biggest. Their biggest problem is America is co-dependent. Okay, we care about everybody else in the world, we care about everything, all kinds of things we don't care about. We don't do our stuff, we don't do our own house. Oh my God, I love that. Yes, yeah, and so I understand why, but it's not helping anybody. You know, I got what?

Emma Viglucci:

you just said that's the definition of co-dependence. I'm not sure that the listeners possibly fully got that. So can you explain the definition of co-dependence and how that might show up in a relationship?

Cynthia Hyatt:

Well, because what you're talking about is those circles, and so it's kind of like you have to understand where boundaries lie and that you have to respect the boundary before you can ever change someone, because a lot of the change that you may be wanting from them is experiential, and so if you don't give them a good experience, they're not going to listen to you. So if you can't say it with some grace, right, and some love and some understanding, I can love and understand all of my clients. That doesn't mean I agree with them, you know, and so that's part of being an adult. And what I talk to clients a lot about is I say you know, the world is made up of triunes, okay, and so this one triune that I'd work with clients a lot is the me myself and I, okay, how do I talk to me about myself?

Cynthia Hyatt:

You know that's going on all the time, right, and so it's like, when you think about these different kinds of ways, of boundaries and understanding that, hey, I have to manage me, because if I'm not wanting to manage me but I'm wanting everybody else to manage, then I'm a toddler or a teen. That's what toddlers and teens do, and we're very gracious to toddlers and teens. When they act that way because that's what those kids do they can't be shocked by it. But if I've got a 45 year old that's acting like a teenager, it's a disaster. Now it doesn't mean I don't have compassion for them, because somehow that work is working at some level for them, but it's really not getting them where they want to go. That's right. It's alienating themselves from a lot of people. Yeah.

Emma Viglucci:

So a partner who is not doing a great job managing themselves. They've been a little mature, they're maybe being toddler-like or teenage-like or not feeling being fully adulting. How might they show up in a relationship and how might they treat their partner? What might that look like? What people who are listening and understand what this looks like?

Cynthia Hyatt:

Well, I think what you see is, if you've got someone that is and the title which we don't like is actually just immaturity we have an immature person, okay, doesn't mean they're bad. For some reason they have not done the concept of adulting yet, right? So it doesn't mean that you accept it like, oh well, that's just where they're at. Well, that's what I would say if you really were a teenager or a toddler. But if you're a grown adult with a family, a driver's license, bank accounts and a job, okay, I'm not going to give you that level of deference that you can act like a child. You're going to confuse everybody and hurt people, and then you're going to get hurt even worse because you don't like the way that they're seeing you, and so that it gets very complicated in that way. But if you have people and like you, and I have most of the people that come to see us really do want to change, yeah, they want to be that person, right? Yeah, and so it's like they're just confused or don't know how. Like you and I had to grow up and our parents weren't perfect, and so I had to learn a lot of things the hard way, which I hope I help adults not have to learn the hard way. You see, when adults have to learn the hard way, it's pretty messy. It can mess up a lot of really important things. So that's the part of just saying hey, I need to be adult enough or old enough or secure enough to know nobody's perfect.

Cynthia Hyatt:

I'm not striving for perfection and I tell my clients a lot of times God gave me this great saying. He said to me one day. He said, cynthia, you don't even know what perfect looks like. So I appreciate you trying, okay, but that's not my expectation of you. Love it, yeah, because I can't be perfect. I can't, there's no way. Right, yeah, it's like yeah, what is that even? Right? Exactly Right. That's a whole nother esoteric conversation. To have right, yes, totally.

Emma Viglucci:

So would you say that when that immature person is trying to have a relationship and they are showing up immaturely, can you share some of the thought, some of the behaviors that they might do, so that artists or people could recognize it in themselves if they're doing some of those things, mm-hmm, can it be?

Cynthia Hyatt:

immature. Yeah, I think immaturity shows up when you have people that are inflexible. That's a big one Now. And I'm not saying about like like I tell people illegal, immoral and ethical, dangerous, right, those things. We're not gonna massage that, okay yeah.

Emma Viglucci:

But so we're taking that side of that.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Regular realm. Yes, yeah, it's kind of like this doesn't need to be this difficult. So if I have hurt your feelings, all you need to do is tell me how I did it. I can then apologize for it, and if I can fix it, why wouldn't I? And we can just move on. Now.

Cynthia Hyatt:

If you've got someone that's like really crossing a lot of lines, okay, Then that's very different, because if you're the partner of somebody that's crossing lines all the time and is enjoying doing it, you have a very immature spouse or partner, right, and so you can use the when you I feel statements that helps, we do that all the time, right? Well, when you talk like that, when you say that, when you dress that like that, I feel kind of strange, I feel kind of nervous, so you can do that. But when you have someone that is truly immature, they really do need counseling, because somewhere in the growing up phase they didn't learn what it felt like to be an adult. And I don't know about you, but there was a time where I actually went oh, this is how adults feel and it was wonderful.

Emma Viglucci:

You know that's so good. I actually had a client fairly recently share with me something that they did, talking to totally what you just said. She said something like we just got our children into kindergarten, or all this into kindergarten or something like that, all by ourselves, right, they fill out the application, they financed it, they got the kid in, they picked the school, like all the things, and with all by yourself, and they're like in their 40s 40s and I now I know what it feels to be an adult. Yes, it's so awesome.

Cynthia Hyatt:

I tell people all the time I did not want to be an adult because I didn't have a great childhood. Necessarily, I don't know very many people to do, right, it's tough. And so when I became an adult, I was like this is so much easier, this is so much more fun. Oh, my gosh, I don't have to. And like I'll tell people. You know, you're like a walking piece of Elkrow. Okay, you snag on everything. It's like smooth it down, right, it's like you don't need to snag on everything, it's not that big of a deal, right.

Cynthia Hyatt:

And so I think, when people can relax a little bit, and because you know it's that fear part that we don't always recognize, that we're afraid, you know that, and the afraid can be I'm not measuring up, I'm not good enough, I don't like how I look, I don't have enough money. I know they're gonna find out something about me. You know all of those voices that our brain is thinking it helps us. You know, when all it does is makes us more anxious. You know, I think it still goes back to acceptance to keep all my problems right.

Cynthia Hyatt:

So when I had to finally accept me, you know, realizing that I was not consulted, okay, and I'm gonna be this forever, right. So that helped me wanna be a better version of me, because I'm gonna be with me all the time, you know, and I want you to like unzip and get out and go find another person to be, you know. So if people can really remind themselves that a lot of what they're managing is really kind of how would I say, it's, it isn't that big, it's the feelings of it that are big, you know. So it's kind of like I tell people, if I stub my toe, well, that stops everything, right, that stops everything, but it's not dangerous.

Emma Viglucci:

I'm gonna die of a stub toe for the most part.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Yeah, but it's very painful, and so just because it's very painful doesn't mean it's bad, you know. So a lot of what I remind people is humans are very receptive to please and thank you. It's amazing what that does for people. They calm down because humans want to feel safe, right.

Emma Viglucci:

Right. So I'm hearing in, just kind of tying some of the loose ends or some of the concepts that we're sharing, that if somebody's immature because they didn't do the they had difficult childhood, the adulting right, or they had whatever childhood, but as they grew up they didn't really adults, right.

Emma Viglucci:

So they show it to be a little bit mature and that immature image might show up, like crossing the other person's boundaries, crossing the lines crossing the lines not only their side of things being inflexible you said earlier. I love that and the easiest way is to just manage ourselves if we are that immature person and saying, okay, these are my feelings. My feelings might feel big, but maybe the thing, the situation, is actually not that big. Can I just take a deep breath? Can I pause for a second? Can I assess how big is this and how do I manage it? Just taming the body, taming the mind, just chilling out for a second and then regrouping and addressing differently, and from the recipient partner to maybe have that compassion, that empathy, that understanding for my partner seem mature all the time. All the time or right now, how do we engage in a way that hopefully they continue to adult and it doesn't impact me? How do I address my side?

Cynthia Hyatt:

Yeah, this is because the thing that we have to remind ourselves is that you and I know how we have the gut, the heart, the brain. We have neurotransmitters in all three of those, and so we have more in our gut than we do in either our brain or our heart. That are interesting, yes, and so when I think about, hey, this person, I don't like them, or they're hurting my feelings, or they're being an idiot, all those kinds of things, if I'm an adult, then I remind myself that, yeah, those are my opinions. I don't really know why they're doing it, so I don't wanna judge that. But as an adult, I get to walk away and I don't have to make a scene about it. I can just not feel comfortable and I'm gonna go talk to somebody else. It's that simple.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Now, if somebody is, you know, because we have this tendency to think and believe our feelings and I say to my clients this is my saying that they hear religiously, feelings are very real but not always true. So I say I know you're having a feeling, I don't know how true. It is Okay, because what we know about truth, it's always true. Truth does not change. Yeah, truth doesn't go. Oh, I'm gonna be less truthful today and I'm still the truth. No, the truth is always, just it's the truth. So, when I can realize that, hey, feelings are very real but not always true. So I'm believing my feelings over, letting time occur so that I might see if it's actually true, because I'm feeling like it's true but I don't know if it's actually true, feelings change, right.

Emma Viglucci:

So then it's not a consistent thing. So I hear what you're saying and so, right, truth doesn't change, right, right, but feelings change, and so, if I allow just percolating for a second, oh, my state of being might change, I might look at it differently and therefore the feeling might soothe or go away, and I could now address whatever the thing was differently.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Exactly if I can just relax my body. You know, and this is where you know, I tell clients I think we talked about this earlier. You know, illegally, moral and ethical dangerous. Well, I'm supposed to be on high alert for that stuff. But if somebody just rolls their eyes at me, okay, that's not dangerous, that's uncomfortable, that's nasty or mean or gosh, that's not nice, that's not dangerous.

Emma Viglucci:

Beautiful. So, cynthia, what advice would you give for partners who are dealing with themselves being immature or their partners being immature and therefore crossing boundaries a lot or not fully being having good self-agency and managing themselves properly, not having good boundaries so that they can manage themselves? In not trying to manage their partner it's not their job to manage their partner but what can they do in managing themselves so that they can have a different moment with their partner on different interaction?

Cynthia Hyatt:

Well, I think it's a great question. More than anything, it's really knowing your own body, you know. So if I start to like have a feeling about something I just saw or something I heard, the first thing that for me to do is to relax my shoulders and take a breath, because if I breathe, oxygen clears my brain so I now can think like an adult again. So it's that, it's like relaxing and saying, okay, that's ugly, that really hurt my feelings. But see, I have time, and this is what I'm always working on, and we talked about this earlier. I think that I'm always talking with clients about what are the things that you have no time with Blood, broken bones, nobody's breathing fire, we have no time. Everything else we have time. In fact, I can talk to you a week later about what happened a week ago. That's right. Yeah, I can simply say you know, I've been thinking about this for a while and I haven't been able to like get it to be okay inside, and I talked to you about that moment that we had.

Emma Viglucci:

Excellent, yeah, cool, very, very nice. Yes, so I heard you say just taking a pause, yeah, so now we're reacting so that we think again, so we're not just trigger and acting out of trigger, but we could engage our thinking faculties into something differently. And it doesn't have to be addressed in the moment if we're still not sure what's happening for us or for our partner.

Cynthia Hyatt:

We can come back. And so you know, both of us know how important oxygen is. That's the main thing that all mammals need is oxygen. So I always I remind people again, if I breathe in I can't talk, you know. So I do that a lot. I'll be in a session or I'll have, you know, I have family members or somebody at the grocery store and I'll just go like this and then I can decide do I want to say something? And a lot of times I don't. It's not worth it. That's right. But if I am like saying it's not worth it to say something, then I better be okay when I walk away, because it's not fair to do that to people that have no idea what you just encountered. So if I can't get over myself, then I better get over myself before I start talking to other people.

Emma Viglucci:

Can you explain that a little bit more? It's almost beautiful.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Well, it's think about it like this. It's like you know how we pass germs to one another, okay, well, feelings are an entity, they're a chemical entity, and so what we do passes on to another person. So if someone looks at me and they look harshly at me it's going to check. All of a sudden, my whole body goes into fight, flight or freeze. It's like I don't know if this person's okay. So whatever I was doing two seconds ago was totally out. It's gone. Because I'm now focused on is this? What's wrong with this person? Did I do something? Oh, my gosh, right. So a lot of it is. The more that you understand your own body, the more that you take advantage of air, the more control you have. See, I can tell my body to stand down. I can say yeah, I know, I know that was ugly, but it's not dangerous, it's just ugly.

Emma Viglucci:

So I think what I heard you say is that if we're willing to breathe in, hold the air and not speak, and then do this, engage in with the person that triggered us, whether it's our partner or somebody else and we let it go, but we didn't really let it go Right, and then we're spreading the yuckiness in other interactions. We're just, we're still carrying that with us. So if we're choosing not to say something, I think that what I'm hearing you say is like we better really be okay with, like it's not worth it, like we're really letting it go, we're not just sucking it up.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Right, right. If I can't let it go, I need to talk about it. Lovely, yeah, right. So I can try to just not and just say, yeah, I can't be, I can get over that. And if I'm not getting over it, I need to be adult enough to say, hey, can I run this by you, right? So two days ago we were talking about this out and, if you remember, but you know, you said blah blah, blah blah. Is that what you really meant? I just want to check that with you what I heard?

Emma Viglucci:

is that what you meant? Is that what you said? Yep, that's right, lovely, yes, and it doesn't mean that you have to let it go immediately.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Sometimes it's not yes, but sometimes we need to think about it and take into consideration a whole bunch of other things. Like maybe there was a crying child in the grocery store line and I rolled my eyes at my partner right, because they were trying to push me a little before, and I'm like, ah right, so I can if I can be adult enough to say there was a lot of variables that were going on there. So it really set off the central nervous system, my fight, flight or freeze, you know. And so I have to say, wow, I need to breathe, I need oxygen. Oxygen is what dissipates the fight, flight or freeze, right. So if I can relax my shoulders, take in a breath, if it still bothers me after that, well then, maybe it's a big deal. Very nice, that's right. And then I can figure out how I want to handle it and I have time, right.

Emma Viglucci:

Right. So just a little clarity. So if, in the moment, we're choosing to let it go, then maybe we chose, maybe we actually let it go, maybe we didn't, maybe we were being honest with ourselves and we're trying to let it go and then we move on. We might have different interactions with people now, we might be infecting other people because we didn't really fully let it go. But we do the best we can. But knowing that I meant to let it go, but actually still lingering, so I could still go back. And it doesn't mean that I have to address everything in the moment. I just want to be really clear about that, because people get hung up on like I can't wait, I can't wait, I have to address it right now, and everybody's triggered, everybody's pissed off and everybody's doing funny business. That's not a good conversation, right. So the word adult you can wait.

Cynthia Hyatt:

It's tough, I understand, but when that little girl inside of me wants it right now, where's the adult? I get it, honey, but it's not possible. Right, I'll take care of it in a minute, just, oh God, yeah, yeah, you know, and it's like if I say to people all the time imagine if the world just parented themselves.

Emma Viglucci:

Well, it would be heaven.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Oh my gosh.

Emma Viglucci:

Yes, we actually do a lot of repairs and work. Absolutely Right, we could give to ourselves what we didn't get growing up or what we still need. It's okay to give it to ourselves. What a concept that's right. Yes, I love it. Yes, good. So any other observations in terms of what immaturity might look like, what dependency might look like, what crossing boundaries might look like, like specific descriptions or any other thoughts about those things?

Cynthia Hyatt:

Well, I think that those are the kinds of things that we should have been taught as a kid, right, and the majority of us didn't get that. Maybe we did, but a lot of it, I think, for people is recognizing. Hey, I can trust the central nervous system. So if something goes off and I get my feelings hurt, okay, I don't have to pretend like it didn't happen because I don't want to be immature, but I have to say to myself the same way as a mommy would say to a little kid what bothered you about that, honey? Are you okay? What would you rather it have been? And they just talk to the child and the child goes because they should have said hi to me. And then you can validate yes, they should have, and they weren't nice. You're right, they weren't nice.

Emma Viglucci:

Well, that's not something that people know how to parent? Yes, they might even be doing that with their own kids, I know.

Cynthia Hyatt:

And so if we have this conversation, if I teach people how to parent themselves, then they become good parents. Yes, yes, because that's like I constantly remind my clients, me myself, and I, me myself and I how do I talk to me about myself? Because my internal world is going to come out all the time. I wish we could keep our internal world inside all the time, but that would be very, very like high functioning people that can say, okay, I can do the party for the next two hours, and I'm really upset. Some people can. Yeah, but if you can't, then you have to say I think I need to take a time out. I'm a big fan of going to the bathroom.

Emma Viglucci:

Yes, that's the example that I use. That's so funny. That's actually what I tell my clients too. It's okay to just be like you know what, I'll be right back. I mean, just be breath. And you just kind of like, yes, I'd be right back, I just need to go to the bathroom quick. Yeah, be breath in the bathroom. Right, I just reset everything, right. Yes, you build that little cushion there, that little breather.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Yes, and it helps you to decide can I let this go or is this actually something I need to address? And if I need to address it, I can't lie about that because it's going to contaminate me and other people. I love that. But if I can just say, okay, that's all I needed, I needed a little time out, I got myself, I got myself re-centered, I'm okay, that's awesome. I mean, I would prefer that.

Emma Viglucci:

I don't like to confront people, you know most things are not confrontable, they're just silly stuff Like so, kids, most of the things go yes, right, yes, yes, I love it. Something else that I share when I okay. So when you go to the bathroom and you take that little breather this is how I teach this I say things like it's okay. Then, if you know that you want to address it, to address it only if you understand where your partner might be coming from or what do you think might be happening for them. If you still hung up on, I'm going to show them my side, let me shut my side under a throat, like if you can't have compassion they're having an experience too then you're not ready for a conversation.

Cynthia Hyatt:

That's right. That's very good. I think the boundaries are very helpful. It's that same thing with the triune. It's like if I'm still in the little kid part of me and I'm trying to get my good feelings from you as my parent or something like you should do this and could do this, and if you would have done this then everything would have been fine. Okay, yeah, that's where it's like. Okay, I have to own the fact that I'm in the childlike part of myself, which makes me very, very vulnerable, which means we don't let little kids out of our sight, right? So if I'm stuck in the child, I better be very careful, because I don't have an adult right now and now I have to go find my adult. That doesn't mean that just because I didn't confront them on that day, I can wait two weeks, I can wait a month, it doesn't matter.

Emma Viglucci:

Yeah.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Yeah.

Emma Viglucci:

So good. I love that we went into the realm of the repairment thing and the inner bonding, working with a little kid and addressing the little kid and having this analogy of checking with yourself is my little kid in charge right now? Where's the adults? If the adult is not present, go take care of your little kid first, you know.

Cynthia Hyatt:

And see, I remind people if I had the adult part of me like in check. Then people get to see the little kid in me and it's fun, it's silly, it's fun, it's like wow, we're just having a great time and so I can do that for myself. It doesn't mean that I have to be this like on my game all the time right.

Emma Viglucci:

You bring the child out to play. You don't have to be childish.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Exactly, exactly.

Emma Viglucci:

Oh, my goodness, beautiful Good. So many thoughts and we'll use this as kind of like a closing piece on how to self-manage, how to self-care, how to resource ourselves so that we can bring the parents out more frequently and have the kids just blundering around.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Well, I think that's a great question, and the way that I have worked it for myself and that I work with other people is I first say to them you have to be willing to be an adult. So it's a thing that you can't play, but you have to be willing to be an adult so that if you're interacting with another adult, that you're enough on your game, that you're not passing to them your feeling right Now. They should probably be an adult and have good enough boundaries but not everybody does. We get tired. So a lot of it is being able to say if I'm just polite, that fixes most everything. And I'm an adult, I have a car, I can go sit in it and figure out what I want to do, and so the more that I'm willing to give myself options instead of they should not have done that.

Cynthia Hyatt:

I can't tolerate that. Okay, I think that that's probably accurate, but what are you going to do with it? Because if you don't manage, it's going to mess up the rest of your day and it could ruin some very important relationships. Oh yeah, and you get shame attacks because you don't like who. You are right, then you want to like. It's like I tell people. I want to unzip myself and get out right. So, like you know and I have to, I have to manage that. To say wait a minute, I'm the one that did that. I need to manage that. You know. That's not, it's not an excuse simply because they hurt my feelings.

Emma Viglucci:

And if they're acting immaturely, does that mean that I have to act immaturely back? That's right.

Cynthia Hyatt:

And it doesn't mean I need to parent them either, I just need to be kind and I have to quote you, and so the more that I recognize. Hey, if I just do me and do me well, it's amazing how many good things happen to other people. I don't even have to work that hard, I just be nice. I say this to people all the time just be nice. Well, I don't really like them, I don't care, I just be nice.

Emma Viglucci:

Right, it's also everything. They don't mean fake, right, and it doesn't mean inauthentic, it just doesn't mean a jerk, that's right.

Cynthia Hyatt:

It's just like just be a human being, you know. It's like can we, can we operate out of the higher version of ourselves. You know, especially if these, we don't know all these people, that, well, if we don't know their backgrounds, we don't know what really is going on with them, we just know that we're not really attracted to them at the moment. You know, I say, okay, well, I'm not always attractive either, you know, but that doesn't mean that I'm allowed to be mean, right, and it doesn't mean that you can just go off and judge me somehow. You know, if you're going to judge me, you might want to come and ask me what's going on with me, so that you figure out what you're judging.

Emma Viglucci:

Oh my gosh, I love it. And when we have our you know, when our defenses are down or boundaries are down, when we're vulnerable, when we're triggered, whatever, and we happen to be mean and imperfect and that imperfection shows up even more, then we could have compassion for ourselves. Yeah, love for us will have compassion for us, and vice versa. We could do that for them as well, and we could always go back and repair. So it doesn't mean that we're saying that you should be nice all of the time, no matter why. You should be perfect at being nice all of the time. Sometimes we can't.

Cynthia Hyatt:

You know what I tell people is if you can't be nice, just be decent, Just be decent, you know just shut up, that's decent enough If I just act decently. It's really rare for someone to be a jerk around me if I'm just being decent, yeah.

Emma Viglucci:

Yeah, people react to other people, right? Like most of the time when something is happening, people is people having a reaction of some sort, right? And a lot of time is their own internal world, saying stuff like how they are, they assign motives to us or they choose to look at something, but meaning they give it and we do the same. So if we could just watch that, okay, people are putting that stuff on me, I don't have to necessarily give it back, I don't have to take it on, I don't have to do anything with it. I could just be like, okay, you could just.

Cynthia Hyatt:

I tell people a lot of times now, you may be too young for this, but do you remember Ghostbusters?

Emma Viglucci:

Yes, I'm not too young for that. Come on now.

Cynthia Hyatt:

Okay, that's fine. Well, I tell my clients, you know, listen, it's kind of like Ghostbusters. The guy got slimed, okay, well, does that mean he's slim? No, that's so good. Yes, I think it's slimed by somebody. I don't have to wear it for the rest of my life, right, you know, and I can just go. Well, that wasn't very nice, but do I need to think it's personal all the time, you know? No, so good.

Emma Viglucci:

I love your analogy. It's so good, it's all right.

Cynthia Hyatt:

I love analogies. My husband, he's a very critical thinker. He's like I don't get your analogy, cynthia. I'm like oh my gosh, how can you not?

Emma Viglucci:

It's slimed, very easy, awesome, awesome, yeah, okay, my love. Any last words of wisdom that you want to impart to the listeners.

Cynthia Hyatt:

I think the biggest. You know it goes we've heard this so many times, but it really is acceptance. Hmm, Well, acceptance keyed all my problems, you know. And just because I'm accepting something doesn't mean I agree with it. Right, and I tell that to people all the time. If I can fix it, then of course I will fix it. If I just have to accept it, then I need to accept it and I need to not let it contaminate me, because then it's going to slime other people without them knowing why and I have a choice on that I don't have to accept it either.

Emma Viglucci:

I could just move on. That's exactly right.

Cynthia Hyatt:

What a concept, what a concept Beautiful.

Emma Viglucci:

Oh my gosh, it was a pleasure having you on. Thank you, me too. Thank you, thank you for agreeing to be on and I will share all your contact, your social media, your podcast. I know that you have a radio show that you put your podcast on, so we'll put all of those links in the show notes so people can continue to make a touch with you as they choose and as they like. Thanks and again, thank you so much for being here. Lovely conversation. You're a lovely person. I appreciate you.

Cynthia Hyatt:

I appreciate you.

Emma Viglucci:

Yes, thank you. We do have fun together. We'll pay my love. Have a fantastic and to the listeners, I will see you at the next one. Thank you, bye hearted music….

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