Successful Relationship with Emma

Small Big Mindset Tweaks to Succeed at Everything in Life w/ Francois Lupien (Ep.15)

• Emma Viglucci • Episode 15

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Have you ever experiences stretches where you feel like nothing you do is working? That you just can’t seem to get ahead? 

You might feel stuck in your relationship, can’t seem to lose the weight, your income or revenue is not increasing, your kids are getting on your nerves, and so on? 

I have found that when this happens, we are in need of a refresh and reset. We might be going at things the old way that no longer give us the results and outcomes we seek. What might have worked once, no longer does. We are in need of a new approach… So, after refreshing and resetting, we can go at our new beginnings and fresh start differently!  

In today’s episode I’m excited to have an energizing conversation with Francois Lupien on just what it takes to change things around. We talk about the power of our internal dialogue and how to have impactful interactions with others, how to go from victim of circumstances to creator of our own reality, how to reframe situations for more happiness and joy in our relationship and our life, and he offered a golden tactic to take things to the next level.   

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🌟ABOUT OUR GUEST:

Francois Lupien is a dynamic coach, speaker, and presenter whose experience includes working with Tony Robbins, Stephen Covey (7 Habits of Highly Effective People) and as a consultant with Bob Proctor (Movie: The Secret). Achieving excellence in everything he puts his mind to, Francois has been a TaeKwon Do Canadian champion, a Top Real Estate agent for 11 years with Remax, and a serial entrepreneur with multiple successful 6-figure businesses.

He is a living example of the success he teaches. Francois is an expert at helping people uncover hidden beliefs that slow them down or stop them on their quest for success. Energetic, passionate and dedicated, he shows you how to get real results that stick and he’s here to teach you how to become more. Find him at HowToBecomeMore.com.


Gifts from Francois:

Over 600 videos on YouTube

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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.



EPISODE 15

Emma K. Viglucci: Hello, and welcome to another episode. I am so excited to have with me Francois Lupien, who is an amazing coach, speaker, and just a fabulous person who is here to have fun with us today. And I invited him because he has an amazing mindset concept to help us kind of get out of our own way if we're feeling a little bit stuck, if we're feeling like the relationship is not moving fast enough, or going to the right places, or if life is feeling stuck, if we're not losing the weight. Whatever it is that we might be trying to do that is not working, he's going to help us change our mindset, improve our self-talk, and just some all that nice hacks to help us be accountable, take charge of ourselves and make a difference in our lives. So I hope you stick around. It's going to be an amazing conversation. Stay tuned. You're in for a treat.

So I'm so excited to have Francois with us today. I'm going to read his bio and then I'm going to say hello to Francois. Francois is the dynamic coach, speaker and presenter whose experience includes working with Tony Robbins, Stephen Covey of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and as a consultant with Bob Proctor from the movie The Secret. Achieving Excellence is everything he puts his mind to. Francois has been a taekwondo Canadian champion, a top real estate agent for 11 years with Remax, and a serial entrepreneur with multiple successful six-figure businesses. He's a living example of the success that he teaches. Energetic, passionate, dedicated, he can show you how to get real results that stick. Francois is an expert in helping people uncover hidden beliefs that slows them down and that stops them from creating the success that they want. He is here to help us how to become more. Hello, Francois. How are you?

Francois Lupien: Hi, Emma. Thank you so much for that great introduction. I appreciate it. And I'm doing fantastic. Thank you for asking. How about yourself?

Emma K. Viglucci: I am doing great. And you're most welcome. Thank you for choosing and agreeing to be here with me today and sharing some time with me. I appreciate it.

Francois Lupien: My pleasure.

Emma K. Viglucci: Yeah, and I would love to start us with learning more about you. If you could tell us a little bit about how you got started with this nice work and working with amazing people. So if you could just kind of share with us a little bit.

Francois Lupien: Okay. Well, before, I always like to preview that way. I am happily married to the love of my wife for over 33 years, and we have six children and six grandchildren. And so that's the onset. I'm a family man. Relationship with my wife, she's my best friend, my lover. It's fantastic. We have a great relationship. So that's how I like to start things up, because I think it's the foundation that's important.

Emma K. Viglucci: Well, that's amazing. So I had the right person here to talk about success, as you're having so much success not only in business and life but also in your marriage. So bam, audience. He's going to hook us up today.

Francois Lupien: Hopefully. Humbly, actually. So we talked about how I started in this industry. Well, it was, I'm now 63. I was 18 years old. And in those days, you used to get invited. Oh, you have to come to this presentation. I didn't know what it was. And then you come in, and it was an Amway meeting. I didn't know about it. The thing that — I kept an open mind. The man on the stage was making $60 million a year. Like I'm 18 years old. I am blown away that people can make that kind of money. It's like, what? But what I want to focus on is not the Amway business in itself. It's what that man taught. And he said, do you know people who when good things are happening start to say things like, "This won't last. This is going to go away real fast." And it does. And I go, wow. I knew someone personally like that. It was my dad. I'd give you an example. At one point, he come home and he says, "I have a $10,000 bonus this week. I'm so happy. But I know something is going to happen. I'm going to lose it." Ad I'm eating supper. As a teenager, I said, why is he saying this? Then that week, my sister scrapped the car. And how much did it cost? $10,000.

Emma K. Viglucci: I love it.

Francois Lupien: What? And so when he said that, I go, this is amazing. I was privy to that type of vocabulary. And God bless his soul. My dad was fantastic. Nevertheless, it's an example that he taught me. And so he said, the man said, the 60 million — I call him the $60 million man. He said, do you know that the opposite is — his name was Bill Grit. Do you know that the opposite is also true? So now I'm listening. He says, "You can start to speak things into existence. If you start to say that you want some good things, you're going to have increase the chance of finding those good things in your life." He had me hooked.

Then he talked about reading a good book every month. Having in the car, in those days, cassette tapes is the university on wheel. Always listen to personal development how you can be a better individual, how you can improve yourself. Always respect other people's women. Be nice. And so these. And don't listen to the news or watch the news. Don't read the newspaper. Impart in yourself good things all the time. That's like many, many years, 45 years ago. That's a long time ago. Nevertheless, I've embraced these. And because of him, I think I've spent over $200,000 on myself on my personal development throughout these years, and I have much success because of that. Like many people said you can do better. I don't know how you did that good. It doesn't matter. It's not a competition with others. It's a cup. It's for you. Get better than yourself. That's the foundation of what excited me on saying, wow, we have so much potential inside of us. Let's dust off the things that are stopping it, and let's make it shine for others to see. And also, I like to say and to praise the Lord. Because, you know, I'm a believer. And I think that, you know, some people got universe, God — I decided to I call it God. And because of that, let's make ourselves shine. We've been given some talents. Let's make them grow and make a difference, a positive difference, in this life. So that's a little bit of how it started for me.

Emma K. Viglucci: Yeah, I love that. One of the things that I believe is that we're all very radiant. Now because of the bad habits and all of the patterns and programming that we have, all that stuff is covered up. Right? It's like mud on our shiny self. And so our job is to get rid of all this junk, so that we can radiate and shine through. Right? So I think that we're in alignment here.

Francois Lupien: I like this. Yeah, it's true. That's it. There's mud on a shiny armor. I like it. Because below the mud, there's a shiny armor. This is nice. I like it.

Emma K. Viglucci: Yeah, a shiny, perfect being. Right?

Francois Lupien: Yes.

Emma K. Viglucci: So yeah, amazing. So part of the things that — first of all, I love all the things that you already shared that this man imparted. Right? Great habits already. Don't consume bad information. Read a book in math, like all these different things. Nowadays, we say don't consume social media first thing in the morning with your phone and the scrolling. That's the translation. So yes, amazing takeaways already. Just good habits. Do nourish your soul. Put good information in, not bad stuff in. So automatically, you have better energy. Yay. The next thing I think is kind of like communication styles or communication concepts. Right? So what kind of — when you say communication, do you mean self-talk, communication with others, both? Tell us a little bit more about that.

Francois Lupien: Exactly. And thank you for pointing it out. I mean, both. But first and foremost, communication with self. Everybody even listening to me right now, some of you might say, "Oh, I've heard this before." Or you might say, "Oh, this is new." It is what you are telling yourself inside of your head. And the process of communication with self that I feel is so important is to be aware of how we treat ourselves. Oftentimes, we tell things to ourselves that are demeaning, that are not — "Oh, who do I think I am? How can I make this happen? This is going to be too hard. I'm too old. I'm too young." And so it's all these things that we're telling ourselves are slamming the brakes or, to use the previous example, are throwing mud on our armor. And it stops to shine. So then when we look in the mirror, we see the mud rather than the shining under.

Someone told me this is being aware of the communication we have with ourselves. Sometimes, if we were to tell our best friend the thoughts that we have and we tell ourselves, they would tell us, "You know what? I don't like you anymore. Why don't you leave my life?" And it is so true. We say things to ourselves that if we were to sell to other people, they will say you're crazy. Why do you say these things? And so that's the first thing. Communication with self. Being first aware that we need to be kind to ourselves. And I'll touch this at the end when we talk about the increase.

Then also, now that we're aware of this, now start to have better communication with yourself. Remember what my dad used to say? Oh, something's going to happen. I'm going to lose it. How about something great is going to happen? When you do this, you start to look for good things. Let's bring in that. If I say that the thoughts that you have and you talk to yourself is going to be what you do in life, I said, well, that can't be. Well, next time you want to go to the washroom, I can guarantee you that in your mind you say, oh, I need to go to the washroom. Then you stood up and you went. I just proved it to you that the talks that you have in your mind is what your body's going to do. So what? That's simple. Well, how about, "Oh, I can never call this person or this client because they're going to reject me." And then you don't call them. And so the end result is the same. It did not happen. What we tell ourselves are in great, great measure what it is that we allow to happen in our lives. And I have these thoughts always of where the mind goes, the body follows. So if your mind goes to possibilities and great things, your body will follow into that and you will create them. It starts with communication with self. That's number one.

Number two, communication is communication with others. Are we appealing to them, or are we rejecting them? Are we abrupt in our vocabulary? Are we thinking me, me, me, me, me, me, me all the time? And then people say, well, you know, Francois is pretty boring. He always talks about himself. Or, are you asking questions about other people? Think about it. The best conversation subject for anybody is what? Themselves. So ask questions about them. They will feel good. They will feel better. And the feeling that they associate with the conversation, with you, is one that's going to say I want more of this person. So that's the communication with others: edifying others, finding good things, compliments.

Genuine compliment is the best thing. For example, I love the dress that you wear today. It brings the complexion of your — yes, it's that. And it is true. It's not something that — it is true. And because of that, you feel the truthfulness that I have. You feel better. You smile. I see you're smiling. It makes me smile. So everybody feels better. So the communication we have with others is paramount in what we can do in life — if it's going to be a smooth life or if it's going to be a hard life. Let's choose a smooth life by having better communication with others.

Emma K. Viglucci: Yes, for sure. You know, so two things came to mind as you were sharing all of that. The first one is that, you know, when your father spent, lost the 10,000 or he anticipated that he was going to lose it and he kind of manifested or created that, invited that to happen. I find that couples do that. When they're getting along, they're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well, this is not going to last because we have patterns of fighting, you know. Like, we're in a good streak now. But we're going to have a fight this week. And probably, we're due for a fight. They wait for it. Like they almost, you know, they create it. And so it's very interesting. So I totally understand that observation. I've seen it happen in all kinds of contexts. But of course, I always like to bring it back to the relationship. And then the other one was about just expressing good stuff to other people and that the compliments need to be genuine. So we start all of our sessions with appreciations. I always teach the couples it has to be a real appreciation. It can't be a backhanded compliment, like, "Oh, I finally got roses." That's not a compliment. That's not an appreciation. Right?

Francois Lupien: That is right.

Emma K. Viglucci: So yes. For sure.

Francois Lupien: That is correct. And interestingly enough, I just had a thought that came to mind to associate with the conversations. Anybody here, think of a time that you bought a car, a new car or a car that was new to you. So at first, you have the thought of wanting a car, and then you start to shop for the car. Then you start to have feelings for that car. Then you test drive it, and now you really love it. And now that you really love it, you're driving and then you buy it. Then interestingly enough, when you go to the shopping mall, you see that car everywhere. When you're at the stop sign, there's other cars like that. What happened? Everybody decided to buy that car too? That's not what happened. And now this is deep, but it's good. We have reticular activators. Yes, and those reticular activators can see 2 billion bits of information per second but can only focus on 2,000. And what makes it focus on those 2,000 is the thoughts and the feelings that you have. So couples, relationship. The woman sees the man with the socks on the floor. "Oh, these socks again. I can't believe it." And so now the feeling reinforces something that's feeling bad. That can be that. Or what if you can say, "Oh, the socks are there. I'm lucky. I have a husband." You're going to say that's crazy. Well, you decide. You make that decision right there.

And so whatever you focus on with feelings is going to multiply — the bad or the good. So you decide on which one you focus. You focus on the bad, I can tell you we all have flaws. We all come short. Nobody's perfect. So you want to focus on flaws? You're going to find them. And you pour feelings into it, then the relationship is out the door. It takes effort to find the bad, same as effort to find the good. What I'm saying is that when you focus on the good, you're going to reap better relationship. You're going to feel better yourself, and you're going to become a better person. So just that little thing. Let's put the feelings where it counts, where it matters. Not where it destroys but where it builds.

Emma K. Viglucci: That's right. So there was a study in our the industry that whatever, you're focused on growth, right? So that's exactly what you just said. And absolutely. I like to say that it's easy to find the negative because we're really trained. We're really, really good at that. We have to untrain ourselves to find the positive, right, and to actually focus on the other side. And then that requires more effort. But eventually, that becomes more automatic as well. So if we just put the initial investment into that. Right?

Francois Lupien: I love that you said that we're trained to focus on the negative at first, and that's listening to the news at night. All the thing it says is negative. But training ourselves to find the positive is harder. Nevertheless, once you train yourself, then it becomes a habit. It becomes easier. Not because the task is easier, but your capacity to do it has increased because you paid the price. Yes.

Emma K. Viglucci: That's right. That's right. Yeah, that negativity bias will get us. Right? So we have that as a survival mechanism. But we're not going to die at every corner. There's no big saber-toothed tiger coming to get us, you know, like in the ancient times. And so now we don't have to be in such high alert. So we don't have to be so particular about finding the negativity. It's okay. We're not going to die. We could focus on the good stuff too more easily, right?

Francois Lupien: Yes, that's right. And as you said, it's a habit. And the more we focus on the habit, the easier it gets. It's for a good cause.

Emma K. Viglucci: That's right. I love that. Yes, very good. Okay. Perfect. So now if we switch a little bit to how we co-create, I'm using — I don't know if that language makes sense for us, right? But just see if it builds into the next thing that you want to talk about in terms of creating our own reality and being, what I'd like to say victor versus the victim, like you said, right? So choosing to win and not to lose, focusing on the positive not the negative, those kinds of choices, and possibly co-creating with our partner. So what would that look like from your end?

Francois Lupien: Thank you so much. That's it. I like to say we can be a creator of our reality or a victim of our circumstances. And so let's put a victim of circumstances first. So let's talk about those socks that are there in the corner from the man. And I know, I did that. I'm getting better. I'm getting better all the time. And now I even put them together so when they're in the laundry, they're together. So they're not separated.

Emma K. Viglucci: What? Wow. I just learned something. I love that. I have to teach that to people.

Francois Lupien: And so a victim of circumstances. Let's say you're tired, and then you come in the room and you see that. Then you're going to say, "Oh, I can't believe this." And now you're going into that rabbit hole of letting the outside circumstances dictate how you feel. It's very important. Letting outside circumstances dictate how we feel. When we do that, we empower the outside circumstances. And by the same token, we disempower ourselves. So I said, "Oh, this is doing this to me. This is doing that to me." Then we become a victim. And so when that happens, there's one simple thing. And this at first, the first time, here's like a slap in the face. And it's called taking 100% responsibility.

Emma K. Viglucci: What? What a concept.

Francois Lupien: So taking 100% responsibility. Now check this out. Well, it's not my fault if the socks are on the floor, you know. How can I take responsibility for that? Okay. So change it. Say, how can I take responsibility for the socks on the floor? So maybe it could be, maybe I'd pick up my own clothes. Maybe mine is not on the floor but it's on the chair. So maybe if I was to hang it up or put it in the hamper basket, it would give an example. And the other can follow. Maybe. Maybe not. That's okay. You still love them. And that's part of the game. Nobody's perfect. You're not perfect. I'm not perfect. So who are we to expect perfection from others? That's a lose-lose situation. But taking 100% responsibility. Now, let's put it the other way. Creating a reality. When you take responsibility, if you see a situation that is not to your liking, what can you do to be better with it? How can you act rather than react to the situation? Because when we react, we're not taking responsibilities. We're blaming on it. Oh, the interest rate is this. I'm tired this week. It's easy to put it outside. So if, for example, we say, "Oh, I'm tired," well, why don't you go to bed earlier tonight? Well, that's too simple. Is it? Is it too simple?

Emma K. Viglucci: But I can't go sleep earlier.

Francois Lupien: Exactly. Or take five. This is something that's actually recently was told by my coach. He says you need to meditate three times a day. Okay? So now listen to me, the victim. What do you mean three times a day? Have you seen my schedule? I'm so busy. There's no way I can do this. And he just said, well, I just made a suggestion for you. You can say that you can't do it because of this, this, this or that. Or, how about you ask the question, how can I put meditation three times in my day? And then he said something that was nice. He says it does not need to be one hour every time. It could be five minutes. And then it turned my life around thinking, yeah, I can do three times five minutes. I can find a spot for this. And then the five minutes, some of them became 20 minutes. Some of them became one hour a day that I had less things to do. And so because of that, I started to incorporate because I changed the questions I ask myself. I was taking responsibility. How can I meditate three times a day? Now my mind — revert of communication, we talked — is focused on finding solutions to that question.

Emma K. Viglucci: Right.

Francois Lupien: So I said oh, I can do it this way, or I can do it that way. And then when I miss and I don't do three times in the day, I don't beat myself up. I'll do better tomorrow. That's all. And so, as you do these things, you start to take 100% responsibility and bit by bit giving yourself patience and love. You will get better. And guess what? As I do meditation three times a day, now I'm more calm and less irritable.

Well, actually, we had six kids. Now they're all gone, so it's much easier. There's less chaos in the house now. But before, there was a lot. Imagine six kids around the table. So it's easy to let the outside circumstances control us. When we can say, hey, how can I do better with this? And I think we talked about this, Emma. For example, six kids, it's bound that one of them is going to drop his juice or his milk, for sure. Almost every meal. And I used to lose patience. What are you doing with it? And then my wife says, she asked the following question. Will this matter a thousand years from now? And I go, of course not. She goes, so why do you get irritated with it? Wow. Just why don't we use that as an example for the kids to become self-reliant? If they drop it, say, okay, now that you've dropped it, what can you do to fix this? And the kid, they're not stupid. They're going to say, "Well, I'm going to get a rag and maybe—" Very good. And then you praise them as they're doing this. And now it's a learning experience. And nobody is freaking out anymore, and it's all calm. What is that? Taking responsibility. You're going to say, well, it's not my fault if he dropped the glass. You're correct. But it's your responsibility how you're going to act with it.

And the relationship is the same thing. We take responsibility. Are we seeing this as an attack to us? Or, maybe they're tired? Maybe, you know, they didn't see what we said. Maybe they did not hear what we have just said. So that taking responsibility could be a response. If someone reacts to what we say, we can say something like, "I'm sorry. I don't think this was the intent of what I said. What do you hear?" Well, I heard this and that. Well, that's why you're saying this. Because that's not what I meant. And I'm sorry I didn't express myself in the proper way. So when we do this, the other person, you're no longer fighting like this now. Now it's an open communication. And we can find out more about it.

Emma K. Viglucci: Yes.

Francois Lupien: Yes, and we don't have all the truth. It's okay if someone says blue, and you say green. You don't need to fight for it. One says blue. You say green. That's it. It's okay. So this is something of being a creator of your reality. You decide. Also, I was talking to my wife this weekend about this. We were giving talks at church. And we talked about the fact that if you think about your life right now. Let's say, right now, you have no money to pay the bills. You're stressed out. The car is broken down. The fridge is going to be — I'm pouring a thick now. It's like, oh, what's going on? But if you think about it and you take a deep breath, right now, at this moment, your life is okay. It's when you start to go outside of the present moment that you're freaking out.

Okay. The fridge is gone. So what can we do? Well, maybe we can reduce on the times we go out at the restaurants on a monthly basis, and that payment will pay for the payment for the fridge. Boom. It's a matter of changing what it means and being more calm at it, getting some control, creating the reality that we want. This changes everything. Does it take time? Yes. Is it hard? Yes, at first, it is. But is it worth it? Absolutely. You're building something that's wonderful. And now there's two of you, husband and wife together. And so it's fantastic. My wife and I, we say there's three of us. There's Jesus. So I hold my wife's hands. I hold Jesus' hand, and she holds Jesus' hands and my hands. So we have a threesome that's going on here. And so if we let go of either of the hands, that's when we break the chain of love and understanding.

Emma K. Viglucci: Oh, wow.

Francois Lupien: So that's one thing that we have, my wife and I, that we talked about. Well, actually, let's go to the next. We'll talk about responsibility. When we got sealed in the temple, we'll talk about three levels of glory. So the first one you say in marriage, we're 100% responsibility. So first level is I do 50%, you do 50%. That's 100%. Yeah, it's true. Second level, I do 100%. You do 100%. Oh, that's 100%. That's second level. Now you're ready for the third level. Third level, I do 100% for me. I do 100% for you. You do 100% for you, and you do 100% for me. So when, for example, I'm tired and I have a hard time doing things, she can pick up the slack and come up with what I'm missing. I'm giving 40%; she adds another 60%. I do the same thing with her when she's short. When she gives 40%, I bring in the other 60% so it's 100%. That's the third level. It is a new thinking, a new way of thinking. But when you think about it, it's amazing. So all of them, the situations, are 100% in the marriage and the relationship. The one is 50:50. The one is 100:100. The other one is 100 for me, 100 for you. 100 for me, 100 for you. And that's the true 100%. Is it hard to do? Yes, at first. And it gets easier and easier. And that's the plan. When you practice, you get better at it. And it has some amazing result. As you have more compassion for the other person, you see when they're tired. Oh, I see that now she's nervous or something happens, and so I'm going to step in. Hey, honey, can I do this? I'll do this for you. And she goes, uhh. And then next thing you know, she regains energy and the relationship goes faster.

Same thing with you. You can say, oh, I see that you maybe had a hard day at work today. And so maybe relax a little bit and then come back later. And you relax and you say, okay, I was a dummy on this one. I should relax. And then you come back. You show up better. And then the relationship keeps growing. Guess what? We have to work at it. Success does not attack anybody. That's not — we all have to take the stairs. All of us, we all have to take. There's no elevator to success. We need to take the stairs. But the nice part about taking the stairs is that when you take the stairs, your cardio gets better. Your legs get stronger. And when you get to the top, you enjoy the view and you're in shape to enjoy it.

Emma K. Viglucci: I love that. That's a beautiful analogy. It's so good. You know what's so interesting about that math, right? So that's good relationship math. Usually, the couples, they are struggling to the opposite. Right? Because you're not doing anything, I'm not doing anything. Or you have supposed-to-do stuff even if — it doesn't matter. You promised, so you have to. I mean, it's like, where's the leeway? Where's the grace? Where's the compassion? Where's the humanity in all of that? Right? So can we chill out? Can we do this a little easier? So what you suggested is just really lovely. It's a nice takeaway for couples who just couldn't stand to have a little more grace in their relationships. It's so pretty.

Francois Lupien: Absolutely. And as I'm saying this, even right now, we've been doing this for years. And sometimes, I fail miserably still. I fall come short. I don't do it. And then she says, well, this is the 100. And oh, my god. And then I realize. Then I come back to it.

Emma K. Viglucci: Nobody's perfect.

Francois Lupien: There's no silver bullet. There's no silver bullet. Nobody's perfect. Absolutely not.

Emma K. Viglucci: Yes, and that's something else. Right? So what a good point. We forget that our partner is on a journey also. Right?

Francois Lupien: Yes.

Emma K. Viglucci: And that they're also imperfect. And that it's okay for them to not remember every single time to pick up the sock. They're not doing it on purpose to get you, usually.

Francois Lupien: Yep, usually. It's just a habit, basically, of when they removed the socks. If they removed the socks close to the hamper, then there's no problem.

Emma K. Viglucci: Right. Habit stacking, right? So like just how you remember. How do you make yourself remember? Very good. So good.

Francois Lupien: Absolutely. Yes.

Emma K. Viglucci: Lovely. So what else about being accountable? So how can we build that accountability into the relationship? So how can we show that we are accountable? How can we show up with that respect, with 100%, with keeping our promises and still having that grace? If we're not feeling it, like, how can we go about it so that we're not letting our partner down?

Francois Lupien: Four-letter word. Love. L-O-V-E.

Emma K. Viglucci: Oh, my god.

Francois Lupien: Show your love. Show your love in thoughts, in feelings, and in actions. There's this, there's this thing called from Neville Goddard. And he talks about mental diets. And he says that the conversations we have in our mind about other people is what's going to make it happen. So if you say, "Oh, he's going to do this. He's going to do that," the next thing you know, it happens. You say, I knew it. Well, you created it. Then you say, oh. You say no, I didn't. Go back to the car, that you see the car everywhere. If you think about it, you're going to start to perceive it in the area. Like, if we do something with you right now and I say — oh, I don't see many colors. But okay. Let's try it. If in the room that you're at right now I say look at everything that is green. So look around your room. Look around your room right now. Look at everything that's green. Just do it. Look in the back.

Emma K. Viglucci: I'm looking.

Francois Lupien: In the back, there are some things in the back.

Emma K. Viglucci: I can see on the screen. But yes, yes.

Francois Lupien: Okay. Okay. So you see it. All right. So now close your eyes, and tell me everything that is red in the room.

Emma K. Viglucci: The flowers over here that you don't get to see.

Francois Lupien: Okay.

Emma K. Viglucci: They're both on the corner.

Francois Lupien: So now open your eyes. Do you see more things than red than those two things that you just said?

Emma K. Viglucci: I don't have that much red. But yes, I understand the exercise for sure.

Francois Lupien: The exercise is that what we focus on. So I tricked you by saying green. So you look for green, green, green. Then I say red. You go, red? What?

Emma K. Viglucci: Right.

Francois Lupien: So what we're looking for is easy. If I were to say green, so the plant here, the plant there. You would have known that.

Emma K. Viglucci: Right.

Francois Lupien: So that's what happens in the relationship. Sometimes we think green, green, green. All of a sudden, it's red. Oh, my god. Where is the red? So again, what we focus on.

Emma K. Viglucci: We don't even see it. Right?

Francois Lupien: Yes, you don't see it. Once you're aware, you go, oh, there it is. There's some red. So it's, yeah, again, compassion. And that's that word love. When you got married, when you got together at first, you got love for the person. You can't stop thinking about her or him. Oh, daydreaming. Oh, I'm going to meet him tonight. I'm going to meet her tonight. And so these feelings were very simple. You were going into your mind making a movie of good stuff happening. And then with anticipation when it happened, you were ready. Are you still doing that today?

Emma K. Viglucci: Right.

Francois Lupien: If you're not, shame on you. Because we should be doing that. I can't wait for my wife to come. Sometimes I text her. I say I can't wait for you to come home. It's anticipation. It's those little things that make a big difference. It's not the big things. It's the little things that make a difference done consistently. You know, when you come home, you give yourself a hug and a kiss a little longer, a little more feeling into it. Not, okay, I need to go prepare supper now or do — take the time. Live each moment with what's kept. Because the dishes can wait. You can eat a couple of minutes later. All these things that we think, it can wait. But the relationship? When we die, that's the thing that I'm going to remember from the other person. Not their socks or this or that. We're going to remember the feelings we had with them. So let's make sure that we build lots of memories of good feelings together. Because that's in our power. We can create our reality, as I mentioned before.

Emma K. Viglucci: Oh, it's so good. I love it. And the whole thing with the red example, that was so good. Because even if the red is there and we want red, but if we're not looking for the red, we're looking for the green, we miss it.

Francois Lupien: Yes.

Emma K. Viglucci: Right?

Francois Lupien: But it's still there.

Emma K. Viglucci: So partners are doing good stuff. And the partners are looking for the bad stuff that you're doing, so they miss the good stuff. Not the other one.

Francois Lupien: Yes.

Emma K. Viglucci: Yes, it's so good. That's right.

Francois Lupien: Robbing ourselves, yeah.

Emma K. Viglucci: Lovely. Lovely. Good. So tell me a little bit about reframing when things don't work out the way that we want. When our partner is being imperfect, how can we get over that little hump? When we get annoyed, we want to think of the four-letter-word — the good one, the good four-letter word. And we're having a hard time because they really annoyed us. Right? So then what?

Francois Lupien: Yeah, well, I have a good example of this. And this is something that happened when I first got married. You know, when you get married, well, and I'm very old fashioned. We did live together before marriage and then we — so now you discover things that you did not know. And for me, because I'm always right, the toothpaste, you squeeze it at the tip. Not in the middle. At the tip. And so that it stays nice and big throughout. My wife doesn't care about that. She just grabs it in the middle and squeezes it and puts it back in. So now my perfect toothpaste is all crimpled in the middle. I go, what is this? This is a no, no. Like, now you can hear me. So this is stupid. Think about it. We do this all the time. And so I had the nerve to tell her. And I said, you know, honey, you know I love you. But the toothpaste, you know, you need to press it. She goes, get over it. And she just left. I go, what? So then I could have decided to go down the rabbit hole nests. Okay. So I asked myself a question. How can I change this? How can I reframe? This is what the word is. How can I reframe the situation?

And check this out. This is very interesting. I decided that since me, when I touched the toothpaste, when I come back, it's perfect, right? But if I'm not the last one to have touched it and it's her, it's going to be crimpled. So when I opened the cupboard and I see the toothpaste and it's crippled, I'd go, "How lucky I am. My wife was here. She touched that toothpaste last. I'm blessed I have a wife. I am married. There is someone in my life. I am not alone. How grateful this is." And now something that used to irritate me, turns me on, so to speak, to the love that I have for my wife. I'm not alone. She's here. And so this is a simple thing. But life is made of many simple episodes, many simple episodes.

Emma K. Viglucci: I love that. I have a similar example on the flip side of that. So one of my little pet peeves is loose coins. Right? So my husband and I have been together for a very long time too, over 30 years. And early in our relationship, he used to leave bunches of coins all over the place. And they used to really aggravate me. So when I mentioned that to him, he's like, that's how you — so that you remember that I'm here, he said to me. What? So now when I see the coins all over the place, I don't know if he's doing it on purpose. But that's what I remember. And I know that he's here.

Francois Lupien: Yeah, see, that's it. And that's called reframing. Reframing means give another meaning to an experience. And the art of reframing is: give a good meaning to something that you think is bad. For example, I mean, the toothpaste. It's bad, but I reframed it. And now when I see it, I'm happy. It brings joy to me. Now I brush my teeth, and then you're in the mirror. So I think of my wife brushing my teeth. I have a smile on my face. And then I can't wait to go kiss her now because my teeth are clean.

Emma K. Viglucci: I love it.

Francois Lupien: And so it's that thing of reframing. It's such an important part of our relationships and the marriage, you know. You reframe. You come into the kitchen, and there's dirty dishes on the counter. You can say, I can't believe they don't pick up this stuff. Or you can say, aren't we blessed that we have enough food that we can eat? Some people don't have food. We can. And then when you start cleaning the dish or putting it away, I say that's my wife, or my daughter, or my son, or whatever. And then you can think about good feelings about them when you're doing this. So we're reframing it. Making life circumstances. As I said, I think it was number two, not being a victim of circumstances. Oh, I don't want those dishes again. We're the creator of my reality, of saying, hey, we're blessed. Look, we have food to eat. This is fantastic. We are blessed. So it turns it around. I like it.

Emma K. Viglucci: That's very empowering. I love it. Especially with the little things in the relationship that are annoying, if that could be reframed as, I have a partner and I'm blessed to have a relationship with this amazing person. That right now annoyed me a little bit. But in the whole scheme of things, you know, this is not a big deal. Right? So then just remembering that your partner is amazing in all other ways and how blessed you are to have them in your life. Fabulous.

Francois Lupien: Absolutely. And the more you do this, the stronger the bonds become. Because you become a more loving person, and they see that. Then they become a more loving person. That's awesome.

Emma K. Viglucci: Yes, yes, that's what I sell. That's what I tried to sell. It starts with us, right? That's the whole concept. Very good.

Francois Lupien: It does.

Emma K. Viglucci: So, um, I think this is the last question for the day. And I know that you have a very empowering message or concept about increase. If you could explain to the audience a little bit about leaving your partner or anybody with the impression of increase. So what does that mean? In different circles, it might mean different things. But in this context, how can we use that to improve the relationship and to enrich the relationship?

Francois Lupien: Thank you for asking. And to everybody listening, this is a key tip, the golden tip to make things happen better, let's say, with the spouse. Leave everyone with the impression of increase. Leave your spouse with the impression of increase. For example, you get up in the morning, and there's things that are going on that is hectic. You can take a little time to pick up something. Or I'm going to say like, for example. I'll make an example. Rushing, rushing, rushing and my wife takes the time to put a little note in my lunch when I used to go in the car on a trip. And so when I'm eating my lunch, I see "I love you, honey. Have a great day." She left me with the impression of increase. So it's small things. You get up in the morning. And then she jumps in the shower, and then you get out of bed. You do the bed yourself. When she comes out of the shower, the bed is done. What? Feeling with the impression of increase, that means you stop thinking about yourself and you start thinking more about the other person how they can feel better. It does not mean that you'd buy them a car, or you'd go to a lavish restaurant. It can be small things. It does not have to be big. But it's intentional, and it's something that is thoughtful. You thought of them.

For example, this morning, we were talking with my son. And he says, I need this. So we put this thing on the note. But I need this piece of paper because I got notes for a course here. So my wife is saying, "But I need this. This is what — take a picture of it or something." He says, well, I don't want to take a picture. I wanted a piece of that. I say okay, I'll do it for you. So then, before this call, I took a piece of paper and I wrote down the message that's on it. And I put it on the kitchen table, nice and big for her to see when she comes home tonight. It's a small thing. But when she will come, she's going to say, he thought about me.

Emma K. Viglucci: Right.

Francois Lupien: It works almost all time. But what I'm doing is I'm making, and this is — you're talking about I was a trainer for Tony Robbins, with Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Making deposits in people's emotional bank accounts. So leaving everybody with the impression of increase is, you're making deposits in people's emotional bank account. So think of an account, and your account is for your emotions. Good emotions, we put deposits. You and I and everybody else, sometimes, we fall short. And we make withdrawals on those emotional bank account. But if we make more withdraws than we make deposits, then the account goes in the red. Now we're in trouble. Financial trouble in the bank if you're in the red. Emotional trouble in the house if your emotional bank account is in the red. So you constantly put deposits. And the more deposits that you put, when comes the inevitable, withdraw. Because we're not perfect. It will not affect it as much. Because the thought is, how can I leave her or how I can leave him with the impression of increase? Think about it. You're making deposits in the emotional bank account. So they feel better. You feel better. And as I said, well, because we're imperfect, we make some withdrawals. It doesn't have as big an impact when it's empty.

And if when you make a small thing, it makes it blow, think. Take responsibility. When we talked about the third number, the thing we said. Take responsibility. Was I making enough deposit in that bank account, or was I making too many withdrawals? And that's why she blew. That's why he blew. That's on you. That's not on them. It's on you. See how we take responsibility once again? Take responsibility for what's going on. And make sure that it runs better for you and for others. You say, that's going to be hard. Well, who said it was going to be easy to have a relationship? No one said it was going to be easy, but it's worth it. Let me tell you. Being alone and lonely, that's not good. You can have all the money in the world and you're alone, that's not really good. You can be broke and have the love of your life. That's a little better. It's better to not have money with the love of your life. But still, it has to do with you taking responsibilities. That's why I said that last point. It's going to change your life. Leave everyone you meet with the impression of increase.

Emma K. Viglucci: You get it to the bank account.

Francois Lupien: I'll give you an example. Yes, I'll give you an example.

Emma K. Viglucci: Increase the bank account. I love it, yes.

Francois Lupien: And I like to make tests like this. So I am at — in Canada, we have Canadian Tire. It's a hardware store. And I'm in line. There's people. And I can see that the lady is not having a great day. So when I come to her, I say hello, how are you? You know, I'm fine. And you know that she's not doing fine. I noticed that she has a ring, so I know she's married. And so one thing I noticed, I have five items. And whenever she passed them — beep, beep — the scan on the first scan every time. Sometimes people have to scan two, three times to scan. She was doing the first time, so I tell her genuine compliment. This is amazing. You are scanning on the first time every shot. Most people, it takes two, three shots. She cracked a little smile when I said that. I said I think you're good. See, it was a genuine compliment. It was not just fluff. And so she passes that and then she says it's going to come to, I don't know, $65. I said okay. Then she asked, do you have a loyalty card? I said, you even thought about that? You're busy. I said, you're very conscientious. And now she started to smile. But what I'm saying is true. I'm not saying fluff. It's true. She said that, so I acknowledged. And she says, yeah. And then I said, what time do you finish today? It was a quarter to five. She said, I finish at five o'clock. I said, oh, only 15 minutes to go. I said, I'm sure you're can't wait to get home. I said, you're married. You got kids? She go, yeah. I said, what are you going to have for supper? She said, well, tonight we're making this. I go, oh, I wish I can go. And then she starts to smile. I said, you must be a great coach. She goes, yeah, I'm pretty good. I said, thank you so much. I wish you a great day. And bon appétit when you go home tonight. And then as I leave, I turn around. And guess what? The other person that comes in, she goes to that person. She goes, how are you today, with a big smile? And he goes, I'm fine. How are you? Leaving everyone with the impression of increase has a ripple effect. I did it with her. She did it with him. He's going to be happy when he gets to his house. So all these things are good. So let's do it for the greater good. Leaving everyone with the impression of increase will have a ripple effect to raise the kindness that people can have all around the world and will benefit. And that's the story.

Emma K. Viglucci: Oh, my goodness. So gorgeous, Francois. Beautiful. Excellent. Exactly. And it starts with the tiny little thing, right? There's always good stuff. We just have to notice it and observe and acknowledge it. Like, why not? Right? It's no loss there. It's win, win, win.

Francois Lupien: And even as you said, win, win, win. When you say it, they smile. And when they smile, then you smile. So guess what? It's a win, win, win. You're exactly it. It's not just win, lose. It's win, win. And win, win, win, others will benefit from it as well. I love that.

Emma K. Viglucci: Yeah, all around beautiful. So, so good. Okay. So last minute words of wisdom that you want to impart to our listeners?

Francois Lupien: It all starts with you. It all starts with you. And when you believe that, you start taking responsibility. Then you want to leave others with relationships with the impression of increase. And you will communicate better with yourself, and you're going to get better with others. It all starts with you. Taking responsibility will put you in the driver's seat of the beautiful life that you create. Stop tip-toeing through life. You have only one life to live. Make the best of it starting today by being kind to yourself and to everybody around you.

Emma K. Viglucci: So good. Yes, I used to end the sessions when I had a physical office, I used to open the door when I walk people out. And I used to say be nice to yourself and each other. That was my goodbye message.

Francois Lupien: That's a good one.

Emma K. Viglucci: Yes, so good.

Francois Lupien: Be nice to yourself and each other. Internal communication and external communication.

Emma K. Viglucci: So good. Well, Francois, thank you so much for being here. We're going to have some — I don't know. If you want to say some of the places where people could find you? And we're also going to put all the links in the show notes.

Francois Lupien: Sure, yeah, if you want. I think that there's something that you asked me to give to people. And it's a short course. People say I should sell it. I give it to people. But because it's free, don't take it for granted. And it's got to do with an attitude that you can have. And I explained it in depth. And I have some proprietary things that come with it. It is wonderful. It's going to help you to get back on track real fast when things are going sideways in your life. And it doesn't take long to do. But it's powerful. So she will have that for you.

And also, if you go to YouTube — my name is Francois Lupien. Francois Lupien, How to Become More. How to Become More, Francois Lupien — I think I have over 600 videos there. Watch the videos. Enjoy them. Some you'll like. Some you won't. That's okay. And then if you feel that there's some connection, you want to go deeper on a subject, you can get a hold of me. But you decide to get a hold of me. I'm not chasing people. Let's attract. If we feel good one with another, that's good. And if I can point you in the direction of someone else, so be it as well. You're in good hands with Emma for your relationships. That's for sure.

Emma K. Viglucci: Thank you so much. You are a breath of fresh air. Thank you so much for sharing time with me today. I appreciate you. And thank you so much for being here.

Francois Lupien: Thank you so much for all you do and the difference that you're making. And to everybody listening, this podcast is dear to her heart. You should see how much preparation. She wants to make sure that we're prepared and ready to deliver something that is useful for all of you. Emma is fantastic. Thank you for having me.

Emma K. Viglucci: Oh, thank you, Francois. And to the listeners, I will see you at the next one. Bye.

 

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