Successful Relationship with Emma

Creating More Harmony and Passion in Your Relationship with Valerie Greene (Ep. 28)

• Emma Viglucci • Episode 28

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Even though we love our partner so much, we might still find that we fight or feel disconnected often… We might attribute this to flukes, poor communication skills, our partner’s attributes and imperfections, our sensitivities or triggers, or not being compatible and wondering about our commitment to the relationship… And there might be some truth to some or all of these… But there is also something else going on as well. Something that most partners don’t usually pay attention to. And that is how they are using their Core Masculine or Feminine Energies… 

Gender aside, partners have both energies as human beings. And they inherently lean towards one more than the other at their core. Things got messed up for us with the women’s movement in that women had to take on more of their masculine traits and characteristics to survive and compete in a man’s world. Shunning and repressing their more feminine traits.  

Our world hasn’t been valuing feminine characteristics like emotionality, expressiveness, sensitivity, compassion, empathy, nurturing, caring, intuition, creativity, flow, gentleness, helpfulness, collaboration, and such… When people show up with these traits, they are considered weak… So, women and other female identifying persons have adapted to using their masculine traits more: logical, reserved, disciplined, ambitious, planner, leader, assertive, aggressive, courageous, and such…

Why do we care about this? Because when both partners show up to an interaction, or to their relationship in general, with masculine energy, that’s what creates friction. That’s when they butt heads, disagree and fight. And that’s when the Core Masculine person in the relationship gets displaced, where they then become disengaged or distant. Creating the feeling of disconnection in the relationship… 

To make matters worse, there is no attraction between two of the same core energies… Opposites are needed to create passion and be swept off our feet if our core is feminine and that’s what we desire. 

In this episode, I have a wonderfully enlightening conversation with Women and Relationship Coach, Valerie Greene on how to use our Core Energies to create more harmony and passion in our relationship. We explore the differences between masculine and feminine energies, how to identify what energy we are operating from and how to distinguish when each is called for,  what type of relationship gets created according to what energy we choose to show up with, that we can choose what kind of relationship we want to create, how to bring our feminine energy back online, and how we can turn our relationship around. 

Additionally, we cover how to feel and expand our gratitude feels this holiday season.

Hope you enjoy it! 

 

*Visit the Episode’s Page for the Video, related content, info about the guest, other resources AND to get our FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!  

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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.



Emma Viglucci: Hello, lovelies and welcome to another episode. I am so excited for today's topic. We talk about masculine and feminine energy, one of my latest favorites. And to have the conversation, my guest is Valerie Greene, a relationship coach who specializes in working with women, helping them do their feminine energy better, embody it better, show up with it better so that they can change the dynamics and create their relationship that they're looking for.

So today the conversation covers what the relationship might look like if the partners are showing up funky with their energy or if they're not really utilizing their energies well, they're core more inherent energies. Because we all have both energies, right? And what it might look like if we're not showing up with our core energy well, number one. Number two, then what each of the energies are. Like what is feminine energy? What is masculine energy? How might they show up in the relationship? How might they show up if we're being funky with them, and how might they show up when we're using them well? What might that look like when we use them well or to use them well? And then when we use them well, how to create the harmony and the passion and the yumminess in the relationship? How do we inspire the change? How do we each show up differently so that we can create a difference in our dynamic and really enjoy each other more? How do we show up to the relationship in a way that each of us feels that the other one really appreciates that, that the other one really is there for us, that the other one is really happy to be in a relationship with us? So when we show up with our energies properly, the union is really amazing because we're really honoring who we really are at the core. The partners are honoring each other. So that's what the conversation does. It's going to give you the flavor of all of that. And then we wrap up with some wonderful strategies and insights on how to go about doing the holidays so that you have your own back, and you can really create holidays that serve you and enjoy them and use them for what they're meant to be used. Not just celebrating whatever holiday as a celebration but to enrich your life and your relationships. So that's what's in store for you today. Stay tuned. You're in for a treat.

Let me read you Valerie's bio, and then we'll say hello to Valerie. Valerie Green is a unique relationship mentor, author, and speaker who has been helping women and couples attract, reignite, and sustain lasting love since 2005. A highly successful alternative to relationship therapy, Valerie facilitates a secure emotional connection—not just problem-solving or communication skills. She has been featured on many podcasts, summits, and shows. Valerie struggled in romantic relationships until she healed her own blocks to unconditional love, which inspired her to pursue numerous certifications in coaching, NLP, and emotional healing modalities. Now Valerie has an earned secure attachment style and teaches others how to build a secure attachment. She believes that love, passion, intimacy, and mutual support is everyone's birthright, and it's never too late to heal and learn the skills of lasting love. Without further ado, let's say hello to Valerie.

Emma Viglucci: Hello, Ms. Valerie. How are you today?

Valerie Greene: I'm wonderful. It's so great to be here. How are you?

Emma Viglucci: I'm great. Thank you. A little bit of a cold, a little congested but hanging in there and doing well. I'm super excited for our conversation today.

Valerie Greene: Wonderful, yeah. And you look and sound great, so I couldn't tell.

Emma Viglucci: Thank you. Thank you. That's lovely. Generous of you. Okay. So I was so looking forward to this conversation, because you are the guru, the expert of all things feminine, masculine energy, relationship. More the feminine side of that but how to play with the masculine, so we could create an amazing relationship. And the audience might be like, "What the heck does that mean?" And so we're going to start with maybe describing a little bit about, if your energies are a little off, this is what it might look like. And then we're going to describe what the energies mean. So then the audience knows, "Oh, I should be paying attention because this is happening in my relationship." And then we'll describe what to do with it and what it is. Good?

Valerie Greene: Exactly. Yeah, I mean, I think it might make more sense to define masculine, feminine energy first before we talk about what it looks like when it's unbalanced just because it can be a little nuanced. But I think it's simple in terms of how we describe it. So masculine, feminine energy doesn't mean you're macho or submissive. Those are the stereotypes, right? So I think that all of us are used to hearing those stereotypes, and we can for a moment put those aside. Because masculine and feminine energy — as I define it and as, you know, the experts define it, David Deida is I think the most prolific person who talks about it — is that both men and women have masculine and feminine energies inside us. And that's healthy. In fact, if we were unbalanced, if someone identifying as a woman only had a feminine energy, then that wouldn't really work in our society too. She would just perpetually be a damsel in distress and nice in a movie. But not even anymore. It would kind of bring movie these days.

So what masculine energy is, it's the energy inside all of us. Like, I'm in my masculine energy right now because I'm trying to communicate a concept. So it's not bad for a woman to be in her masculine energy. This is necessary. So masculine energy is, what's the point? It's getting to the goal. It's being problem solving and also analyzing and choosing a direction and creating action steps and milestones and check marks in order to get there. You know, we're smiling because I know we're both New Yorkers. New York is a very masculine place. So it's like, how can we live in New York City without being in our masculine energy as well? Although, I've found that, at least in my experience, it's also really easy for me to be in my feminine energy in New York City as long as I know how to do it. Then I notice all the men want to open doors for me and, you know, like, "Hey, can I help you with that? Can I carry your bag?" You know, like, it could because it's so masculine. So we'll talk about, not in a manipulative way but how to inspire men if you're a woman from your feminine energy to want to do more. So we'll get to that in a minute what it looks like when it's out of balance.

But anyway, so masculine energy is, if you think about it, David Deida actually makes this analogy in his most well-known book The Way of the Superior Man. That like the masculine partner is like the captain of the ship. He's the one that's choosing the direction, that's leading the ship in the direction, that's using the compass, and that's navigating all the weather. And then feminine energy is everything else. It is the weather. It is the sun and the moon and the stars and the ocean and all of the elements that he's navigating through. So what does that mean? What is feminine energy Well, feminine energy is our feelings and really being open-hearted towards our feelings. Self-compassion towards our emotions is something that compassion is neither masculine nor feminine. But because women have more communication between the left and right sides of their brain than men do just biologically, we can talk about that too. And by the way, we're talking about cis men and women. I am not, you know, an expert in the biological differences between transgender people, obviously, but I know I want to be inclusive. So there are biological differences between most cis men and most cis women that cause women to have an easier time being aware of our emotions and giving ourselves compassion and self-empathy for our emotions — we'll talk about how that's a strength later — how to embody your feminine energy is really being comfortable feeling your emotions, expressing them with an open heart, dropping down into our bodies, and feeling our intuition and sensual nature. That doesn't just mean sexual but really feeling our five senses and learning how to, what I call, 'alchemyze' or channel our emotions so that we can feel them with the five senses, and we can communicate them with an open heart using our five senses, which is what allows us to even communicate that we're sad, or scared, or angry with a man without making him feel challenged, or managed, or criticized. So that's what I'll be talking about later. Because if we're in a cycle of, you know, a downward spiral or a negative cycle, usually, what that looks like is the feminine partner not being able to be open-hearted with her feelings such that she's telling the man what to do, or making him wrong, or criticizing him, or blaming him for her feelings. I do that sometimes too, so I don't want to communicate judgment there or whatever. But that then causes, you know, men do it too, of course. I'm not saying that it's the woman who's managing controlling, making the man wrong, and men aren't doing that. It's just that because men have masculine energy, usually, they have different core vulnerabilities. So if they feel controlled or criticized, they'll think they're doing it wrong. And they'll either get defensive or leave the conversation. And then we feel abandoned and unimportant and not cared for as a feminine woman.

So when a man controls and criticizes and, you know, makes a woman wrong, we feel hurt of course, and we feel disrespected. It's not like that feels good to us either. We'll get defensive and leave too. It's not like we won't. It's just that when — because men and women have different core vulnerabilities, women tend to feel like we're not loved when we're criticized. And that then causes us to feel hurt, of course, and that contributes to a negative cycle. But I think it's important to understand that because if we're a feminine — all of us are in our culture, in Western industrialized culture, women got power. I was raised in the 1970s, so that was kind of the tail end of the feminist movement here. The way that women gained power, which I'm glad we did, is by being more masculine, is by being more goal-oriented, is by being more accomplishment-oriented. And the problem is, then we lost the ability of being able to inspire a man with our feelings and with our sensual nature, not like we're manipulating him with our sexuality but our ability to intuit how to meet our own emotional needs, which is a huge skill of the feminine. Such that then we can express our feelings with an open heart. That is a skill that we have as a feminine-oriented person more than a masculine-oriented person.

So there are women that naturally have a lot of masculine energy. And that's fine too. It's just that what it looks like in a healthy dynamic of a woman naturally has a lot of masculine energy, which is just out of the gate. Since you were a little girl, you liked being really ambitious and goal-driven. Maybe you played sports. Maybe you were more of a tomboy. Sports are a masculine paradigm only because they're goal-driven, but that doesn't mean that women aren't good at sports. It's just that if we're both two goal-driven people in the relationship, now I'll talk about what it looks like to be out of balance.

Emma Viglucci: Right. Exactly. Yeah, we're totally — if we're both in that masculine, that would be the results, right? But we could get more into that in a second. Before we shift gears, Valerie, so can you describe a little bit more some of the characteristics of the feminine? I think we have a few of the masculine — goal-oriented, directive. I'm not sure if we use that word, goal achievement, like all that kind of stuff. But what are some a little bit more on the feminine, so women could identify, oh, okay, these are my feminine traits. I didn't realize what it means to be feminine?

Valerie Greene: Right. Yes, thank you. It's also, you know, besides sensuality, feelings and intuition, it's also just being and enjoying the moment. So activities like playing an instrument. If you're doing it not to practice to get to Carnegie Hall, that would be a masculine thing. Feminine way, you're playing an instrument. It's enjoying it. It is playing the music like something, like playing the guitar not to be a rock star but to enjoy singing and to enjoy the beautiful sounds, you know. It's things like cooking for the joy of cooking, you know. Not because you have to feed your family for that night by seven o 'clock. That would be a masculine goal. But cooking for, you know, which is I'm not saying it's bad to be masculine, right? We need to be masculine to get things done. But it's important to recognize that if we're butting heads, if we're arguing, if you're with a masculine energy man, and you'll know he's mostly masculine energy because he is ambitious, he needs a lot of transition time between doing a task and then resting and doing a task and then resting. Because men are very single focus if they have masculine energy, and they need to just recharge and not be bothered when they're resting, you know. And he wants to solve problems and analyze and get to the point, then you know he's a masculine energy man. Then if you act that way around him where you're saying, "This is what I want you to do. And this is, you know, I don't like it when this happens. And I want it this way instead," you're being goal-oriented. You're being problem-solving. You're saying what you want in a directive way. That's masculine energy. Then a guy like that is going to either butt heads with you and say, "No, we're not doing it that way." And you'll be arguing. Or he'll say yes, but he'll not know why he feels not motivated to do it because he feels disrespected. Because masculine energy men are not inspired by being told what to do. They'll dig their heels in, and not even know why they're not doing it. They just don't feel like it. So if that's the dynamic you're in, then it might be because you're too much in your masculine energy.

Emma Viglucci: Oh, so good. Yes, absolutely. I love that.

Valerie Greene: I think this really comes into play with communication. We know that we're in our masculine or feminine energy depending on how we communicate with our partner. And of course, there's a way to know just inside ourself, but that takes a little bit more practice. So I think let's come up with an example. Like, what's something that this generic example of a homemaker, you know. We're not talking about any specific person here but a woman who's a homemaker. And she wants to communicate something to her husband. And is it to get a problem solved, or is it just that she wants to be heard? And how would she do that for masculine energy versus feminine energy, you know?

Emma Viglucci: Right. That's a great distinction. And I think that that's where partners are getting stuck. Right? That approach right there in that moment is the key of how that conversation is being approached. Do you want to dive into that a little bit?

Valerie Greene: Yeah, I mean, we can still talk about what it means to be in your masculine, what it means to be in your feminine even as your homemaker. That's why I think, you know, it's good to use that example. But what would this said woman want to communicate? Like, is it something that she wants to be different? Is it like she is happy to cook but she wants him to take the trash out, and maybe he hasn't been, you know? Something like that. That's a very common example I think, you know. Like, she does all of the housework and cooking. And maybe his one chore that he's agreed to do is take the trash out, but he hasn't been doing it. So I think that's very common, right? So how do you communicate that from feminine energy versus masculine energy? Right? Exactly.

So masculine energy is what we've all been taught to use. It's very straightforward. It's just kind of saying what you want, you know. It's, "Hey, I've been cooking all day. I really want you to take the trash out." You know, even if you say it in a matter-of-fact way and you're not inherently making him wrong, you're just asking for what you want, "I want you to take the trash out."

Emma Viglucci: That didn't even sound that bad.

Valerie Greene: He's already doing it. Right. This is what I'm saying. There's nothing wrong. You know, masculine energy is not wrong. And if he does it, if he's like, "Oops, you're right. I forgot," then there's no problem. Right? But let's say that he is a very masculine energy man, and he doesn't like being told what to do. And that when you remind him to do it, it's not like he's not going to do it but he's going to feel ashamed that he didn't do it. Because that's what happens when we tell a man what to do. He feels ashamed that he didn't do it, especially if we're reminding him to do something he agreed to do. Now, there's nothing wrong with this. But if that is what's happening and, okay, he does it, then you try to talk to him later about your day and he's kind of like, "Eh, yeah, okay. Fine. What do you mean?" Then it's because he feels ashamed. And he doesn't know that he feels ashamed. It's just that maybe he'll put his energy into work so that he gets to feel successful at something. So that combats the feeling of shame that he just had because he got told what to do.

Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong. But if this dynamic is happening where your man feels kind of pushed away, it might be because you're in your masculine energy and telling him what to do. So the feminine way of expressing that is talking about your feelings with an open heart. Because remember: feminine energy is about feelings. It's about sensuality. It's about intuition. And it's about just being, not having a goal, just relating to feelings and wanting to feel more fulfilled than you do now. That's the goal. It's just wanting to feel more fulfilled. I'm not even going to say happy, because I don't believe that happiness is a goal. Because if you try to hold on to happiness, then we usually do that by suppressing our other feelings. And if we can feel sadness, or fear, or even anger with an open heart and communicate that in a loving way where you're not making him wrong, that's what it takes to inspire a masculine energy man to step up and want to make you feel more fulfilled. And so I would say that, if I'm really embodying my feminine energy, like, "Hey, I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy doing the housework. I know that you worked all day too, and you're all so tired. I just feel exhausted. And the thought of me taking the trash out right now just makes me feel more exhausted. It would make me feel so taken care of if you do it."

Emma Viglucci: And everyone who's listening to this now wants to throw up.

Valerie Greene: Yes, yes, I know. Why do I have to do that? Why do I have to do this extra work? Why do I have to tell him in that way? Why can't he just man up and admit that he didn't do it and be okay feeling ashamed and just do it. You know, it's his job to do it, right?

Emma Viglucci: Right. Well, not okay feeling shame. Obviously, we don't want the guys to feel bad. But like really? We had to turn ourselves into a pretzel so they take out the garbage. Like that's what it comes across as, you know what I mean?

Valerie Greene: Yeah, I hear that. And, you know, if that is your reaction, then you don't have to talk about your feelings. You can just talk about that you want him to do things and not do things. There's nothing wrong with that. Like I said, masculine energy or feminine energy is, there's no right or wrong about that.

Emma Viglucci: Right.

Valerie Greene: And in fact, if what I wanted to say earlier, there's women that I've met who naturally want to be the masculine partner. They want to make the rules. They want to make the decisions. They want to solve problems. They want to be able to navigate the household. And this is how it's going to be. Maybe their project manager at work and their husband is, you know, somebody who is not as good at organizing, or he has a different talent, you know. Or maybe he is naturally more feminine in that he's a musician or an artist. And, you know, those are feminine careers, because you're enjoying self-expression without having a goal other than to enjoy self -expression and, you know, inspire others with it, which is feminine energy.

There's nothing wrong with a man having feminine energy. It's just that if you want to have more masculine energy, then it's important to accept that if a man is attracted to that and wants to be around you when you're in your masculine energy, then he might be more feminine. He might not want to solve the problems or make the rules. And he might want to be more just collaborative. Because feminine energy is not submissive. I also want to correct that misconception. It's not about just blindly following him telling you what to do, but it's about being collaborative. It's about saying, "That doesn't feel good to me. I want it to feel better. Can we talk about it? Can we brainstorm? This is my suggestion. What do you think?" As opposed to arguing and telling him what you want instead. "No, I don't want that. I want this. No, I don't want that. I want this." It's like, that doesn't feel right. I want something that like, for example, if he wants to take you on a trip to somewhere like Alaska because it's gorgeous with the mountains. But it's too cold for you, and you want somewhere warmer. Masculine energy would just be like, "No, I want to go to Hawaii," which is a very feminine place by the way. Whereas New York City, very masculine. A place of Hawaii, very feminine place.

But if you're arguing about it, there's nothing wrong with being in masculine energy. But if you're arguing, then the way to stop arguing is to be more in your feminine, which is to talk about your feelings and to have compassion for his feelings. Then all of a sudden, you won't be arguing. You'll be like, "Hey, I get it. You want to go to Alaska because it's beautiful. I like beauty. It's colder for me. I'd like somewhere warmer. Can we brainstorm? My idea is Hawaii because it's warmer, but I don't need it to be Hawaii. I just wanted to be somewhere warm. What do you think?" That's feminine because you're collaborating. You're not telling him what to do.

So if you want to be more masculine, you want to make the plans and the rules. Then the guy that's going to be a good match for you is going to be more collaborative, not ambitious, not goal-oriented, not problem solving. If you tell him what to do, then he'll be like, "Oh, that doesn't really — I don't really like it. Let's brainstorm, you know." But that kind of man is not going to want to take you on dates. He's going to want it to be more of an equal partnership, where you're making the plans to go out together, and you're both paying for it, you know. Same thing with planning trips, like, he's not going to want to make you feel swept off your feet. That type of more, you know, not an alpha man. If you want to be with someone who's more of an alpha man, then that kind of man is only going to feel romantically inspired if you're more in your feminine energy. So none of this is wrong or right. But it's just about looking at, what is the dynamic that I'm caught in? Are we either butting heads, or are we just distant? Then it makes sense for me to embody more feminine energy if I'm a woman, or more masculine energy if I'm a man.

Emma Viglucci: I love that distinction. In all the things that you were saying at the end there, I think that it boils down to what kind of relationship you want to have. Right? So if you want to have a relationship where you feel taken care of and swept off your feet and all the romance and the passion, then this is the prescription. And you might not like it, but this is how you're going to get that. But if you're okay being more collaborative, more modern and more equal and making the decisions, making the plans, and just being half and half kind of thing, 50 -50 how people are saying it, and more egalitarian, then that's the kind of relationship you're going to create. If that's okay with you, then you're not going to have the passion and the sex, you know, the different things. So it depends on what you're looking for, right? You might be okay with this. And then that's fine. Right?

But then if that's not working for you, if you're not feeling satisfied, if you're not feeling fulfilled, if you're not feeling loved, and you're fighting all the time, maybe it's not working for you. You think you want that, but maybe you really don't. Let's talk, maybe something to think about, right?

Valerie Greene: Exactly, yeah. And it's not so black and white. It's not like you're not going to have any passion if you will be in your masculine energy, and you're with a masculine energy guy. It's just that, it'll feel distant at the very least when you want to feel that, I call it, into-me-see (intimacy). It's really when the positive cycle is when the feminine partner chooses with an open heart to let the masculine partner into her feelings and needs. Like, you know, it would feel so — you know, we'll take the example that we just gave with the garbage. Like, it would just make me feel so taken care of knowing that when I make the kitchen messy and I have to clean up the rest of it that then you take the garbage down because you know. Then I feel like I don't have to deal with the grossest part you do, and then I feel like I get to be a lady and I get to be, you know, like just doing the part of it that feels sensuous and that smells good and tastes good. And I get to enjoy that without having to do all the work. And then I feel taken care of. That if you say it in that way, you know, I know that it might seem like work. But a masculine energy person, it's important to understand that men don't really talk about feelings with each other. They talk about goals. And it's sort of been, you know, the cliche that men have like five feelings. They're like happy, sad, angry, horny, and hungry. Maybe tired. But, you know, like they don't usually even talk about those with their guy friends, the horny or tired and the hungry part. But, you know, or maybe happy, sad, angry. I don't know.

But emotions are really, as the research shows, what drives our behavior and our decisions just unconsciously. And so we all need to be feeling our emotions. But men aren't normally feeling them. So when a woman is able to feel her feelings with an open heart and express her feelings and needs in a way that's not making him wrong, a man feels enchanted. Like, "Oh my gosh. There's this feeling creature in front of me, and I just want to give her pleasure and see how I can make her feel good." And that's how we crave as women. It's to have our feelings cherished.

Emma Viglucci: Yes, beautiful. Very nice. Exactly. So I guess for the women or the more feminine energy people that are listening and taking this in, and they're like, "Gosh. Okay. So how do I—" Yes, I'm the feminine version in this relationship or the feminine partner in this relationship. But I still have a hard time doing my feminine side. I guess what I want to offer is some gentle love and say it's okay. Easy does it. Practice makes progress. Right? And just this way of communicating and embodying and owning, you just have to get used to it. It's just like anything else. It's a skill, right? Like we could become more ourselves with practice. And maybe we could talk a little bit more about that at some point today too. How do we do that? How do we get better at this? How do we get better at being ourselves, showing up with the good qualities that we have that we don't use maybe as much that would serve us a lot more?

Valerie Greene: Exactly.

Emma Viglucci: If we embrace them more.

Valerie Greene: Yeah, I mean, I think that that's a really great question to move towards. It's, how to start embodying your feminine energy if you notice that you've mostly been in your masculine energy? But with a masculine partner or you're attracted to masculine partners. So you recognize, "Oh, well, if I want to inspire him with my feminine energy, I need to know how to, you know, what's the first step on how to do it?" So yeah, I would love to start talking about that. I think the only thing we pinned is how a man could embody more of his masculine energy. Of course, we can talk about that too.

Emma Viglucci: Yes, perfect. So either way, I think that what we're saying is like, just embody what's there more for you. Like we all have both masculine and feminine. But when we lean towards one, or we might have more of that energy. It might be oppressed, right? But just kind of owning the part that's more who we are, and how do we do it better? So whether it's the feminine or the masculine that we want to bring out more.

Valerie Greene: Yeah, and the question is, how do you know what is, you know? Because most of the masculine, feminine energy teachers talk about that we all have a core that's really authentic for us. Obviously, we're raised in a masculine culture. That's what the patriarchy is. That's what it means. But it's important to think about, for a romantic relationship, do you want to be the one who is mostly making the goals, making the plans, making the rules, managing the household, being the project manager and then having the other person be more of the supporter, enhancer role, who is more collaborative, who is not telling you what to do, who's doing more of the sensual feeling, intuitive, creative partner who maybe inspires you to have more fun? Is that what you want in an ideal relationship? Some women really want that. They want to be the masculine partner. They want to be the project manager at home and at work, and that's their personality. And then they choose to be with a guy who's a little bit more easygoing. And that's great. It's just important to know what you're choosing.

Or do you want to be swept off your feet if you're a woman? Where you're with a guy who's going to make the plans, and he's going to make the guidelines? You know, we're not going to necessarily say that he's going to make the rules for you to follow. But it's like, by default, he's the one that makes the policies. And then, of course, you can say if it doesn't feel right and what would feel better and collaborate. It's not just about blindly being submissive. But it's more like a partner dance. Do you want to be the one who's leading and making the moves, or do you want to be the one who's following and learning how to be in your body and following in a way that feels good, and be swept off your feet, and be twirled around, and kind of not be the one in control and know that just by expressing yourself with your feelings and your intuition and your open-hearted, into-me-see communication, which we're talking about, that then he'll change course so that you feel better? But it might not be the direction that you would choose. That's the thing about a partner dance. He might choose to take you in a different direction, but you get to have your desires, your feelings, your boundaries, and stop the dance if it doesn't feel good and say like ouch if he steps on your toes. You know what I mean? But he's going to choose to lead you in one turn versus another turn. And it's not up to you to be in your head going, "No, I wanted this other turn." Then you have to be the one leading, you know. So it's a choice. And the partner dance is a good analogy because it's like you can't have a partner dance. You can't dance salsa and have two leaders.

Emma Viglucci: Right. Yeah, I think that that's the tricky part. Because like, what if you want both, you know?

Valerie Greene: And I mean, I've also seen couples that want both and that have both. But you need to be explicit about it. You need to be with a guy, if you're a woman, who's very personal growth-oriented and you talk about masculine, feminine energy. Like me and my husband have that a little bit, you know. Where like, let's say he is just like, "I'm exhausted today. I can't be in the masculine role. I need you to make the decisions." Okay, I'll go into my masculine today so that you can then rest. And like, I think that it is really important that we have the ability to do that just because, like what I said in the beginning, if you can't make the plans and make goals and accomplish them, then you can't survive in this world. It's not like I'm saying that we need to only be in our feminine energy. It's just that if you're with a man who is more masculine energy, and he's acting either distant or defensive, then that's probably because he feels disrespected and inadequate with, you know, somebody else being in their masculine energy and butting heads.

Emma Viglucci: Yes, very good. Terrific. I love that distinction. So for those who are having a hard time in their relationship, then to take pause and to think, okay, how am I showing up? What am I creating? What kind of relationship do I want? And let me have a conversation with my partner about what energy are we. And I don't know how much of that people can do. Right? So just at least within oneself. Okay. What do I want? And how do I show up so I could invite, inspire the other side? Maybe we could go into that too in a second as well. You know, how do we go about this, making a choice, identifying for ourselves what we want, and then making a choice, having some parameters. Okay. I want this, and I want this. And maybe only this time and those times. And so then how do you bring that out in a relationship so your partner is not confused?

Valerie Greene: Right. Exactly. I mean, what I would say is, you know, I'm speaking to the women here. And we can of course talk about men how to be more in their masculine energy. I don't think you need to talk about it if you're the woman who wants to be more in your feminine energy. I don't think you need to talk about it with the guy. I don't think most masculine energy men even want to be talking about this. There's a wonderful book called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny, which I highly recommend, which talks about all of this. But they don't talk about it in terms of masculine, feminine energy. But they do talk about the biological differences between men and women and that men don't necessarily want to talk about feelings. They just want, you know, to feel inspired.

And so my tips for women if you want to be more in your feminine energy but you just don't know where to start are, first of all, look at what are all the responsibilities and goals that you have in your life, and how can you take one of them off your plate so you can make time to do something just for pleasure and enjoyment? And I know that even that, it's very difficult. Because, you know, most of us don't have any free time in this day and age. But if we're spending all of our time in goal-oriented activities, then that's masculine energy. So in order to be able to do something for feminine energy, maybe that's, you know, if you're used to lifting weights at the gym, take a Zumba class, or a dance class, or a yoga class one of those days. And if you don't like it, then look at what makes you not like it. And is it not liking slowing down and slowing down as a part of feminine energy? So that's the edge to the end too.

Emma Viglucci: Oh, I just got chills.

Valerie Greene: Because that's a big part of feminine energy. It's slowing down and looking at, do I base my self-worth on what I can accomplish? Because that's masculine. So that's the belief system, where on what does it mean to be worthy just for who I am? Because that's feminine. And that could be a whole, you know, lead to work with our beliefs. But in order to have enough feminine energy, we need to believe that we deserve to feel taken care of in some ways, that we don't have to do everything ourselves. And you know, what do we need to believe in order to feel deserving? And, you know, that's a whole another exploration that we probably don't have time for here. But that's the first thing to look at. It's the beliefs.

The second thing is about emotions, and how do we relate to our emotions? Because most of us look at our emotions in two ways. You know, we either, let's say we feel sad. Usually, we either suppress it by telling ourselves, like, we shouldn't feel that way. So how can we think differently in order to feel differently? Cognitive behavioral stuff, right? That's actually masculine, which is not bad. Like I said, masculine energy is really good. It's really good to think differently, to feel differently. That's a huge way of healthy coping so that we can get our work done. But that whole dynamic is masculine. And recognizing that there's a feminine way to relate to feelings, which is it takes more time. But that's what leads into-me-see so that we can then communicate our emotions with our partners, so that we can feel close and connected. Because that's actually what inspires a man to want to make us feel better. It's if we can communicate our feelings in a way that doesn't make him wrong.

So in that case, I would want to look at, how does this sensation of sadness feel in my body with compassion? There's nothing wrong with feeling sad. It feels like a heaviness in my chest and, let's say, a downward-pulling feeling. My eyes feel a little heavy. And what happens if I open my heart to that? And how would I be with a friend or a child who's feeling that way, is a really important question to ask to a gender compassion. Like, how would I be with her in a feminine way if I couldn't change the situation? Because changing the situation is masculine. Feminine is just opening your heart and giving compassion and empathy into the situation. And so just, "Oh my gosh. It's okay to feel that way. Let me give you a hug. What do you need?" You know, let's say, I'm sad because my mom is, you know, my mom is having a problem with her foot that's going on currently. So maybe that makes me feel sad. Because I care about her, and I don't want her to feel discomfort. But there's nothing I can do about it other than give her compassion and empathy.

And so I might look at my limiting belief. Like it's wrong for me to not have anything to do or whatever. But if I'm just not having limiting beliefs and I'm able to give her empathy and compassion, then I can feel closer to her because I'm feeling sad. And the research shows that if we're just able to feel a feeling without the negative story that is bad to feel that way, if you just feel the feeling for 90 seconds then it shifts and changes, and we actually get insight about how to be with that emotion. Like with sadness, it's about, what do I need to let go of? Oh, well, I need to let go of that she's going to be in perfect health the whole time, and just accept her the way she is now. And that when she's not feeling well, I'll feel sad about it. And we only get to feel sad when things aren't feeling well, because we feel grateful when they are feeling well. And we couldn't feel grateful when they aren't feeling well. And we didn't feel sad when they're not. And you know, it's that whole wisdom that comes from compassion that we're just allowing ourselves to feel our feelings. And then later if my husband asks how was my day, I get to share like, "Hey, my mom is having a problem with her foot. And I felt compassion for her. And I care about her, so I said that. And, you know, I feel sad. But it's okay because, you know, I get that that's just part of caring about her. It's feeling sad when she doesn't feel good." Then I feel closer to him because I've communicated my feeling. Versus, "Oh, I'm just fine. Everything is fine," which is masculine but then you don't have into-me-see.

Emma Viglucci: And that's the yumminess that partners might be missing, that partners that are feeling disconnected. The women who are complaining, "My partner doesn't care. My partner doesn't show me love. Where the hell is my partner?" They're not sharing this vulnerability. They're not sharing this emotional content. Right? Either they are blaming, criticizing, controlling, managing. Or "I'm fine," or, "I had a bad day. You got to take care of me." But that's directive, and that's masculine. That's complaining. That's like so many things there. They think they're being feminine in that request, but that's not a real request. Right? And so that's a part—

Valerie Greene: It is a request, but it's not going deep enough into feelings. It's telling him what to do.

Emma Viglucci: That's what I mean. Right.

Valerie Greene: You know, if we don't go deep enough into our feelings for the masculine partner, to feel touched by our feelings but we just say, "This is what I need you to do" — and doing is masculine — then he's going to feel controlled.

Emma Viglucci: Right. Yeah, "This is what I need you to do" is not a request. It's a demand.

Valerie Greene: Right. Right.

Emma Viglucci: That's very directive, right? So yeah, that's not very feminine.

Valerie Greene: That's really true. A request is staying in our circle as you teach. It's true.

Emma Viglucci: Yeah, request is a question, right? Or a gentle request. It's not a commanding directive thing, like, "Give me these things." It's more like, "Would you mind giving me this thing," right? Very different. So I love all the nuances of what you're sharing in terms of the feelings. Feelings are never wrong. Feelings are not positive or negative. Even the yucky ones, what we call yucky, are still good. They just carry information. They're here for us, right? When we touch into them, when we feel into them, when we allow ourselves to feel them and then share them, that's where the content for the connection is. We allow ourselves to be open-hearted, you're calling it. I call it vulnerable. It depends on who you're talking with. They have different names for this. But when you share that piece, that's the electricity for the connection part of it. That's the material, the food for the connection. If you're withdrawing, not sharing that, then what are you using to connect? There's nothing there. And so that's what we bring to the table. And I'm sharing that piece. And I'm saying that because I hear a bunch of different clients and just people saying like, "Gosh, I don't want to be talking about my feelings all the time." So if you're having a reaction — I want to say to the audience, if you're having a reaction to speaking in this way, you might be more of a masculine energy but maybe not so much yet. Maybe you're just still protected and guarded. Maybe we need to help you bring out this feminine part. And you could speak this way in a way that feels comfortable. You don't always have to be speaking this way. You could still be, if you use your masculine energy, when the time is appropriate for getting things done. We need both energies.

So to connect with your partner, you need to bring out more of the feminine. To get stuff done in life and work and everything else, you need more of your masculine. And so just making that distinction. And then how do you go into your feminine so that you can have that deeper, more meaningful interaction, connection with your partner? And more sexy stuff too. So we could get into that in a little while too.

Valerie Greene: Yeah, exactly.

Emma Viglucci: Yeah, anything that you want to comment on in terms of what I just said? Does it all feel in alignment with what we've said so far?

Valerie Greene: Well, yes, definitely. And, you know, in terms of if speaking about your feelings all the time doesn't sound authentic to you, then it's not about speaking about your feelings all the time if that's not authentic. But it is about, if something isn't working for you — there's two different ways to communicate about that. The masculine way, which is I want to change the situation. I want to make something happen. I'm going to tell him to do something or not do something. If that works, great. Keep doing it. If when you're doing that, he argues with you, or he gets distant and doesn't do what you want, then it's a question of strategically choosing a different strategy so that you can feel more taken care of.

Emma Viglucci: Excellent.

Valerie Greene: Because I've worked with a lot of women where they were over functioning. And they were managing the household, but they didn't want to be. But every time they told their husband to do something, he would say he would do it but then not do it unless she nagged him to do it. And so that's the situation that you're in. Then choosing to express your feelings in a way that's inspiring, that creates that into-me-see, is I've seen it change the dynamic. I've worked with a lot of women where, you know, they start out with saying, "My husband is lifting a finger unless I nag him." To recognizing that it's about having a conversation with him but not about masculine, feminine energy. About saying, "Hey, I know I've been telling you what to do. I imagine you feel disrespected by that." Because that's how they feel. That's how men feel. "Instead, I'm going to start sharing more of my feelings and desires. And what I need, when I do is for you to then collaborate with me and have conversations about how it could feel better. Are you able to do that? And usually, the man kind of is like, "What?" But then good news is, you know, because he needs to see what that looks like. But at least then, he'll be looking for something different. He usually doesn't know what to say. He's usually like, "Okay. I don't know what you mean, but I'll just try it."

That is what my free gift is about. I have a five-step formula that's like a template for how to communicate your feelings in a way that doesn't put a man on the defensive. It takes into account that men are likely to either want to solve the problem, which if you just want to feel heard, then that doesn't work. Or to get defensive because they think that when you share your feelings, you're making him wrong, you know. And that's why he'll get kind of passive aggressive. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah and then not do it. So the five steps are about how to share a positive intention or validate his positive intention so that he's not on the defensive. But then just from your own circle, share your feelings and your desires purely without making him wrong. And then asking him what he thinks are asking him. Can he solve the problem, or can he just listen to you or whatever? And you're being vulnerable. So that is what my free gift is about. So you know, I know that you'll post that below the show notes or below the video. And so, obviously, we can give more examples. But if you want a template that you can just fill out, then that's what my free gift is about.

Emma Viglucci: That was so beautiful. I love that. Exactly. Often, I hear things like, "Well, I was vulnerable. I share my feelings." They still get defensive. They still take it personally because they're being made wrong, right? So I just love that distinction there and the steps for, okay, so you're going to show the thing that's bothering you, or express your feelings behind it. And you're going to ask for a collaboration. What can be done without being directive about it, without telling them what to do, so you're inspiring them to show up for you? Beautiful. I love it.

Valerie Greene: Yes, exactly. I think it's important to understand that even if we don't make him wrong, if we're just cleanly sharing our feelings, like I feel really upset because we agreed that you'd take the trash out. And I just feel really upset that it isn't being done. Like, you're not technically making him wrong there. But that's the default. Because of our core vulnerabilities, we tend to feel like we're not loved if men are sharing their unpleasant feelings. Like if a man were to say that, we would tend to be scared that he doesn't love us. Men care about being loved, of course. But their core vulnerability is, they're doing it wrong. They're failing. And that's shame instead of hurt. Women feel hurt. Men feel ashamed. They're both very unpleasant feelings. But it's not like you're making him wrong.

If you just share your feelings without any kind of context, i.e., that you want to share your feelings in order to feel closer or in order to have him listen or in order to solve a problem, you know, then that's solution focused. Then he's not going to feel made wrong. But if you just blurt out your feelings, a lot of times, he'll feel made wrong. And that's very unfortunate. Because we're doing all this work to feel our feelings. And then if we say it and then he still gets defensive, then we don't have the bandwidth to do anything else different. Because we're already doing all this work to share our feelings rather than telling what to do.

Emma Viglucci: That's right. I love that. Very good. I love that validation for women. You're already working so hard, right? So I don't know how you're feeling. Just press them properly, do all these things. And you're already overworking. You're trying to get help, and you're doing all of this to do it right. And to still it not work, that just sucks. Right?

Valerie Greene: Yes, exactly. Then he's still going to be defensive? Like, screw it. This isn't worth it, you know. So that's why, okay, let me create this five-step formula that women can use so that they don't have to work so hard.

Emma Viglucci: I love that, Valerie. Terrific. Yeah, so we'll definitely have the link to that for people to access and to play with. That's so beautiful. Thank you for that. And I want to take away also to be that it doesn't have to be this hard, right? It doesn't have to feel like so much work. It doesn't feel like, "Oh, I'm going to be in therapy, or coaching, or on a program, or working towards making my relationship better forever." Or this is like, what? The energies. And I could just be saying everything right, and he's going to say that my energy is wrong. Like, "What? This is just too much." Right? And I've had people say that this shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be this hard. And it doesn't have to be that hard, right? It's just a matter of like, can you come to this space with an open heart, a vulnerability, a willingness, an intention? And sometimes that's good enough. And you could just share. You could even give the heads up. Listen, I might trip up, but this is my intention. This is what I would like to see happen. Like, I'm trying to be more vulnerable. I'm trying to share something different or whatever we want to, a little preface if we still have training wheels on. Right? So our partner knows that we're not coming at them or after them. And so anything you want to offer about that? How do we create some safety so while we're still learning how to practice our feminine energies so that we could inspire them more?

Valerie Greene: Yeah, I mean, I do think that along the spirit of being vulnerable, you know, and it is about the belief work within ourselves. Like I only feel safe to be vulnerable if I know that if he can't respond in a way that's supportive, that I'll then speak to myself in a supportive way, that I'll validate my own feelings. So it's about, you know, doing the inner work as well of cultivating the healthy mother archetype within us that can then suit our own feelings if he's having a bad day and, you know, not able to respond in a supportive way. So that's the first thing: to create safety, which I know that you teach people how to do. It's how to accept our own feelings.

But then there's ways to be vulnerable with him as well that create more safety. So I might say like, "Listen, like I am trying to get better at feeling my feelings and sharing my feelings. And I want you to know that when I share my feelings with you, I'm never trying to make you wrong. I'm always just trying to feel heard. But maybe if I do share my feelings with you, and then I'm scared that in the past when I said that I feel angry or sad, that your response in the past has been to try to talk me out of it. You shouldn't feel that way. And what happens when I receive that response is then I feel ashamed of feeling that way. So I'm not making him wrong for doing that. Like, saying I don't want you to do that, or I don't like when you do that is making him wrong. And that's kind of telling him not to do that to this masculine. Instead, I'm showing the impact. I'm saying, when I hear those words, like, I don't want you to feel that way, or don't feel that way. Then I feel judged for my feelings, or I feel like it's not okay for me to have those feelings.

So what would feel more safe knowing that I am expressing my feelings is just that when I say I'm scared or when I say I'm sad, for you to say, "Oh, I care that you feel that way. What do you need?" And would you be able to do that? Are you willing to do that? Would you be okay doing that? Because then I would feel more safe to share my feelings. What do you think about that? You know, so you're kind of like proposing. That's the difference between a request and then demand. Because a request is staying in your circle and saying, "Would you be okay doing this? What do you think?" So then if he's not okay, he gets to then choose a different thing. Maybe he doesn't want to respond that way. Or maybe he doesn't understand. Well, what's the point? What's the purpose of you sharing your feelings?

Emma Viglucci: Right. I don't want to hear your feelings.

Valerie Greene: Right. Then you would have to share that, you know, you're trying to be more in your feminine energy. So that instead of arguing, you're sharing your feelings. So that instead of telling him what to do, you're then sharing like, "Hey, this is how I feel. This is how I want to feel." And don't you think that that would feel better for him if you did it that way? And he would probably say, "Yes, it would feel better for me."

Emma Viglucci: Beautiful. Exactly.

Valerie Greene: I've never met a masculine energy man that doesn't feel better for him rather than his girlfriend or wife telling him what to do.

Emma Viglucci: Right. 100%.

Valerie Greene: But then if it does feel better to him, then I would say what I need to feel safe, sharing my feelings. It is to know that you're going to accept my feelings when I share them.

Emma Viglucci: Yes, 100%. And also, another way to selling this is to say, "So that we get along better. So we feel better together. So the household runs smoother. So we're not fighting all the time." Right? Those are all things that the guy would get.

Valerie Greene: Yes, exactly. Because they're always thinking, what's the point or what's the purpose?

Emma Viglucci: Exactly. Like, why? Why do I need to hear any of your feelings?

Valerie Greene: Right.

Emma Viglucci: "So we feel more connected." Why would I want to feel more connected? "So we get along." Oh, okay. So we're not fighting. Okay.

Valerie Greene: Yeah, exactly.

Emma Viglucci: But at the end of the day, just so that people don't feel silly about this and also so we're not so hard on guys, at the end of the day, the guys do want a harmony. They do want to please us. They do want to take care of us. That's part of their makeup. They do want to protect us. They want to be there for us, right? That's the whole purpose of being in a relationship. Otherwise, they don't have to be in a relationship, right? And so they do want those things at the end of the day also. So it's just a matter of like figuring out the way so that we have this beautiful flow between the two of us, and so that we could co-create that. So we know what do we need to do to create, and what do they need to do to create it? And we could invite that from them, inspire that from them, by the way that we are showing up, which gets lost in translation a lot of times. We feel we had to tell the guy what to do. And again, we're shooting ourselves on the foot. By the way that we're being, we're inviting it. And that's the magic right there.

Valerie Greene: Exactly. Yeah, men hate to be told what to do. But they want to make us feel good.

Emma Viglucci: Yes, very nice. Very nicely said. That's right.

Valerie Greene: We're not telling them what to do. But instead, we're being like, "Hmm, this is how I feel. This is how I want to feel. What do you think? What are your suggestions?" Then all of a sudden, he'll come in and solve the problem.

Emma Viglucci: Right. Give him a problem to solve. How can we make this happen? How do I feel good?

Valerie Greene: And, you know, it might sound like we're not being authentic. But that's why it's important to ask yourself what kind of relationship would make me feel fulfilled. Because a lot of what we think as authentic is just our programming from childhood. It's our habits of what we're used to doing.

Emma Viglucci: That's right.

Valerie Greene: So I think that's what's important. It's to ask ourselves, how do I want to feel? What dynamic do I want to be in? And it's going to feel uncomfortable as I'm learning new skills. But that doesn't mean it's not authentic.

Emma Viglucci: Very nice. Very nice. This has been an amazing conversation. Any last-minute thoughts you want to add in there? And then I have a special request.

Valerie Greene: Yes, of course. So I mean, we did bookmark how men could be more in their masculine energy. I mean, you know, because I know I've spoken mostly to women here. And that is because I think that it's a little bit more complicated for men to own their masculine energy more. Because we live in such a patriarchal culture that if a man wants his woman to be more feminine, then he needs to step off and be more masculine. But that doesn't guarantee that she'll be more feminine, because she might have all this cultural programming that she needs to do all this work and solve the problems. And so it's a little bit more complicated to shift the dynamic from the man side using feminine, masculine energy rather than the woman side, which is why I've been speaking to women.

But just in a nutshell, if a man wants his woman to share her feelings more and to tell him what to do less, then it would be about having a conversation with her to say, "Listen, I know the reason why you try to tell me what to do is just because I have been busy, and I've been forgetting to take the trash out or whatever. But when you tell me what to do, I feel controlled. And so what I would prefer is if you share your feelings. But what I'm going to try, what I'm going to do more of is to tell you I feel controlled. This is how I want it and stuff." It's about, like, being very deliberate about communicating the impact but in an empowered way, not a vulnerable way. Because vulnerability is feminine in terms of masculine, feminine energy. Vulnerability is, I'm going to share my feelings with an open heart so that I can be changed, so that I don't necessarily get what I want but I get what I need. I could get hurt, but if I share that with compassion, then, you know, well, I trust that he cares that I feel hurt.

So masculine energy is about being goal-oriented and making the plans and solving the problems. Say, "Hey, I'm going to take you out on a date, and I'm going to make the plans. And all you have to do is show up and look pretty." Or, "You know that vacation you want to go on? You tell me the important things you want to experience in all planet, and I'll take care of all the details." If a woman feels swept off her feet, then she's going to be more motivated to share her feelings and be in her feminine energy. Than if you say, like so it's about taking care more of the logistical details and then telling her that you feel controlled or criticized or managed when she tells you what to do, and that you feel more inspired when she shares her feelings instead. But then you have to be stepping up and doing things that make her feel swept off her feet in order to inspire her to share more of her feelings. So that's more of the, it's a little more complicated from this.

Emma Viglucci: Well, you know what? I would make that a little simpler or like a starter point also. I love what you said so that guys don't feel like, "Oh, my gosh. It's too complicated for me." I would say that, first, if you made a commitment, honor it. Right? It's a space. Start with the basics. Like if you made a promise, keep it, you know. Keep your word. She's been complaining about the garbage, and you feel like she's micromanaging you. How about you just step up and take care of it. Right? And then if it feels like you can't really communicate the feelings, or she might not receive your feelings, or if you don't want to share the impact yet, start with the very basics. Start honoring your promises and your commitments. Or ask her, okay, what would you like? What would make you really happy? And keep your word no matter what. Right? Start with the very basics, and then you could deepen into all of that. Then you can start sharing how it makes you feel when she's directive, or micromanaging, or nagging. Then you could go to the feelings or what you would prefer differently.

So it goes both ways, right? Like we both got to do our side. Right? And so that was just so beautiful, the different ways of offering. You know, it could be complicated. But we don't have to make it complicated.

Valerie Greene: Right. Exactly, yeah. No, I agree. If it's too complicated to start, you know, doing more than I agree — because I think the reason why a lot of masculine energy men don't do what they say they're going to do if they feel nagged or controlled or criticized is just because they feel disrespected. And so they're not going to necessarily shift doing it unless they're communicating. "Hey, I feel disrespected with the way it's been communicated. I'll do it, but I need to be communicated differently."

Emma Viglucci: That's fair.

Valerie Greene: That's like a masculine way of saying it.

Emma Viglucci: Yeah, sure. That's fair. Very good. Thank you. So good. So last minute thing. Ready?

Valerie Greene: Yes.

Emma Viglucci: What about — I mean, I could have a conversation with you for like another 100 million hours just because I love this topic as you know. And you and I have amazing conversations all the time, so we could keep talking forever. But this is getting long. So last thing that I would like to offer our audience. Because this is going to come out right around the time of Thanksgiving, any thoughts around being generous, or being appreciative, or grateful for both genders or for both energies, I should say. Any thoughts about that?

Valerie Greene: Yes, yes, yes. So the first thing I shared about getting more in your feminine energy, I think, is really important. Because in order to feel gratitude and express it, we need to be not just accomplishing things. And it's really hard around Thanksgiving especially, if the beginning of the holiday season we want to buy things on sale on Black Friday, and we're thinking about our lists. We need to clean and cook for the whole family. That's masculine because it's about accomplishing a goal. And so it's even more important, if we want to authentically feel gratitude around this time, to make even five minutes a day just for our own pleasure.

Emma Viglucci: That's so good.

Valerie Greene: Things like going outside and looking at flowers, or nature, or trees, or getting a little bit of a sunshine, or listening to a song that really touches you deeply, you know, et cetera. But asking yourself, what really gives me pleasure? Because we can't really feel gratitude unless we're taking time out for ourselves on a daily basis. So once we do that, then we can ask ourselves, what am I grateful for, and how can I experience or express that? But we can't do that unless we're taking even a little bit of time out to do something that authentically makes us feel grateful. Because I'm not a big fan of those gratitude lists that you're writing down because you should. Because that's all mental. It's like, okay, I have a roof over my head. I'm grateful that I have friends and family, blah, blah, blah. Like, I agree with that. But it's all intellectual. In order to actually feel it, we need to be feeling some kind of pleasure, you know, even if it's five minutes. So that's my first suggestion.

And then what I want to say is, most of what actually creates happiness, you know that Harvard study over 80 years found was the quality of our relationships. And one of the things in that study that they highlighted the most is that relationships take time. That it's the people that took the most time in their 50s to nurture and nourish the relationships they already had that then still had fulfilling relationships in their 80s, which is what helped people healthy as they age. It's the quality of their relationships. And so, especially Thanksgiving and the holiday season, that is the intention. It's to feel like we're nurturing the closeness of our relationships. And so having that as the intention, that motivates you to then do the work to share my feelings, so I have a little bit more into-me-see.

Emma Viglucci: I love it. That was so gorgeous. Thank you so much. That was icing on the cake.

Valerie Greene: Oh, good. I know it's not easy but like, hopefully, that's the motivation, you know. And the holidays are more busy. But also, they have that as the built-in motivation. So, you know.

Emma Viglucci: Yes, 100%. So, so good. Oh, my gosh, Valerie. You are a gift to couples. I love this information so much. I could eat it up with a spoon for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It's so delicious. So if you're open to it, it makes a difference. And so I want to bring this more. And you're fabulous with this topic. So thank you so very much for being here with me today.

Valerie Greene: Yes, of course. It's always a pleasure. And, you know, of course, I know that you have all these tools and skills yourself, you know. So I appreciate you interviewing me as well.

Emma Viglucci: Thank you. Thank you, thank you for agreeing. And I will see you around in all of our things. And thank you again for being here. I really appreciate you.

Valerie Greene: Yeah.

Emma Viglucci: And to the audience, until the next one. Bye.

 

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Emma K Viglucci, LMFT

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