Clear Unhealthy Relationship Habits and Create a Shared Relationship Vision w/ Victoria Sotelo (Ep.30)

In today’s episode, Emma has a delightful and empowering conversation with Victoria Sotelo, also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, about how to create a healthy, harmonious, and honoring ebb and flow in our long-term relationship with our Partner.  

We discuss: how to repair when things get off track, what might get us off track and roadblocks that disrupt our connection, how to get unstuck, the importance of identifying our core needs and operating from our values, and activating a positive approach and state of being to show up compassionately and lovingly in our relationship. But as if that wasn’t wonderful enough, we discussed how to create a Relationship Vision and how to nurture the relationship during the holidays! 

Hope you enjoy it!  

*Visit the Episode’s Page for the Video, related article, info about the guest, other resources AND to get our FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!  

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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.

Chapters

• 6:03 Expectations, The Ebb And Flow Of Harmony And Disharmony, And The Steps To Repair
• 20:23 Roadblocks That Get Couples And How They Get Stuck
• 35:25 Empowering Ourselves And How To Get Unstuck
• 51:12 Identifying And Using Core Needs And Values For Guidance
• 58:56 Creating A Relationship Vision, Statement And Focus Term
• 1:05:54 Activations And Reprogramming Ourselves To Shift
• 1:07:37 How To Create Harmonious And Enriching Holidays With Our Partner

Transcript

Emma Viglucci: 0:34

Hello, lovelies, welcome to another episode. I am so excited for today's topic and guests. I have Victoria Sotelo with us to talk about the relationship, harmony and how to create your dream relationship. We talk about how to set proper expectations, how to work with creating harmony, what to do when there is disharmony, how to repair and what might be some things that nowadays and the culture and life that we live, this modern life, what might be some things that create roadblocks for couples, that create disconnect, and what might those be. And then we address how to identify core needs, core values and then from there create a relationship vision that can guide your intentions and investments and habits and lifestyle that you set up for yourselves going forward, so that you can create what you want and what you desire and what you dream of. We also talk about how to reprogram parts and your mindset and your approach and your experience so that you get out of your own way and you don't contribute to the stuckness or you rather stop contributing to the stuckness, I should say so that you can then put in the good stuff and create what you desire. So we do activations around that and just know that the whole conversation is an activation, just what we talk about will help you shift and up-level your mindset and your approach to yourself and your relationship. We talk about self-regulation, personal accountability and responsibility, so that we are empowered in how we show up to our relationship and create the changes that we are desiring. We also talk about how to do the holidays, how to approach the holidays from a beautiful mindset, so that we actually experience them better and we take away what we desire from the holidays, which is more connection and more love and just more yumminess, not just the materials. So we talk about how to go about that and how to set ourselves up for a beautiful 2025. And stay tuned, you're in for a treat.

Emma Viglucci: 2:47

Let me re-read her bio and then we'll say hello to Victoria. Victoria Sotelo brings a heart of compassion and passionate energy for cultivating healthy marriages and sexual intimacy to her clients. She practices from an integrative model incorporating the biopsychosocial and spiritual aspects of her clients' lives. Her excellent listening skills and problem-solving methods, along with her clinical experience, position her as a therapist with a balanced approach. Victoria holds a license in marriage and family therapy in New York, new Jersey and Florida. Without further ado, let's say hello to Victoria. Hello, victoria, so excited to have you here with us today.

Victoria Sotelo: 3:32

Yes, I'm very excited to be here and engage in this conversation with you, Emma. It's a privilege to be on this podcast and get to chat with you and your guest.

Emma Viglucci: 3:43

I am super excited for this topic and just because we had conversations about this already, you and I, and even before we started recording your language and your take on the work with couples is so lovely.

Emma Viglucci: 3:59

So I'm really looking forward for our audience to benefit from your wisdom, your lights, your love. I think that's going to be a really enriching conversation, and what I'm really looking forward to is that we're going to have a conversation about things that we want to offer our audience. But what's going to be really cool that I'm looking forward to is that we're going to implement a little bit of an activation here, a little bit of like an experiential piece, which I normally don't do. So that's going to be so fun. I'm really looking forward to that. So just a little heads up to the audience with this is stay open, because as you listen to these words, you will feel the shift in and of itself, without even you having to do that much. So this is going to be a spectacular for you and for Victoria and I too, because as we do this, we activate ourselves, so it's going to be so good.

Victoria Sotelo: 4:51

Yeah, it's exciting, look, I mean we all listen to lots of podcasts. We are constantly getting data brought into our lives through many different vehicles and I think it's so important that we use some of the time when we're listening to a podcast to just reflect. So I want to give your listeners an opportunity to do that. I know that as time has gone on, especially over the last decade, I've learned how to pause even right in the middle of a podcast. I've learned how to pause even right in the middle of a podcast. Sometimes I may not even finish the whole podcast in that moment, because I want to really hold on to a piece of information and let it digest. So we want to give your listeners an opportunity to do that today, as we talk about healthy relationships.

Emma Viglucci: 5:33

Oh, I love that. Yes, I call that percolating. Percolating, yeah, this pause thing and just taking it in and be like, ooh, what is that doing, right? So, yes, so good. I'm so excited for that. Well, so why don't we start with from your opinion and your experience? Because, as we know, you're a marriage and family therapist as well, you specialize in working with couples as well, and you know relationships intimately and, of course, professionally. So, from your take, what does a healthy relationship look like?

Victoria Sotelo: 6:03

Yeah, I think it's really important that we have healthy expectations for what relationships are going to look like.

Victoria Sotelo: 6:10

We live in a world again where so many relationships are scripted. You know we're watching most of these relationships through Netflix and Hulu and all these other vehicles and we have professional people writing scripts for people, so we have an expectation that that's kind of how our conversations are going to go with our spouses, with our children, with our family and friends. A healthy relationship looks like harmony, disharmony and repair, and what I mean by that is you're going to have seasons and phases where you feel really harmonious and connected and synchronized. There's going to be times and they can be daily, weekly, monthly, maybe months go by before you feel that disharmony phase in your relationship and you want to know how to get back, how to get to the repair part so that you don't disrupt the entire foundation of the relationship. So a healthy relationship has those three characteristics in it. They don't look perfect, they sometimes are messy, but you're really persevering for your own growth in the relationship with this other person or people.

Emma Viglucci: 7:19

Yes. So a couple of things just from what you said so far. You know, I love the observation that professionals are writing the scripts in the movies and in the shows and they're so prescribed. And even I dare say that sometimes when we do some skills in therapy, it feels prescribed right. So sometimes clients are like who talks like that, right? But so what I usually like to say is, when we're in therapy, that this is just from where you're in conflict or about to get into conflict. To be preventative, you don't have to talk like this all the time. And the prescription it sounds prescribed at this moment because you're learning a tool, but then you can make it a lot more organic as you go. Right, you don't even know you're using a tool. So that's point aside. But, yes, the scripted scripts in the movies and in the shows.

Emma Viglucci: 8:10

And I will add that we are taking and I'm throwing myself on the bandwagon, we're taking advice from people who are even not professionals, like YouTube, right, people are just like this is what you should do for your relationship and it's like where is that stuff coming from? Like some of it is a little off right. So I'm loving what you're presenting right now, that nothing is perfect. There is harmony. There's harmony and repair. I love that we could get into that in a second.

Emma Viglucci: 8:42

That, yes, everybody will go through the ebbs and flows. So right now, people who are listening might be struggling and people who are not struggling might be listening also. Did I say that right? And so, regardless what state of life people or what season of life people are in, they will still find benefit here, because we all go through ups and downs and if we're doing this today, we might find a little bump in the road, and if you're in the bump in the road right now, you can't get back up. It doesn't mean that you had to throw out the baby with the bath water. Yes, fabulous.

Victoria Sotelo: 9:08

Yeah, yeah, really essential. Look what we're going to be talking about from a professional and clinical lens. Many of our shared colleagues in the field peers that we really respect have talked about this type of thing, and I'm not the originator of all of these terms that we're going to hear. Where I have the opportunity and recall, I love to resource people. So that specific idea, I know Terry real talks about it. He got it from Pia Melody years back and it's a great idea. I like to think of it. When you stand in front of the ocean, in the water, you know you can stand at the wake of the ocean, right at where the tide's coming in, and you can be standing there steady and all of a sudden a bigger wave than you were expecting could show up and all of a sudden you're like we've all had this experience At least I know I have where you just fall into the water, you know, or or are losing your sense of balance.

Victoria Sotelo: 10:03

So this is kind of the concept of harmony, disharmony repair. There are times where you really feel like where is my sense of balance in regards to this relationship and how do I even hold on to my sense of self in the presence of these other people? So a healthy relationship is where you're practicing that, you're building what we call muscle memory in that, and this isn't something you're going to check off a box. You got it today. You're never going to have to deal with it again.

Victoria Sotelo: 10:31

This is a lifetime journey of learning how because certain relationships they really wound us and they go right to our core desires that we have, and so when that happens, it's really hard to stay steady. Even if you're a professional and you have years of training and experience, you're not always going to pick up that beautiful tool of reflective listening when you're in the middle of a fight, right. So when you're triggered, where you're triggered. So you know, even in my 28 year marriage, I have to learn how to quiet my mind and calm my heart and remind myself of truth so that I can stay present. So, yeah, it's really important that we level our expectations.

Victoria Sotelo: 11:12

What is healthy. We don't want to catastrophize every problem. When a problem shows up repeatedly, there could be a pattern there that we need to address. But we don't want to think that just because a part of the relationship is suffering and struggling, that the whole thing is now destroyed. So that's really what I want you to think about when you're thinking about health that hey look, I could even look really beautiful and healthy and put together on the outside and I could go and get a radiology scan and find out there's a growth or a tumor that I had known, known, known information about, and I wouldn't want to get rid of my whole body because of that. I would want to address that problem.

Victoria Sotelo: 11:54

So we want to kind of think about it like that when you're in a relationship and you keep kind of crashing up with the same pattern, you want to step back and get perspective, and that's what we hope is going to happen as we continue to talk.

Emma Viglucci: 12:08

I love it. I love both analogies about the ocean and about the radio scan. I was going to say blood, check out your blood. But you might look beautiful and healthy, but your blood is a disaster. You have cholesterol, you have all the things but a tumor. I love that because, yeah, we could cut out the tumor. It doesn't mean that you throw your whole body away.

Emma Viglucci: 12:26

I love that so good. So can you say a little bit more about what harmony might look like? What does harmony might look like in repair? Just quick highlight, yeah, so.

Victoria Sotelo: 12:35

I think harmony is especially in a relationship where you're invested long-term I'm thinking about long-term relationships. You're really looking at your core values. Right, in your core values you're going to find the places of harmony with one another and you're thinking about many different things, right? We practice with a family systems systemic lens and that lens says let's look at you biologically, what's happening in your body, psychologically, socially, spiritually, what's going on in the course of your life? And so there's going to be core values that you have developmentally at different seasons of your life. Right, I'm at a phase in life where I've raised three children and my whole body's going through lots of different changes, right? So this is a new phase of life where I don't have to attend to the same needs that I used to. I want to know what I value, not just externally but internally. So harmony looks like finding connection in relationship. It also looks like how I steady and hold on to myself when that connection is not present. That's also harmony, yes, okay, so you have a different of opinion. We're all living with big, strong, polarizing ideas in our culture, and how do I stay connected when I might not agree, specifically about a topic? That can be harmony? Right.

Victoria Sotelo: 14:08

Disharmony can be something as simple as you ask a little request in your home and nobody responds. You know you don't get your need met. You don't get your need met at all, or you don't get it met in the way you wanted, or you get it met and somehow it's just rote and robotic. There's no real emotional connection there. That can feel like disharmony.

Victoria Sotelo: 14:32

Disharmony can also feel like wanting another child and your spouse is a strong no right. It can feel like you think investing here is wise and they don't want to spend another penny, you know. So this harmony can show it. Can we're taught? You know the holidays are here and upon us. It can look like going and showing up in your family of origin, a home, and reverting right back to those behaviors and habits that you thought you had healed from and that can feel like disharmony in that moment. And repair looks like, first and foremost, getting perspective with yourself. So making sure you're responsible for how you think, feel and behave and you're owning that. You're not putting that on someone else. You're noticing what your thoughts, feelings and behaviors are triggering within you and then, once you have some clarity about that right and you know what, what you want to communicate, you're communicating. If you go to make the repair while you're angry, while you haven't resolved what is really causing that pain, you're going to find the conversation quite explosive and unproductive.

Emma Viglucci: 15:48

I love that last piece. First of all, I love all of it. I love the examples and the description of harmony and disharmony. Yes, I think that a lot of people will resonate with all of that, that they could find themselves in those examples and the piece so good. I mean, I teach this all the time, like day, like session after session, after hour after hour, daily, with clients. Uh, when we're in sessions that don't have the conversation while you're triggered, it's not gonna work. All the skills that you have, they're not gonna. They're gonna be like well, forget this skill, stupid, it doesn't work. It works when you use it properly, not in the moment that you're. They're not going to, they're going to be like well, forget this skill, stupid, it doesn't work. It works when you use it properly, not in the moment that you're hot. It doesn't work when you're hot, right.

Emma Viglucci: 16:24

So I love what you said about that and, but more importantly, how you said that your thoughts, your feelings and your actions are triggering you, because a lot of times, how easy it is to blame our partner, like you're triggering me. Yeah, right, yeah, are they really triggering you? You're making assumptions about what they're saying. You're signing motives. You have your belief system around that. You're signing it, meaning right, it's all internal. I also like to say things like the relationship is happening in your head. You're having a relationship with your partner in your head, and so I love that. Right, take a chill pill, check out for yourself what's happening and then, once you have a hand on it, then go talk.

Victoria Sotelo: 17:02

Yeah, there's a really beautiful piece that we can think about, right, when we're thinking clinically, we call this differentiation, and in clinical terms, differentiation is learning how to really stay connected to who you are distinctly and also stay connected to others. There's a lot of talk in culture around setting boundaries, right and, or the opposite of that. Hey, I had to get rid of all the toxic humans in my life, kind of thing, right and? And look, some of us may have to go live on Mars if we do that kind of thing. But. But really healthy differentiation is when we have a solid sense of ourselves, taken from our core values. We have a flexible sense of ourselves, meaning we can learn how to be in relationship with others, even if those others have different thoughts, feelings and behaviors than us, and we don't lose our sense of self. And in order to do that, we have to quiet our mind and calm our heart. So that's, that's self-talk and breathing. We have to figure out how not to overreact to other people's overreactions and then we need to learn how to persevere for the growth that's going to come in healthy relationship. So what you know what I'm talking about when I talk about that repair piece and taking responsibility.

Victoria Sotelo: 18:21

I think it was actually Pia Melody who came out with these little questions. Right, this is what I observed. This is what I tell myself about what I observed. Right, my friend walked in the door and walked straight to the television instead of saying hi to me. What I told myself is they're a real jerk and they're really so selfish and all they cared about was going to see their show that they were rushing to see, and how that made you feel, or how that made the person feel.

Victoria Sotelo: 18:49

You build a whole narrative. Like you said, you have your own relationship in your mind with this other person that they may or may not even know about, and so it's really important, one of the one of the most critical things. Actually, if this is the only thing the listeners took away, it would be really powerful that you really start to take responsibility and say this to yourself hey look, I'm the only person 100% responsible for how I think, feel and behave. The only person 100% responsible for how I think, feel and behave. Yeah, I mean to me.

Victoria Sotelo: 19:26

When I really learned to tap into that truth for myself, I started paying attention to all the times I would say things like you make me, yeah, and we we all can get caught up in speaking that way, and that language tends to be language that wants to find the blame outside of ourself for what we're experiencing. And this is not to say that other people don't impact or influence us, because when you're being mindful of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you are also noticing the impact that your thoughts, feelings and behaviors have on other people. You know, no man's an island, so you're taking that into consideration.

Emma Viglucci: 20:03

Yeah, and when the others have an impact on us, we could discern how much of an impact we allow that to have. Is it something that we want to take on, or is it something that we need to soothe or regulate and address and do whatever we have to do with it? So for sure, we are in charge of ourselves. We're the masters of our own selves, yeah, the bosses of ourselves, or whatever we want to call them. Yeah, so good. So then, what might be some things you think that trip up couples, like roadblocks or unhealthy habits? So some things that couples. They might be fine, they're on the high in the relationship and all of a sudden that wave came. Like what might those things be?

Victoria Sotelo: 20:40

Yeah, I mean, look, these are so uh, varied, it depends, you know, they're so specific to relationships, but we know some strong ones, right? Yeah, we know that couples are really conflicted, uh, with phone and social media use. It's become a huge topic. Um, I, I face it day in and day out where couples don't know how to get the attention of their partner. They're really struggling to know, hey, is my partner looking at their phone because they are engaged in something important, or have I just become the 10th item of value to them in their life right now? And their YouTube videos are more important, you know. Or their cat, you know.

Victoria Sotelo: 21:22

So you really are struggling with something that basic these days in relationships where you're really not sure how to unplug to stay connected.

Victoria Sotelo: 21:32

That can, that can trigger lots of people, because what that does is it starts to trigger this core need that we have to just be chosen and included. It's a very natural thing that we want to be chosen and valued and included in the people's lives that we love. So that can become a big roadblock. A big roadblock can be busyness City like New York. I say, look, we're a city on steroids. And if you're not doing and if you're not engaging and if you're not accomplishing, then who exactly are you in our city, right? And so just the busy life, the hurried life, can become a major distraction in relationships. Of course, those big topics like finances and family and whether there is healthy sexual connection or touch in the relationship or not, those can become really problematic in relationships. I would say that the fourth huge one that we're faced with regularly, if you have children in your home, is parenting. Parenting and how you parent and the expectations you have poured out onto your children or child, we can really just start to trigger all sorts of challenges for the couple.

Emma Viglucci: 22:52

Dynamic and really create a lot of disharmony. Yeah, so good. I love all of those. So, the social media thing and the phone, oh my goodness, that comes up in most of the conversations. So, a hundred percent. And then, socially, what are we engaged with? What are the people in our lives? How busy are we? What are we involved in? Yes, even though we believe our partners are top priority, the way that we operate, we operate as if they are at the bottom of the priority list, right? So that's the thing. And then this last thing that you said what was it? It was my train of thought. The children, my goodness. Yeah, so you know what's really interesting.

Emma Viglucci: 23:30

A lot of couples feel like they they want to have another child to feel more connected. Yeah, no, that is not going to help you feel more connected. You might feel like all this love for this child, but it's going to take a toll on your relationship because your attention and your focus and your energy is going to be even additionally split. So that's a challenge that I don't agree with. That take, it sounds like you might, the way that you're looking, you might, you might actually agree with that.

Victoria Sotelo: 23:55

well, well, I haven't, I have a, I agree with you. I agree that that Well, I haven't. I have a, I agree with you. I agree that that is definitely a strong thought that when a couple is feeling that disharmony, they can look to either bringing a child into their life or focusing all their attention on their children to try to get to the harmony or to somehow diffuse that feeling of disrepair that they're in with their spouse, and so they begin to really pour into this other person or people that are going to reward them emotionally, and children can do that for a certain amount of time.

Victoria Sotelo: 24:30

So, yeah, I think that can happen. I do see, on the flip side, though, I do definitely see that many times in a couple dynamic, a child can be a beautiful place of finding harmony, because there are some I've seen some incredible couples parents so brilliantly and they still have some really sad and painful places of disconnection in their own relationship but they have some really good core common goals for their children and so they can focus on that and that can help strengthen a part of their relationship that's interesting, yeah, so I agree with that.

Emma Viglucci: 25:06

I think that if the partners are feeling disconnected, that's challenging, yeah, but of course it might stabilize the home because they have to focus the energies on the child. I get that and I also understand that if your emotional needs are not being met and if your affection needs are not being met, that you might get those met through your children or you focus on on taking care of the children. Therefore, then it might bring some harmony to the home. But I don't know, it's unstable. I don't know that I would put all my eggs in that basket to work on the relationship, to focus on the children. That feels backwards to me. But I get that we might stabilize things if we focus on something else as opposed to the discord, but you're not working on the relationship.

Victoria Sotelo: 25:48

So no, yeah, I think the way that. Um, if someone is in a situation where they really see no, no point of connection, I'm thinking about that person, that person who's listening, who's saying I can't find it. It's so cloudy and murky in my dynamic with my spouse I don't know where that point of connection is. Sometimes they can find a small amount of beautiful common ground in the love that they share for their child. To put all of the eggs in that basket would actually be so unhealthy, not only for the couple but also for the children. Exactly Right.

Victoria Sotelo: 26:23

And the other main roadblock I think we're really facing today in our lives is our own negative, ruminating thoughts. You know that is a place of an internal mindset that can become a huge roadblock to health, even if the other relationships are starting to shift shift and there are some changes if we're trapped in negative or ruminating, toxic thoughts, continuing to replay a past bad experience, continuing, whenever there's a fight in the here and now, to pull that thing that happened a year or five years ago. I mean, we've all been guilty of it if you've been in 10 years ago more right.

Victoria Sotelo: 27:04

To continue to do that and kind of kitchen sink it or pile it all up can really become a pattern of an unhealthy relationship dynamic. So that's another roadblock that we can face.

Emma Viglucci: 27:18

Yeah, so good. You know, and I'm going to add to that something that I use a lot in my writing and conversations and in sessions is the negativity bias. Yes, where we just look for all the junk, we focus on the things that we don't like, the things that annoy us, all the negativity stuff. So not only ruminating on things that have been hanging from before or traumas, hurts, fights, unresolved things, but also in the moment, which is pick, pick, pick, pick, and we look for all the bad things Like why are we doing that? We, which is pick, pick, pick, pick, and we look for all the bad things Like why are we doing that?

Emma Viglucci: 27:49

We're not perfect. If you're looking for something, you will find. If you're looking for problems, issues, annoyances, you will find them, because nobody's perfect. Don't look for that. Look for the awesomeness your partner's trying, your partner's devoted to you, your partner wants to do right by you.

Victoria Sotelo: 28:04

The confirmation bias is huge, right, we all live with this kind of confirmation bias and look, I wish I had the magic wand that could say hey, I don't know why. Unfortunately, we have a five to one ratio where we really need five positive connecting points to discredit or discount within us at times these negative words and ideas that we have experienced or been a part of in our life. But we do. We need that. So what we have found, over and over research-based right, science-based research shows that when you are generous with your positive thoughts, when you're generous with your gratitude for another person, if you can only find the smallest external thing hey, thank you for getting my coffee. Thank you that when I ran out of you know milk, it was there the next day and I didn't ask you. Thank you for that.

Victoria Sotelo: 29:00

Sometimes that's all you can be thankful for. There's nothing deeper to be thankful for. In a certain moment, you're too blocked. You start wherever you're at and you begin to sit even just for one moment before you put your feet on the ground in the morning and just find one thing to be thankful for my. You know, I have a Jewish friend who's very involved in his faith and he has let me hear some of his prayers that he reads and he says he had. They have in their prayer book a morning prayer. Before they ever get out of bed they have a morning prayer where they just say to God, thank you that my soul is alive still and my breath is in me still, kind of thing. And I was so, yeah, I was actually like wow, kind of thing.

Emma Viglucci: 29:49

And I was so, yeah, I was actually like, wow, what a beautiful thought to crystallize. Beautiful, yeah, so good. You know, all of that is so pretty and just for the listeners in terms of that appreciation. And, yes, we might have a negativity bias where we focus on all the negative things and then we have a confirmation bias where we look to confirm. I'm like you know, my partner sucks, let me go confirm it. So we have all these biases, right.

Emma Viglucci: 30:12

But so to reprogram, to help reprogram that, I had an integration experience that went out last month and just some other content around this just expanding the appreciation and the gratitude practice, appreciating the differences, why they are good, right. So there's all kinds of things about that in the podcast, on the blog, on our membership site. Just look for those. If you're looking to my partner's really getting on my nerves, there's nothing to appreciate. If you're feeling like that or like you know, gosh, we're doing all the things right, we want to take it to the next level, I don't know how. I just need a little pick me up. This integration experience will rock your world and it will help you expand with the three different levels of appreciation where you could look for what we're talking about here, that depth. So you could shift the energy, you could shift the focus, you could shift the mindset that will revive those loving vibes. So go check it out if you're interested.

Victoria Sotelo: 31:08

Yeah, I love that. I love that you're putting this out here to engage in this gratitude practice. It's beautiful and sometimes we're looking for something so profound in our current culture, but really the basics work. They work really well. What I have found as I've been creating these practices of gratitude, paying attention every day to where I can say thank you to my husband, to my children you know, the confirmation bias starts working on the other side where now I can confirm with lots of data these are beautiful, good, lovely people. Right, they have. And I love. I love what you said about you know, even stretching your mind to, to pull back and say we are different here. How could this help? I actually have a really practical point that helped. That helped me when I did that.

Victoria Sotelo: 32:07

My husband and I are quite different human beings. I'm Greek and Italian, born in New York, big family. He's Colombian. We're both really passionate people, but he's more of an introvert and I talk to think a lot of times right, and so for years I couldn't really get like his kind of.

Victoria Sotelo: 32:29

He was so much more hard to penetrate and I thought that was a negative thing. For a long time I thought, wow, like I can't get through to him. Sometimes I don't know how to do it, but what I learned over time, especially being in a city like New York, is he's brilliant, he's a, he's a first responder, he is able to show up because he has this kind of strong layer. It helps him in his life and he's taught me to be able to not let every single emotion come in and go out. And I now appreciate it. Right now I say to him wow, you're, you're so amazing that you're able to do that. Can I learn from you? It used to bother me because I felt like it was the place I couldn't reach him, but once I started to appreciate it, then it was something I could love about him.

Emma Viglucci: 33:20

That's so good. Yes, I could totally relate Ditto. I should say Because I'm the passionate one, I'm the outgoing one.

Emma Viglucci: 33:27

I'm say, because I'm the passionate one, I'm the outgoing one, I'm like la, la, la, you know, and my husband is so even keel stoic, you know, like, like solid, he's the rock, you know, and, and you're right. So we've been together for a very long time as well, like over 30 years, and so initially it was like hello, anybody at home. You know, like I take offense to that. Like you know, like I take offense to that, like you know that's even care. You know, like this kind of things when you're young and immature and you don't know better. But over the years that quality has really helped him in his own personal life and professional life and I lean on that.

Emma Viglucci: 33:57

That is such a strength, right, and if I'm being wobbly and like emotional and up and down or whatever that helps me kind of even kill myself, like I, I could be a lot more sturdy now, like you know, a few years ago, and if you get it 30 years ago, if you get it right, crazy, crazy world over here. But then like you just learn it's like, oh, let's self-regulate, let's co-regulate, even yes, and so that is just, that's a beautiful gift. Let's have appreciation for that. So if you have a partner who's quiet and feels distant, and feels like they're not there and like they're not emotional or excitable or exciting. There's all the beautiful qualities on the flip side of that.

Victoria Sotelo: 34:38

Yeah.

Emma Viglucci: 34:38

Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, yeah. So good, you know, I had one more thought about that. It fell out of my head. It's okay. So the next thing that we wanted to talk about, aside from appreciating all the differences and why they are a gift to us, that's what I wanted to say why they are a gift to us, and just noticing that the differences are a gift. They are there for a reason. We could benefit from them, like you and I have benefited from this particular difference that we just shared. That's that we just shared. That's what we could look for in our partners, right, and I created what is called the romantical appreciation list that people could play with.

Victoria Sotelo: 35:12

I love it.

Emma Viglucci: 35:12

Let's find other romantical things. I like all the partnership things that we appreciate. Let's play with this, you know. Let's focus on the good stuff. Yeah, yeah, good, perfect, okay. So then, when we are in relationship, victoria, and we are finding that, you know, we're feeling a little stuck, we're feeling like things are not working or we might be at the bottom of that curve right, or the wave just came and we're a little wobbly, or we fell in the water.

Emma Viglucci: 35:41

Yeah, like what might be some things that could help us in those moments from our perspective, not like, oh, oh, my partner should do this, my partner should do that, which we're very good at, that right, but what about how we contribute any thoughts?

Victoria Sotelo: 35:54

about this. Yeah, I mean, look, I think that, first and foremost, I love this free gift that we all have every day. It's with us every morning. All, all day long, is our breath, you know, and I find it to be one of the most powerful gifts we've been given. The moment we take it and we hold it for a moment and we release it, we begin to start to regulate our body. And what we understand and know is that when we do this about four to six times in a moment of our day, so quickly that we can do this, we can actually naturally calm our stress receptors and calm our autonomic nervous system. Right, I can tell my stomach digest that food really well, as much as I want to, and it's not going to do it for me.

Emma Viglucci: 36:51

Why not but?

Victoria Sotelo: 36:54

I can tell I can pause, as as basic as this sounds, you know. I can pause and just take an inhale for four seconds, take an exhale for four to five seconds and then repeat that four to six times and my blood pressure, my body, will regulate itself. What a gift when we begin to do that, we can then, in that pause, we can check in with ourselves hey, what's really going on right now? Hey, what's really going on right now? What am I actually irritated by, what am I angry about? We can do a little self-talk and ask ourselves a curious question.

Victoria Sotelo: 37:39

The moment we're willing to be curious with ourself, we can maybe make space to get curious with the other person, not from a sarcastic stance, you know, not from an interrogations position, but just say hey, what's happening here? I kind of just came in the room feeling great, wanting to sit and have a time to hang out with you, and things have really gone awry quickly. Sometimes we use the word in our home hey, I think we need a reset or a rewind. And sometimes we use it right in the moment, right and again, like you said at the onset of this, we don't want to talk robotically or clinically all day long. We are real life human beings, but using these little phrases can sometimes, when we're triggered, redirect us. Um, I have a dog who's amazing's? She's an Aussie doodle, but she can really get hyper focused on those squirrels outside and I have to do a little and when I do the little she just perks up and pays attention to me and for me.

Emma Viglucci: 38:39

That that if we could only do that to our children and our husbands.

Victoria Sotelo: 38:42

Just kidding well well, look I, I work on it with me, first and foremost.

Victoria Sotelo: 38:48

So what I'm suggesting is look, the moment that one person in a system decides to shift the equilibrium, the temperature, so to speak, will shift. Yes, and, by the way, sometimes, when you're willing to take that courageous step, it's scary because you don't know what the outcome of the relationship will look like if you do start to pay attention to what is valuable and meaningful for you. But what will happen is you will have a lot of clarity and you will be able to do it with loving firmness rather than harshness. So I think you know one of the things things, the practical things that I look to is I look to the breath and then, once I look to the breath, I ask myself like, what do I really value right now? And sometimes, if you can't come up with anything, it's a good indicator to be quiet.

Victoria Sotelo: 39:42

You know, I think I heard John Gottman say uh, maybe it was Esther Perel as well that you know my marriage survived because of the three quarters of the things I decided not to say. You know, when I was feeling irritable or angry. Or my marriage survived because neither one of us wanted a divorce, so to speak at the same moment Right.

Victoria Sotelo: 40:01

And so that other person held steady when the other person was, you know, kind of fledgling all over the place. So I think it's important to do your part. You don't get to do the part for the other person, but you get to do your part. So take your breath. Take the breath, pay attention to your core values. And the last piece is what I think we want to spend a little time talking about, which is you know, knowing what your vision is for your here and now and where you're headed.

Emma Viglucci: 40:33

Having a clear view of the horizon helps you know where you're going when things with all of that, such beautiful perspective in ownership, because I spoon feed this Like this is what I dish out, if you may, right, like you can't change the other person, you can't tell them what to do, you can't do their work. Like this is I say this like ad noisium, and so the way that you explain and share all of that is just so gorgeous. So thank you for the reinforcement and the reinforcement. So one thing that's coming up for me is when we are triggered and when we are struggling, before we even get to the values, how might we get out of our own way? Like what if we take that deep breath? And then what Can we identify? Like why am I getting stuck here? Right, like any thoughts about in that moment, to kind of help reset.

Victoria Sotelo: 41:38

I mean, look, when you pause and take the breath. Sometimes you just go right back into those feelings Like this is a nightmare, right? Or I'm frustrated, or that boss is just driving me crazy. Uh, so you it. It takes time. I really think it's critical for us to remember that our brain and our mind, especially our mind, which lives inside of our brain, has muscle memory. And I look, if you haven't gone to the gym for six months and you show up, you know, month seven, day one, you're going to be feeling it. If you, if you push yourself too hard, right? So you're going to start slow, steady and consistent, and so you begin with the breath, get connected with it, see if you can get calm. Once you do that, I like to add a word. A word that kind of can anchor.

Victoria Sotelo: 42:32

Some people like to empty their mind, so to speak. I think that's helpful. Then you need to decide what you're going to fill it with. So just walking around with your empty, your mind empty, just really, you know, unproductive. There's just too many things that are going to invade we have trillions of thoughts constantly coming and moving neurons and connectors there in our conscious and subconscious, and what we really understand now is that we used to think that 95% was like in pen and maybe we could affect 5%. And you know, over the last 30 years, with all the brain neuro scans and studies, we see that, like 95%, it's in pencil, it is written, it's there's epigenetics there, there's there's narratives that we have coming in through different generations, through our family, of origin, experiences, a wanted and unwanted. But they don't have to be what guide our life. They don't have to control us. We can actually be controlled by our mind or we can start learning how to control our mind.

Victoria Sotelo: 43:35

So what I would say is start slow, don't be harsh with yourself. You got to offer yourself that compassion. And compassion doesn't say, hey, you can get away with it every day, no problem. But it has a sense of kindness and tenderness to say, okay, I see why you're here, I understand what informed this ruminating thought, this fearful, anxious thought. I get that, but we don't have to continue to be controlled by that anymore. So you pause and you say pay attention to your breath. And then you start to locate, and this piece does take a little more time. You start to sit back and just locate. You know, what do I value, what are my core values?

Emma Viglucci: 44:22

So, before we go to the core values, I think that something in that place, with that breath, and when we're feeling stuck and we're agitated in the moment, I think that what we wanted to offer was that is there something that you could release Right? Is there something that? What am I? How am I contributing to this moment, like what is happening? That? How am I choosing to look at my partner or at this situation or at myself? That's not serving me, that's keeping me stuck, that keeps adding wood to my fire, that keeps agitating me or creating anxiety and angst and pain. How can I let that one go? Can I look at it differently in any particular way? Can I own what I'm doing with that? And then I could let go of the way that I tend to look at it, reframe it and let go of the negative way of looking at it. So then that's an automatic peacemaker, like automatic self-regulation, automatic self-soothing, automatic transformation. You could go have all the conversations now, right? So that's the personal accountability piece.

Victoria Sotelo: 45:21

Maybe another way of even saying it at times is giving yourself permission. Right? Sometimes we're waiting for a doctor to prescribe us something or even a therapist to give us the tip. The reality is is each of us live every day with the gift of freedom. We have free will, so we have, we can give ourselves permission to say you know, I know that normally when that topic comes up, I get really frustrated, we get into a fight, I don't talk to my spouse for the next 24 hours or three days, uh, and I want to do it different this time. I mean, you literally have the permission, just like you have the permission to wake up tomorrow morning and start a different routine than you had yesterday. You have that permission. So you have a choice.

Victoria Sotelo: 46:08

You have a choice so in this moment, I think we could even sit with. You know, just from this morning, before you have listened to this podcast, has there been a negative thought or experience within yourself that nobody knows about, or an interaction with someone else, and would you like to just release it and say hey, you know what? I don't want to give that any more time and attention.

Emma Viglucci: 46:36

I'm not going to go.

Victoria Sotelo: 46:37

Yeah, I'm not going to go vent it out to someone. What do you want to do with that?

Emma Viglucci: 46:43

So to the listeners just heed that for a second, take that deep breath, identify anything that's that's getting you your, that's prickling you, what's happening there for you. And if you could make that choice now, like you don't have to sit in anything that you don't like. You have a choice, right, yeah, I love that.

Victoria Sotelo: 47:02

Yeah, I love it, I think it's so critical.

Victoria Sotelo: 47:05

I'm actually, while you were saying it, I was just doing it with something. What could I release right now that I experienced in the earlier part of my day? I had a, I had an uncomfortable conversation today, you know, at some point and I I kind of just said Look, saying in this moment. I I kind of just said look, saying in this moment I don't have to have a big, huge emotion about this, but I won't be a betrayal to to yourself if you decide to not explode. Yes, you know, I think I think this is an interesting thing that I've noticed is that sometimes we have told ourselves and I'm not sure exactly where this message came from for each person listening but that if you decide not to make a huge deal of it, then you're a doormat or you're being walked all over, or you know you're not powerful and strong. But strength can also look like being silent, not because someone is silencing us, but because we're choosing silence.

Emma Viglucci: 48:04

So good, you know something else that another analogy that might fit well here is you know, you could be strong and sturdy and rigid like a tree, but a little bit of wind comes and you fall over. But you could decide to be flexible and mindful and present and you could be like a palm tree. So the storm comes and you just kind of like, ok, and you could be like a palm tree. So the storm comes and you're just kind of like, okay, love that, and then I love what you're saying. It doesn't mean because you choose not to engage. It doesn't mean that you're giving your power away. If anything, you're like I'm not engaging in nonsense, I'm not giving my power away, it's just the opposite.

Victoria Sotelo: 48:37

It's just the opposite. You know we actually give our attention and our energy to things that we don't want to expand, and what we know is that what we give our energy to it does expand. We know that we can. We've all experienced it, so it's really making a conscious. Let me tell you something, in a family with Greeks and Italians, that there was no. There was no shortage of loud conversations in my home. You needed to have three to five points why any thought was important. Right, you needed to make sure you had the Socratic method in mind, and you're going to defend it and, and and sometimes the choosing to be quiet or not engaging. You could feel like the weak person in the room, and so you really have to again. This is why it's so important to do some of this work on your own to quiet your mind, calm your heart and then decide how you want to show up. And if you find that you're being swayed or pushed, take a step back for a minute. That's right.

Emma Viglucci: 49:41

That's right, very good, and that's okay to do. Yeah, I love that. You said before that you guys use in your home something like okay, let's reset, or something like that, something that I use my husband and my daughter uses slightly differently, but something that I know that I use cause I'm the more emotional one in my family, so I'm the one that has to use it more. They're both even keels, like I wouldn't even know if there was a heartbeat. You know, just kidding, but for me it's like okay, oh so if they're saying stuff and I'm getting triggered, or if I'm trying to get my needs met, I'm trying to have a conversation and I'm not getting the response or the engagement that I would like and and I know that I'm going to be going to funky places I might say something like you know what I need a minute.

Emma Viglucci: 50:19

Or if they're trying to engage with me in a way that I'm like that's not what I wanted, or it's not going the right way, or what the hell are you doing, or whatever, then I might be like you know what I actually need a minute. Let me think about this, right. And if they keep coming for some reason, if they don't respect that as a boundary or as a pause. If they can't hear it, I should say then I might be a little more explicit. I listen like you know what I'm getting triggered. Let me just think about this and then then let me just come back to you in a few minutes or in a little while. Yeah, beautiful, right. Like why are we go? Why are we going to go? Tit for tat, bad heads, are you escalate?

Victoria Sotelo: 50:51

Like no, you know we could do that's a waste of time, so for sure, very, very nice. Now let's go back to the values thing. I love that you were starting to have to bring that into the conversation. Can you say a little bit more specifically about how to identify values? Yeah, let's think about that for a moment.

Victoria Sotelo: 51:16

You know, before we get to our core values, there's this really strong idea that every human being has been gifted with just innate things. Right, you came into this world and you have certain core internal needs and those needs will sometimes show up externally. They will often be sought after to be, to be valued, um, to be touched in non-sexual ways that just mean, you know, we have affection in our life, um, in in our, in our world. I think a lot of times touch generally gets equated that, oh, that's going to be sexual and it's going to lead to sex. Yeah, and so often we'll even see and you may have experienced this yourself, I know I have at seasons of my own marriage where, um, I would even withhold touch, uh, because I knew it was going to be a, a pathway in my husband's mind to being sexual and I had to really shut that thinking down and change it, that I need to give a hug or a kiss, even if I'm not going to be sexual. That is a form of being sexual sometimes, but there's also times where it's just affection, it's not a touch. We all need to be chosen and included.

Victoria Sotelo: 52:38

Every human life needs to feel meaning and purpose and this is a huge one. At this season of life, at this time in life really understanding, when you can compare your life to a million different people at any second on, you know, on X or Twitter, on, on, on YouTube, on your social media, it's really challenging. It's to feel a sense of purpose and meaning. Even if you're at the top of your career, you could be at the highest place, that place you wanted to achieve more than anything else, and you can have that ache inside of yourself. Does this really matter, right? You could invest yourself for 10, 30 years in something and you walk out the door of a company or of a business, a relationship, and it doesn't seem like it was of any meaning or purpose. So core values, I believe, are really first and foremost. You have to tap into what matters your sense of meaning and purpose in life. So your core values come from who you see yourself as, and then who you want to be in relationship to others Perfect.

Emma Viglucci: 53:51

So a couple of things with that. The way that I was hearing you and receiving all of those beautiful values, or the terms that you use to describe them, they landed for me as needs. In my mind, I'm making a distinction between values and needs. So these are things that I'm going to need to survive or to be okay, to be well. Values are things that I want to live by in my mind, right? So that's how I'm distinguishing that, and so I think that both are extremely important in relationships and and interactions.

Emma Viglucci: 54:24

So, ok, how do we get our needs met Everything that you mentioned and then what is the filter for the values? How do we filter? How do I get those needs met? What's appropriate, what's not appropriate? Right, because I could get those needs met in all kinds of weird ways and so they're not aligned with my values of what's right for me or for humans or for you know, morally or whatever. So just just playing with that for ourselves, like what is our, what are our standards, what are our parameters to, to more, our morals to live by, what are the expectations? And then how do we get our needs met? Filtering through that so that we get them met in a way that aligns, because we could get needs met, filtering through that so that we get them met in a way that aligns, because we could get needs met in funky ways and that doesn't, we're not happy at the end of the day.

Victoria Sotelo: 55:10

Well yeah, there's no cohesion. There are, there are moments where, what are more, we have a moral, if we have a moral compass, right, so to speak. Yeah, and the moral compass is saying, hey, here's, here's the place where you're going to be feeling like you're thriving in life. Right, you can meet your needs that you believe you have in all sorts of ways that are unhealthy or dysfunctional or even pathological. Right, you can. And so we see that and that can happen to any one of us at any given moment of life.

Victoria Sotelo: 55:44

And sometimes we're looking to an addiction to meet a need. Right, we're looking to another relationship, an external relationship from the ones that we're in. We cut all the people in our life out that we know and search for someone else who doesn't know us, so we can be something completely brand new. I mean, this can easily happen now, like you don't have to. Really, these opportunities, I like to. They come to you actually, and so you really do, at this moment in history, have to have your feet kind of rooted. I think it's really essential to think about what roots you. For me, I have a really strong spiritual center in my life and that spiritual center roots me because I recognize, because of that spiritual center that there are only certain things other human beings can send can satisfy right Humans. Other human relationships can bring satisfaction to my life, but when I look to my husband or my children or my work to be the sole source of satisfaction for me, I really start to get depleted and overwhelmed and frustrated, right.

Victoria Sotelo: 56:56

So that's for me, that's a really important thing, and every everybody maybe comes from a different place, but checking in like, well, do I have a moral compass and where do I source that from? Where are my beliefs being formed from? As much as we want to believe that we're just coming up with these things on our own, we're very influenced by our culture, our socioeconomic standing, by our sex. You know whether we came into this world as male or female, what family of origin we have. These messages shape us. So that's a big place, yeah totally.

Emma Viglucci: 57:39

And so I love that, because if you are meeting the need for connection and love by having an affair, but your value is to be loyal and to be a good husband or wife, then you're shooting yourself on the foot Right, so definitely tying those things in in a way that you really have your own back in your partner's back at the end of the day Gorgeous. And I love the icing on that cake, which was that the values need to be grounded somewhere, spiritually or whatever it is for you. And, yes, and everything else, all the other influences, that would all be repatterned, all those beliefs, whatever, all the things are impacted and influenced, how we are formed, could all be revisited and reprogrammed. And it's really interesting because I like to say and I borrow this from Joe Dispenza, who says that we're just a habit. Everything about us is a habit, like the way that we think, the way in our thoughts create our brain chemistry, our neurology, our biology, like just even our bodies, like we could reprogram everything.

Emma Viglucci: 58:42

Like everything about us is a habit. We are a big old habit, so we have to make choices right and we have to be intentional. That's how we create our life. Otherwise, we live in life by default, and not a happy one, potentially so from there. Then you mentioned the vision, right? So then how do you use this stuff to create a relationship vision? And then what? What do we do with that?

Victoria Sotelo: 59:04

Yeah, so, um, one of the things that I love to do with my clients is a, a vision kind of exercise where I encourage couples to sit with one another to just brainstorm about really key things that are important to them, right Generally three things that are important to them, right Generally. Some general things that come up for many people are their family, how they use money, what money represents to them and how they use it with each other, and do they want to have an external locus of focus with their generosity, right, nice, yes, we think about what they value. Do they have any core beliefs, from maybe a spiritual practice to strong beliefs that they have taken from maybe their culture even, and do they want to utilize these? A lot of times, couples are thinking about wanting to be adventurous and fun and playful, and how do you incorporate that with responsibilities that you hold dear to yourself? Yeah, so you kind of take some time to brainstorm about those things. What do I think about my family? What do I think about finances? What do I think about any kind of spiritual practice or life practice? How do I do that with myself and at what point do I want to extend that out to others in my life or in my circle of influence, and then you see where you can match that up.

Victoria Sotelo: 1:00:33

And sometimes you and your spouse will write all sorts of things down, write them slightly differently, but they're about the same thing. Right, we want to be in a trusting relationship where there's space to have conflict and communicate about it. Right, we want to be connected to each other's dreams Maybe not all of each other's dreams, but we want to have a core dream that we're moving towards together. So you think about it that way, and then what you do in the end is you end up with a vision statement, and this vision statement really becomes a sentence that focuses a lot of your core values that you do see eye to eye about. You may have some that you're not going to be able to really practically move towards together, but when you find this common ground, it does tend to catalyze you to want to be more accepting, and that's a piece we didn't talk about earlier, but I do think that it's a critical piece. You know, at the point where we start accepting where our power exists, but also the limits of our own human power, then we have a lot of peace, own human power, then we have a lot of peace when I, when I start to realize, or you start to realize, that, hey, I can influence other people with my responses, with my thoughts and my behaviors, but I can't make decisions for those other people. That's right, right. So when we accept the differences, then we're actually able to live with more harmony and we're able to pursue a core vision together. Love it.

Victoria Sotelo: 1:02:08

And one other thing I think is really helpful this is just how I've done it over the last decade, because I have a vision statement. But, let's be honest, sometimes we're not going back and looking at that, even a statement that we've come up with. But what I do encourage people if they do take the time to make it, put it somewhere, post it somewhere, even have it as a reminder that shows up on your phone once a month. If you got your phone in your hand, what we've thought about is even trickling that further down to just a word. And so for the last decade, I just really encourage my clients hey, even if you don't have a statement, or you do, is there one word every year that you could pay attention to and start to think about yourself psychologically, biologically, socially, culturally, sexually, spiritually, from this word and see what you learn, see where you're strong and where you're really making some mature advances in your life.

Emma Viglucci: 1:03:14

I love that. So that's interesting, because I do the same thing. I do find that I use the focus word every year, but I never looked at it the way that you just described. That's just so gorgeous. It takes it to the next level and that is like, oh, let me filter all aspects of myself through this word. Wow, that's just super powerful, and for the audience and even for us, just so we're not above anybody.

Emma Viglucci: 1:03:35

Just to reinforce this for myself I'm going to speak for myself, not for you that we're always in progress. Right, so we're perfect as we are, because if this is the moment in time that we are and this is how we're supposed to be right now, but we are limited by our human experience, and then how do we continue to become more of the fullness of who we are? So that's kind of the message that I keep sharing, I guess. Yeah, and so this means that, okay, what is my version of like, what is it that I want to do for next year? How do I want to show up better as the wife, as a mom, as a therapist, as a human, whatever all the roles and also invite others into that, because then, as a collective, we continue to become better. So that's part of the message and of course, I try to bring that within my home and I don't force any of this. So for those of you who are listening, this is the message that I wanted to fine tune.

Emma Viglucci: 1:04:29

If you are the person that's Victoria and me in your home and your family or your partner is like eh, because that happens a lot, right. So, like I see it, even in the couples therapy, One partner is all into stuff like this, another one isn't. That's totally cool. But just know that even if you shift your energy a little bit, even if you change your approach a little bit, even if your words shift a little bit, or if you just bring some new concept into your own mind, that it just percolates Like just you shifting yourself, like we said earlier, it helps shift all the things. So just worry about worry, or be mindful of, intentional about you, yeah, and all the other things will fall into place as well. If you're having a hard time, like, well, my partner won't do any of these fun things with me, it's okay.

Victoria Sotelo: 1:05:11

Yeah, it's not where you're at. I'm happy you brought that up because you know that's more likely the dynamic in most relationships right, there tends to be one person with a stronger desire for motivational, catalystic kind of change, right, and the other partner's like can we just go and have a slice of pizza together? Right, we don't want to come up with a word and have a vision statement and, look, I think it's so important to be practical relationally and to remember if you're in what I would hope would be a lifelong relationship, right, then all the change doesn't need to happen right now. You know it doesn't?

Emma Viglucci: 1:05:54

How do we activate a shift? How do we inspire ourselves, how do we inspire our partner? How do we reprogram some things? So we're going long here. So if we could do a quick takeaway in terms of how do we apply that idea to the holidays that are coming up and to relationship rituals so we can enrich the relationship and invite yumminess and higher levels of relating with our partner and creating the relationship that we want.

Victoria Sotelo: 1:06:23

I think it's really important to stay simple with what you're going to implement. Take one thing, and if that one thing is for the next, you know seven days, I'm going to take a breath and while I'm breathing in the morning, I'm going to focus on one word that I can be thankful for Do that. That will activate the mind and as you build muscle mass in your mind, you'll be able to layer. The brain loves to layer, it really does. So you can layer how you grow that, that, that experience and that practice which will become the habit. So I would say those things are really the place to activate, to shift in those moments, in those little moments you give yourself.

Victoria Sotelo: 1:07:10

And then the last piece is really where you're reprogramming. And the reprogramming is like as simple as hey, my computer works great and I noticed that there's a little virus in this app. Hey, I'm going to delete that app, so to speak. I'm going to delete that thought, I'm not going to give myself permission to keep thinking about it all day and I'm going to engage myself somewhere else, productive.

Emma Viglucci: 1:07:34

Oh, I love it Very, very, very, very pretty. So I would add that for the holidays, I would encourage the listeners, if this resonates for them, to think about what is meaningful for them, what touches their hearts and what do they think will touch their partner's hearts, and investing in that. Because a lot of times it becomes all about the material things, the doing, the food, the, just the making of the holiday, but not really of the feeling of the holiday. So I would encourage people to feel and approach the holidays from a place of how can I enrich my relationship, how can I nurture myself, my partner, the relationship, and focus on that versus so much on the other stuff. So that activation right, just to enrich, to inspire, to shift to up-level what we focus on, because we focus too much on the low vibration things, the material, the doing, the da-da-da-da supposed to like, the feeling, the giving, the compassion, the generosity right, just giving of ourselves, not just stuff. And then for the rituals, what I would add is like if people could think about how do I want the new year to start, what kind of rituals do I want to bring into the new year so I have a richer relationship in 2025.

Emma Viglucci: 1:08:51

2025, quarter of a century guys. Fabulous, right, so let's turn the page. What do we want that to look like? How am I going to show up with my best self? What are my best self feels like looking like in 2025? What kind of rituals do I want to have? What does the rituals look self? What are my best?

Emma Viglucci: 1:09:05

self feels are looking like in 2025? What kind of rituals do I want to have? What does the rituals look like? What might a morning ritual look like with my partner? It could be morning coffee. You guys have heard me talk about this before, but just to reinforce it, morning coffee.

Emma Viglucci: 1:09:15

Let's connect, let's set an intention. Why don't we touch base during the day? My husband and I do this. What does your schedule look like? What does your schedule look like? And we find gaps during the day. To connect Nighttime, what is the sleep hygiene? What is the couple part of that? Just little places, and we call this connection habits.

Emma Viglucci: 1:09:36

So how do we build that in into the practice, into the lifestyle, so we could enrich our relationship and really up-level how we're living and it's not just so monotonous and grindy that we tend to experience if we're not intentional. Yeah, and then the last thought I love that you offer about the ruminating thing and just watching your mind. Yes, please watch your thoughts. Your thoughts are so powerful. You're creating your reality Later.

Emma Viglucci: 1:10:00

You mentioned before what. I forget what words you use, victoria, but the way I translate that, or the way that I usually use it, is like where you focus on growth, you use the word expand. I think, yeah, expand, yeah, right. So when you focus on growth, so don't focus on the crap. Focus on the good. There's always crap, right. Why are we going to focus on? That? Doesn't mean that you live in La La Land and you ignore things that you have to address. That's not what we're talking about. We're saying don't fuel that. Yes, do what you got to do, but focus on the blessings. There are plenty of good, yummy things in there and, as you guys know, if you work with us privately, we start all of the sessions with appreciation. So you know, even when you feel the most bad, that you still find appreciations right.

Victoria Sotelo: 1:10:52

So this is contagious, it really is right. Just like negative thoughts can be contagious, you know, positive thinking and and showing up and taking responsibility and being accountable. It is contagious. The people around will sometimes resist it, so be prepared for that. Steady yourself in that. You know that kind of resolve that, hey, this is a beautiful, good thing and I want to stay on this course. But there's not always going to be positive encouragement on the course. So, you know, have that, that resistance in your spirit. That's in a good direction, like perseverance, resilience in your inside of you and, yeah, I, I really appreciate it. Thank you for allowing me to come and be a part of this conversation with you.

Emma Viglucci: 1:11:41

I so enjoyed having you on. I love your perspectives, I love your energy, I love how your wisdom right and your insights and, of course, all your clinical know-how. But you're just such a beautiful person. Any last last second message that you want to leave the audience with for the holidays and for the new year, oh.

Victoria Sotelo: 1:12:01

I think you know what I love to tell people is love one another well, because love works. It really does and it's worth the. It's worth the journey. It's not always an easy journey. It's, it's messy, it's uncomfortable at times to learn how to love well, but it's really worth taking that journey. And in a world where I think a lot of people have been disappointed and discouraged and wounded even by the people they love, I just I want to remind people that being generous with forgiveness is also your gift. You have the permission to forgive and to release a debt over other people in your life, and this is a powerful way to enter a new year and a new day. Every day you have an opportunity to release the debt over somebody through forgiveness, whether they're open to that or not. You have that freedom.

Emma Viglucci: 1:12:58

But you could do that. It doesn't matter what they're doing. Yeah, so good, my goodness. So, so wise. So it was a pleasure. Thank you so much for sharing time with you.

Victoria Sotelo: 1:13:07

I really appreciate you and give yourself to your clients, but also resource people so that they can have these tools outside of the therapy practice that we care about how people are living in good ways and healthy ways. So thank you for your commitment to that.

Emma Viglucci: 1:13:36

Oh, thank you so much for acknowledging. I really appreciate that. Thank you, love, and to the audience. I will see you at the next one. Bye.