Successful Relationship with Emma

Your Relationship Creates a Life of Success or a Life of Struggle – Emma Solo (Ep.40)

• Emma Viglucci • Episode 40

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In today’s episode, Emma talks about how partners believe they are supportive in their relationship but how in actuality they are not. Their words, actions or how they show up is not one of a supportive partner… She offers how to address this from an empowering position so both partners win. 

She describes 10 specific ways in how partners are not supportive in their relationship that create a life of struggle instead of a life of blissful success. The 10 ways line up with the new edition of the Successful Relationship Strategy™, providing a full spectrum upgrade to uplevel your relationship. 

✨ We are honored to serve you and thrilled to share meaningful milestones and growth with you today. Emma is sharing two special offers to celebrate our Podcast’s 2nd Anniversary and our Practice’s 25th Anniversary, along with the debut of the new edition of the Successful Relationship Strategy™. 

A must listen for any couple looking to take their relationship to the next level. 

Hope you enjoy it! 


*Visit the Episode’s Page for the Video, related article, other resources AND to get our Special Celebration Offers!


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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.



Emma Viglucci:

Hello lovelies, welcome to another episode. I am so excited to be here with you today for two reasons. The first one is that today's topic is super empowering. We are covering how your relationship creates a life of success or a life of struggle. A lot of times, partners think that they're being supportive, that they're helping their partners, that they got their partners back and that they're doing for their partner. But are they really Right? Their partners might say something completely different, and so today we're going to cover how we might not be supportive to our partner, but more specifically, because sometimes we don't worry about that too much it might be unsupportive. We worry more about if our partner is being supportive of us, and so I want to hook us up by addressing this topic from that angle. If we feel that our partner is not being supportive, then what do we do about that? How do we create a shift? How do we help them support us? How do we invite them to support us? Okay, so we're going to create the changes that we want there. We're going to cover 10 different ways in which we might experience our partners not being supportive, and they will probably recognize how we're not being supportive of ourselves as well. Right, but we are going to see, okay, how are our partners not being supportive? And what to do to invite the support, to create the support with them.

Emma Viglucci:

The other reason why I'm super excited for today is because we are celebrating the podcast second year anniversary, and this year it's also our practice's 25th year anniversary. Practice's 25th year anniversary We've been around for a while and so honored to support so many couples in their growth and transformation and creating the relationship that they want. And the other thing that we're celebrating is they debuted of a new version of the successful relationship strategy, which captures an up-leveled way of working with clients and the way that we do our work that helps support couples. And this new day and age that requires being a new kind of human to deal with everything that's been happening, and that requires having a new marriage. That's what the work is all about. We can create a new marriage to help us do life the way that we want and have the human experience that we're here to have to have that meaningful and successful life.

Emma Viglucci:

Now, what's a celebration without gifts? And so I have two things to offer. Things to offer. The first one is the Marriage Breakthrough Essentials Bundle that includes a curated list of podcast videos and a curated list of downloadable guides to support you in implementing all the things. I'm going to show you how to change today so that you can create the relationship in the life that you want with much more ease, harmony, joy and, of course, connection and love. And the second gift, if you're interested in working with us, is a package of sessions with full access to the membership, and it's discounted at 30% off of our regular rates. For both of these gifts, you have all the information below. You have links and more information so that you could decide which one you want. The first one is completely free, so why not? You could totally just access that. You just fill out the form and you'll immediately get the free gifts. And the second one you'll get more information how to work with us if you're interested, okay, so without further ado, let's dive in.

Emma Viglucci:

I have lots to share, lots to share today. So the first thing that I want to highlight is that the 10 points that I'm going to share are related to the successful relationship strategy elements and their updated version. And so the five the updated versions now include commitment communication now include commitment, communication, consciousness, connection and collaboration. And so, as we go through the 10 items, just know that each two belong to one of those five elements and you could hear for the themes in them. When you address these things, the five elements will help shift the whole relationship. So it might seem like 10 little loose things, but there's a whole thing behind the scenes going on that will really hook you up to create the changes that you want. Okay, so they're not just random items. They are grounded in a proven process that it's been 30 years in the making, by the way, guys. So, as you could see, there's a lot behind this. So I'm making it as simple as possible. I'm going to give you 10 items that you might recognize that you're doing or that your partner is doing to be unsupportive in your relationship and how you're shifted, and they are related to these elements so that when you apply them, you'll automatically be targeting the five areas of the relationship that need targeting and upgrading to create the transformation that you're seeking or the up-leveling that you're seeking.

Emma Viglucci:

Okay, hopefully that made sense. We're going to jump right in Ready. So number one has to do with creating doubt. Now, again, you may recognize yourself, but we're going to focus on this from this side like that, you might feel that your partner's creating doubt. Okay, now, doubt could be in anything. The one that's really harmful is when we create doubt in our commitment and the relationship status. So a lot of times when partners are struggling, they might throw out threats of separating or breaking up, of divorcing, or they might operate with one foot out the door. Right. So they might be doing funny behaviors that show you that they're not fully committed, they're not all in. They might be acting single. They might be acting single. They might be operating shady. They might actually be betraying you in different ways or showing up in ways that don't show full care. Right Again, you might be doing this. This might go the other way around. But if your partner is doing all these things and you're like, oh, where the heck is my partner, why are they not all in? Then what we want to do to create this shift is to have a conversation, and I know that sounds simple, but hang on, hang on. I'm going to say more about that in a second.

Emma Viglucci:

The other ways in which they might create doubt, aside from the relationship itself, is about the future, about your skills, your level of abilities, in your career, in your business, in your parenting. They might undermine your self-esteem and your confidence in all kinds of areas your fitness, your wellness, your diet. They might be undermining all kinds of things. Okay, so that's the thing to look to look out for how they create doubt and insecurities and lack of confidence. Confidence how do they undermine?

Emma Viglucci:

Now going back to that conversation the conversation is not about chasing. It's not about beating them up for doing this. It's not about telling them what they should do. It's not about telling them all the things that you want and how they're falling short, right. So it's not a negative conversation. Instead, it's going to be a conversation around desires, around what we want, around what we would like to see happen, around preferences, and it's going to be about sharing that for ourselves and asking them, being curious about theirs. So, if they are doing all these things that are undermining, we're going to say, hey, you know, these are my preferences. I'm going to, I'm giving you the short version of this, otherwise we're going to be here forever. I want these things, this is how I want to feel, this is what I want to achieve, this is what my beliefs are, this is my preferences, these are my dreams and the way that things have been going. Don't feel that we might be aligned with some of these things. What are yours? They might not be able to answer you.

Emma Viglucci:

To have these kinds of conversations is much better to set up a date for it, to give them a heads up of what you want to chat about. Don't say we have to talk about the relationship, because that freaks them out. So you're going to say, hey, you know, I would love to just chat about things. Let's have a conversation about the state of the union, kind of thing. Right, let's just kind of turn the same page about things. So it's not threatening and that might even be threatening, right. So you use your judgment, your discernment in terms of what might be threatening or not threatening in your relationship. Make it as least threatening as possible.

Emma Viglucci:

So it's going to be a chat about stuff, so that they have an idea that it's going to be a deep conversation and you might want to say about dreams and goals and visions and what we want to create. So they have. So you're priming the pump so they kind of know what to expect and they might come a little bit more prepared, as opposed to like, oh, what are your dreams and desires about life and they're going to have no clue how to answer you. Okay, and then you're going to get frustrated and then you're going to take offense to that and that's going to become information even more solid of all the things, and it's going to make it worse, right? So you're going to be cautious about this. You're going to be light and fun and curious. It's not going to be heavy and intense and all the things.

Emma Viglucci:

Once you have both sets, or somewhat of both sets, don't go all intensive with like a hundred item list of yours and they're going to be like I don't have anything, and then again that discrepancy is going to make it weird. Go in with a gist of the flavor of the things from your side, depending on the topic. Is it about life? Is it about your fitness? Is it about your career? Is it about your job, your business, the kids, right? So a general gist of your preferences. Check in on theirs, then identify the gap and then address the gap, because that will show you where they're at. They might be in a very different place than you and they don't know that they're undermining you. They might not agree If it has to do with parenting or lifestyle things, they're impacted too. So that's a little tricky, right, but that's the conversation. So how can we do this thing so we both feel safe, so that it works for both of us, so that we both get what we want, so that both sides are supported, you see? So that's the conversation.

Emma Viglucci:

So it's going to be curious. It's not going to be threatening. You're going to explore, you're going to share, you're going to ask questions and you're going to find some kind of middle ground this is the key Some kind of middle ground where the other person could be all in, because if you're asking for the moon and they can't even grab a speck of dirt, you're not going to get anything. You're going to get a speck of dirt. That's not what we're looking for. So when you make it easy for them to give you what you need, they'll give it to you. If it's challenging, they can't give it, how are they going to give it to you, right? Okay, so that's number one. Number two is now allowing your partner to be themselves. Again, you could be doing this, they could be doing this to you. Regardless.

Emma Viglucci:

What it looks like is that a partner is telling the other partner how they need to be, how they need to show up, how they need to operate, what they need to think, feel, do, follow up with. Do the other thing, how to take out the garbage. You know, like being in the other person's circle. If you're new to us and you don't know what that means, it's staying in your own lane, like not telling the other person what to do, minding their business in a nutshell. And what happens is that when a partner does that, the other person is disempowered. And so if they're telling you how to do all these things and you're feeling like, oh my gosh, you stopped controlling me, you stopped telling me what to do and how to be, or undermining who I am, or I can't speak up or be my full self because I might feel that you might reject me or not want me or leave me Right. So I'm either going to be controlled or I'm going to be abandoned.

Emma Viglucci:

And so how do we deal with this? We set some boundaries. The easiest way to do that is to keep in mind the idea of the circles, which means it's an invisible hula hoop around your body. Inside this hula hoop is all the things about you. Your partner has one, you have one If you leave your circle and you go in your partner's circle, in their lane.

Emma Viglucci:

You're going in their circle and you're telling them what to do with themselves and for themselves inside their circle. Your circle's empty. You're disempowered. Their circle's crowded. They can't act for themselves, they can't have self-agency. If it's crowded and you shut them down, they're disempowered, everybody's disempowered. And so what we want to do is come back into our own circle, not tell the other person how to be, not go in their circle.

Emma Viglucci:

And if they're coming in our circle, same thing. We're going to tell them gently get out of my circle, right? I don't appreciate being told what to do. This doesn't work for me. This is I prefer that you tell me how I'm impacting you with these actions or this behavior, or how this has, what this has to do with you. That's how this hurts your feelings or sets you back or bothers you, right?

Emma Viglucci:

So two ways about this. One if you're in their circle, that's how you disempower them, where they feel that they can be themselves. So you're going to come back in your circle. If they're doing that to you, you can be yourself, you can speak up, you can say your piece, you can be you, you can pursue the things that you like, all that kind of stuff. You're going to gently tell them to not do that. But sometimes people are rough about this and then the partner takes offense and they can't hear the boundary and then it creates worse things.

Emma Viglucci:

So instead we're going to ask them, like, what's going on behind what their action, what they're doing? Why are you saying these things? Usually it has to do about them, right? So why are they doing that? And so if we find that, what's behind, what's driving that, then we could address that more directly and we get them out of our circle. You see, that's the tricky part. So you're going to tell them to remove themselves, but we're going to address also what's behind that, so then it's easier for them to stay out and they don't have the need to come into our circle, because whatever is driving is going to be taken care of, right?

Emma Viglucci:

So notice the way that I'm doing this. We can't tell other people what to do. We can't tell our partner support my life, right, they don't know what that means and they don't know how to do it. But if we start analyzing it like this, if we start breaking it down into specific areas or things or topics, or themes, or by the elements, like I'm doing right now, by the relationship areas. Then you go more nuanced, go in and address the driver how is playing out, how is showing up, how is this about them? And we put something in place for that and that takes care of both of us. Isn't this beautiful, right? So that's how we create change and that's how we create the support that we want and the life that we want at the end of the day. Okay, so both of those have to do with element one commitments. So we're going to align, we're going to be growth minded, we're going to get on the same page. We're going to break any impasses. We're not going to own each other. Get on the same page, we're going to break any impasses, we're not going to own each other. And that's going to help us get the support properly and have that full end commitment and be all in and really have each other's back properly.

Emma Viglucci:

Okay, the third way in that we might not support our partner and them us is that in interactions or in conversations, we gaslight or we're defensive, and again they could be doing that to us. And so what do we do? This is very common. People try to talk, address things and the way that they show up, they're gaslighting the other. Well, no, that didn't happen. I didn't say that. That's not how it is. This is what you do, just whatever. All the ways that we do it, and also we're defensive, right. So that feel is very dismissive. It denies our reality, it denies who we are, and if we're doing it, it does that to the other. So we don't want to be the recipient of that or the doer of that. If our partner is doing that to us, then our job is to explain how that's making us feel, feel how that's creating a feeling of being dismissed, of not being hurt. We're not feeling understood, we're feeling we're being canceled, that the reality is being denied, all kinds of things. So we could share that If we straight up say well, you're gaslighting me, or stop gaslighting me, that's not going to work, because now you're attacking your partner, right?

Emma Viglucci:

So I see this all the time. That's what partners say like stop gaslighting me, that's not going to work, because now you're attacking your partner, right? So I see this all the time. That's what partners say Like stop gaslighting me, always gaslight me, or I'm done with you gaslighting me, right, so that is not going to help anything. The partners don't even understand what that means. They don't understand the term usually, and they don't agree that you're doing that. They don recognize it, and so that's not helpful to anybody. What we're going to do instead is we're going to say what this gaslighting or their defensiveness is doing to us. We're going to explain how it's making us feel and again check in on what's going on for them, and we're going to try to get in that middle way of how do we help you feel understood. This is what I need to feel understood.

Emma Viglucci:

Both realities can take place at the same time. If I'm right doesn't mean that you're wrong, and if you're wrong, it doesn't mean that I'm right. That partners have conversations to win. There is no right or wrong. Right because something's true for you, it doesn't mean that what's true for me can be true also. This is a both and situation. This is because your experience doesn't mean that my experience is not real.

Emma Viglucci:

Both of our experiences are real, and so our job as partners is to acknowledge each other's experience. Our job is not to say my reality overrides yours, right? So how do we acknowledge what you experienced and how do we acknowledge what I experienced? That way, we both feel validated, we both feel understood. We don't have to agree or love the other person's experience. They might be saying that I experienced you as this biggest whatever, and we don't agree that we're that person, and vice versa, but we might be doing something that's making them feel that way, that's giving them that impression, and so what's our side that we could change and address and do different or address whatever's creating that impression for them or that experience for them, and we can make requests for them so that, so that they don't do things that gives us that impression of them and that experience of them. You see, so we line up on how we see each other and how we communicate without denying the other person. Their experience is just as valid and our job is to help them feel heard, understood by us and to help them understand us.

Emma Viglucci:

Now you might say like, oh my gosh, this is so much work and I hear this a lot, but that's because that's your side, that's where the work is for you. You can't do work on your partner's side, right, you do, this is your side of it. If your partner's listening to this, they have to do the same work, you see, so you both do this. If I was talking to your partner, I would be telling your partner all this. If I'm talking to you, I'm telling you all this. So this is the things that you need to do to create change. We can't wait for our partner to do something different and we just sit here complaining, whining, not being happy and waiting for them to change and telling them how they should change. We're going to be here forever, right, but if we take ownership of our side and we do all these different things, we take care of ourselves and them at the same time. Yay, so that's what we're shooting for.

Emma Viglucci:

Now, whoever's listening to this? If you're listening to this together, even better. Then you each do your side. When you empower yourself and you're doing your own side, you're empowered. So, when you're owning yourself, you're empowered, and so is your partner. And then amazing Now you might say things like well, my partner's not listening to this, I am.

Emma Viglucci:

And then I have to do all the work because they're not. Well, the reason why I'm saying the things, that, the way that I'm saying them, is because this is where you have the power. You can't tell them what to do. You're going to be waiting a long time. But if you do things differently, automatically they'll show up differently, you see. So they will still be doing things differently. That's the trick. So by you being different, they need to show up differently. They can't respond to you the same way than if you hadn't changed. Okay, so we are in communication.

Emma Viglucci:

Element two, the other one, so this is number four. The way that we don't support our partner is by refusing to repair and by disconnecting. Now we might do that. They might be doing that. So again, we're here to get what we want right. So they're doing this to us and we want, we want to change that. So how do we do that? The easiest way to address that is to say okay, why are they refusing to repair? How come they don't want to apologize this comes up all the time how come they don't want to process what happened and address it or debrief? How come they just want to sweep it under the rug? How come they keep saying I keep bringing all this stuff up and I don't get in, just can't let it be, let it go Right.

Emma Viglucci:

So partners say a lot of stuff like that, and so the key is to ask for a conversation around what might be happening with this. So you're going to say something like you're not trying to rehash the thing, but rather we want. You want to be able to get on the same page and you want to be able to make amends and get back to good graces and good feels. Right, the key is to to set this up so that it's safe to have the conversation and to address what might be happening and to make it sound inviting to get on the same page, right? We don't want to keep fighting. We don't want to be feel right. We don't want to keep fighting. We don't want to feel disconnected. We don't want to have all this friction and all this tension. Can we get on the same page, right? So it's not about rehashing things or beating each other up. So can we show that we understand each other? That's how to go about this one. So you're not going to say you never apologize, and I mean you're not going to go after your partner, right? So you might be picking up a theme here already that we're not here to beat up on our partner. We're here to address what might be happening for them, so we could address their side and so that we could iron what's happening in the moment, so, then, that they could meet us where we need them to meet us, right. So we remove the roadblock that might be in the way from them showing up the way that we want them to show up. So we address both sides by doing that, you see, okay?

Emma Viglucci:

Moving on to element three, element three now, before I move on, I want to highlight that these things might feel a little either abstract or like I need more on that and I don't know what, how to do those things. So that's why I created the compilations that I did, so you'll have deeper explanations on all this stuff through the other podcasts that I specifically picked out for you for this, and also the guides and downloadables so there's a handful of them to really drill in into perspectives and tools and skills and resources, so that you could really have your own back and make these things happen. Okay, cause there's only so much that I could cover here. So that's why I have additional resources for you, so that you could drill in into the things that you might need support with in any of these areas. All right, so moving on to area three, element three.

Emma Viglucci:

This has to do with consciousness this is our new label, by the way, guys and I'm labeling it consciousness, because this one has to do with a higher level of awareness what is happening in our dynamics, how are we getting triggered? And so, with this one, what we want to address is our partner, our partner's seemingly inability to regulate right. They just escalate, they blow off the handle, fly off the handle, they come at us, they're quick to trigger, they're reactive, and it just makes interactions or addressing anything very challenging. Like you might be working on eggshells and it's hard to get things done, you feel you're not getting your needs met because you can't even ask for anything, because they just take it personally and they freak out right. So I'm sure you recognize how this might play out, and so the easiest way to address this is not to go at them as you suck, you have an anger management problem, you don't meet my needs. What's wrong with you, right? What's wrong with you right?

Emma Viglucci:

Obviously that's not gonna work, and even if we say those things gently like listen, you're so reactive and it's hard for us to have conversations in whatever like, even if you try to make it more subtle, it's still accusatory, it's still negative, it's still blaming, right. So you don't have to use such pejorative language or yell at them or curse at them or say mean things. Even when we're seemingly being nice about it, there's still an edge to it. So let's watch out for that, because this is one of those ways that we say, well, we're supportive, but are we Right? So this is one of the things.

Emma Viglucci:

And so what we want to do is how do we help, not trigger them? One and two, how do we help regulate? So this is one of those times where, if we're mindful of how we're showing up our own presence, the timing of things, how we address things, that in itself helps regulate. You see, that in itself helps the other person show up easier or not get triggered and therefore be able to meet your needs. So, again, focus on your side of this. One, how do we not trigger? Two, how do we help them meet their needs so they're not so triggerable? How to self-soothe by co-regulating, right? So there's all kinds of things that we could do here so that our partner is more solid and in the solid, they could be there for us.

Emma Viglucci:

And again I hear like holy crap, that's so much work, what the heck? It sounds like a lot, but in the moment you might look at something as simple as taking a deep breath when they're starting to talk and when you're starting to talk. So just that different level of energy automatically soothes the moment. Right, it doesn't have to be complicated, it could be as simple as that. Of course, we could take this to all kinds of levels, all kinds of depths, but in the application in and of itself, it doesn't have to be complex or complicated or intense or anything right, just presence in and of itself is huge.

Emma Viglucci:

So, please, I don't want you to take this conversation as, like, you have all this work to do. It's just being mindful of how you show up, how you say things, what are you doing? I'm supposed to go in after them because in that approach automatically is safe for them. Then they could do their own work and then they could show up for you differently. You're not doing the work for them, by the way, with the things that I'm saying, I don't know. Hopefully that's not coming across that way. You're just showing up in a way that allows them to do their work. They don't become more reactive, more triggered, more whatever by whatever you're doing, you see. So you do your own side, you show, you're mindful of how you show up, how you address things, and I'm giving you the ways to do that, so then they could be available for you.

Emma Viglucci:

All right, the next one is number six. We're still in consciousness, and this one has to do with we feel that they're not meeting our needs. We feel that they're not there for us. We feel that they're not stretching to cater care, show care, show love, that they're just doing their side. They focus on their needs, what they want, how they want things. Everything is their way or their highway. They can't see our side of things or our needs.

Emma Viglucci:

So the most common way that this shows up is that there's a discrepancy between our needs for space and connection, right? So one part of my need space is the one I need connection, and they're seemingly opposite. And so how do we meet both at the same time? Right? And so if I need space, how am I going to give you a connection? And if you need connection, how are you going to give me space?

Emma Viglucci:

We get stuck there and a lot of times, usually people do what they want, so I'm going to chase for connection or I'm going to run away from my space and we don't meet our partner's needs. And this is where people get all messed up. And so this stretch comes in, by finding that middle ground for having some kind of cadence for meeting the needs for connection or space. Therefore, then you're not stuck with this immediate, desperate needs for space or connection because you're ongoingly getting those needs met and therefore you don't have to worry about it. My needs or your needs are getting met. You see, again getting tricky, but this is how we find that way of making things work for both of us.

Emma Viglucci:

So when we find that our partner it's all about them and they want to have their needs met and they don't care about ours, because at that point if we wait for that last minute thing, it is kind of like me or you, it's like a thing for survival. It's a good example the mask putting the mask on in the plane or when you are deep ocean and like treading water and you're drowning, like in those moments, like you got to do, you, you can take care of the other person right. So we don't want to find ourselves in those moments. So how do we get ahead of things so that we can stay mindful of our partner's needs If we're pushed to the limit, like that it's always going to be our own self-preservation and it's not fair to put our partner in those predicament moments or for them to put us in those moments right. So being intentional about this bypasses all of that.

Emma Viglucci:

Okay, now we're moving on to element four, and we are talking about the seventh way, in that we might not be supportive, and this shows up by how we do connection and I know that I give the example of connection in the other one and meeting each other's needs, because I mean, that's usually one of the biggest things that people come up against, but it could show up anywhere with any example, right, so you could just stretch your imagination there or apply it to your circumstances and see how you can find that middle ground that meets both sides. So the seventh way is actually more related to connection, and so with this one, what we want to do is be mindful of each other's styles. Right here, what usually happens is that we think that we're being supportive, that we show up to all of our partner's things and in all the way that they want us, that we are stretching by, we want the space but we're giving them the connection, or we wanted the connection but we're giving them the space kind of idea. But at the end of the day, we might not be showing up to the things that are important to them or in a way that is important to them or that it touches their heart, if we're agreeing to go do something with them but we have a sour puss in our face whole time, or we're complaining the whole way there, or we're mean to the people around us while we're there. We don't engage with people there or whatever, right?

Emma Viglucci:

However we do these things, then do we really show up, right? You know, what's coming to mind now is when we're in private sessions and we're doing appreciations and partners. One that's fairly common that people share is how they appreciate how their partners were good sports, how they did it with grace and how they just showed up full on, full in, and how they made it easy and they were easy to be with and flexible and present and all of the things. That's what I'm talking about, right? So I know that you could do it. Our clients who are struggling in their relationship and they're here to improve their relationship, they're having this appreciation, so they are doing it. So I know that you could do it too, okay?

Emma Viglucci:

So the key here again is okay, why is my partner not showing up? Or why am I not showing up and then addressing the thing? So if it's a very specific event that you don't want to go to, I mean, that's pretty obvious. But if we're talking about more dynamic things than events or outings or moments, then exploring, okay, why is this? Why is it partner national and I might myself with my partner? What is that about? Is it because of how they are being that doesn't allow me to show up and we have to be careful with it, because it sounds like we're placing blame, right. But is it something about our interactions that that doesn't allow me to show up? Or is it the way that I'm being that doesn't allow them to show up? Or is it something that's going on with me, about myself, that doesn't allow me to show up? And so, and if they're not showing up for us, then we're checking what might be happening for them, for themselves that doesn't allow them to show up. But we have to be super careful because notice, even as I'm saying that I'm kind of catching myself like, hmm, it sounds like we're blaming and so we want to be very careful. We just show up with curiosity, right, am I doing anything? Or is it something going on for them? And checking, not in an accusatory manner, but totally gentle and compassionate and curious. That's always super important. And then we address that thing, right. What might be? What might they be needing that is keeping them from showing up, or what can I tell her about how I'm showing up that then allows them to show up for me and vice versa?

Emma Viglucci:

Okay, the next one. This is more fun and this is more about, like, why a partner is not showing up to the fun, how they refuse to do all the things that we like to do. And this is when I hear things like we're not compatible. They don't like to do any of the things that I like, Right, so that comes up a lot and we might take offense to. They don't want to take pictures, they don't want to create the memories, they don't want to go do the kiddie things. I'm the one that has to take the kids everywhere. I'm the one that does all the things.

Emma Viglucci:

If I don't plan it, it doesn't happen, like, right, all the ways that this shows up. So, again, what is that about being curious? They might not be good planners. They might not be. Let's be careful with that, because this has surprised many of us, right, we think that they're not good planners, but then they might do planning in other areas and in other things, and we're like, wait a second. So that might not be the real reason, right, even though it might look like they're not good planners. But so then this is the whole point of the exploration Maybe they don't care to plan social things, or they don't care to plan the types of social things that we are pushing for.

Emma Viglucci:

That might be something. Or we have a flavor to the things that we want to do and they have a completely different flavor to the things that they like to do. So why are they supposed to do everything that we like? So there's a bunch I mean there's a bunch of different ways that this shows up. And so, again, checking in and being curious about what is our flavor, what is happening for them, what's happening for us, what is, what is, what are our common themes? And see if we could address that more directly in terms of getting on the same page and debriefing and just being more knowledgeable about what is actually happening on one hand. On the other hand, the more practical side of this is to create some kind of a rhythm or a cadence, because then it's easier for them to show up. If we are like let's go do this or I plan this, and they have their own ideas about what to do or what they wanted to do or whatever, they might not so easily come on board. And we do that a lot and I hear this a lot, and so then the thing is getting ahead of it enough, not too much, because then we're controlling Right, and again I feel like we're contorting ourselves to please our partner. No, we're meeting, we're getting right, and again it might feel like we're contorting ourselves to please our partner. No, we're meeting, we're getting our needs met. So how do we go about planning in a way that serves us both, not that undermines our partner or controls our partner or pushes our partner or stifles our partner, but allows them to show up so they have enough of a heads up so they can be there for us, or enough of a kid, and so that they know what to plan and how to plan for us. Right, that's the other thing there. Okay, very good.

Emma Viglucci:

Now, moving on to element number five and the, the ninth way in which we may not be supported or in the way our partner might not be supportive. And that is, let me actually let me say this first this next to nine and 10, this is the element of collaboration. These have to do with the more practical side of things, and when people think of their partner not being supportive, this is usually what it boils down to it's like. In the practical it's more obvious. People might be attuned to, like my partner's not being supportive with my dreams, my wishes, my career or whatever, like just in emotional or mental things. But when it comes more to the practical, this is where it really shows up, and so this is where we wanted to get to into this conversation. So this is the one that people are usually curious about how do we get support? So number nine is the real, more practical things.

Emma Viglucci:

Like people might say, sure, it's okay. This might sound very sexist and traditional because just bear with me for a second Sure, it's okay that you don't stay home with the children, that you go to work. That's one way they could play out. But then when the person goes to work, they still have to do all of the domestic. They're still responsible for all of the domestic things. They're still to blame if things fall through the cracks. They still they feel guilty if they don't get to do things with their kids, like there's all these things that happen with that choice.

Emma Viglucci:

So it feels that the other partner, the other partner, is saying sure, you could do this thing, it's okay if you do this thing. Sure, it's okay if you start your own business? Yeah, but then I started to do all of the house stuff. Sure, it's okay that you go back to school and I'm still responsible for everything else. So where's the support? Sure, you could go do the thing, but then that's not very supportive, really, right. So if, if there's no, there's no having my back in the other ways, like I'm supposed to, I'm expected to do it all. That's one way that this, this shows up. Let's see how else. Sure you could go on that vacation, but then I'm gonna torture you for spending the money, like things like this, right. So, like, sure you could do the thing, but then there's this thing that comes back to bite you. That's not supportive. So the way that we deal with that is that we address it in terms of roles, collaboration and responsibilities. So if there's clarity into how we divide and conquer things, regardless of the theme that I shared. Of sure you could go do the thing, but then there's no backup support.

Emma Viglucci:

This could show up in many different ways and just in life, how are we not supported? How do we not jointly create a joint life? How do we address that? And that is by dividing and conquering, by knowing who's going to take care of what, and that level of responsibilities or assignments can shift according to what's happening. Right, there's a new baby, there's a new career, there's a new business, there is a new whatever. So whatever's happening. There's a new business, there is a new whatever, so whatever is happening. Then the other person could step up what they take care of. So there's room and space and energy and bandwidth and all the things for the new thing to be nurtured. So there is an equilibrium there and there is a give and take here.

Emma Viglucci:

Over the lifetime of the relationship you will take turns where one time you do more than your partner in terms of the domestic things or responsibilities, because there's something else happening that they partner and you support in. And this is also where I usually say relationship math doesn't add up. We don't want to say well, you have 30 items, I have 30 items. Perfect, sure, I'll take five of yours, but then next month you have to take the five back or you have to cover five of mine. We're not doing that right. It could be a little skewed. You could have like five more your whole life and that's okay. We're not counting like that.

Emma Viglucci:

This is not how relationships work. It's about having clarity on the expectations and who takes care of what. So there is no friction and so things flow. You might have different strength and capacities and bandwidth and time and whatever, and it's okay. If you carry a little bit more of the load because you might be carrying the load in other ways, okay. So please don't do that relationship math. You'll get tripped up on that. So, defining the roles, the expectations, having that clarity super helpful. One of the downloadables that I'm giving you has a whole tool for this to help you assign and spell out all the tasks and the responsibilities so you could truly share and create that collaboration seamlessly. All right, you're welcome.

Emma Viglucci:

And then number 10, this is where you know this is something that I don't usually talk about, so this might be interesting to put in here. When we have partners or when we are the partner, who just makes life harder. Who the partner that breaks the things, who loses the things, who's always late, who doesn't pay bills on time, who spends all the money, who gets in trouble in ways in life I don't know right, who gets into the car accident, who breaks appliances, who gets hurt, who's sick all the time, like just a partner, who's just like gosh, darn it. Something else that I had to deal with because of how you're showing up. That is very interesting. I hardly talk about that. I address it in sessions, but I don't really put it in content too much, and I don't even know that I address it in session, that that directly. Like I just said it. That's interesting Something for us, both you guys and myself, to to play with.

Emma Viglucci:

But it came up here, right? So how do we address that If our partner's being baggage or if we're being baggage, right? So if a partner is, gosh, making life really challenging, what is that? What is that about? And so how do we have a conversation and how do we approach this in a way that we don't throw the person under the bus, don't beat on them, don't make them feel bad about what's going on for them, because all of this is unconscious. Something's playing out.

Emma Viglucci:

You see, this is tricky and so can that be unearthed. What is going on that this person is manifesting all this challenge, this way of being, this way of having this human experience? What is that about? Can that be explored at a deeper level with a lot of compassion, with a lot of care, like what is happening? How do we address this without saying, wow, you are really making life really difficult for us. Figure that stuff out. That's not what we're doing, right, just gentle and caring.

Emma Viglucci:

Like do we put therapy in place? Do we do? Do we put other mindfulness and other more holistic practices in place to deprogram at a deeper level, To meet needs at a different level, so that we change that pattern, that blueprint, whatever? All the things that we're doing funny there, so that we make life easier? So how do we help do that for our partner? What might be going on for them that we need to help put in place? What can we do to help break this cycle, this pattern? What's part of how we're contributing that they might be manifesting in this way from their side?

Emma Viglucci:

Like what are we creating in our relationship? What am I contributing to the relationship that's creating this thing, that this is what's happening for them. I'm not blaming you. I'm saying what are we co-creating, right? And the other way around what are you doing If you're the person that's creating all the messes? What's going on, right? Are you not speaking up about yourself, honoring yourself enough, because you don't want to rock the boat, because you think your partner might not like you because they might leave you or whatever, and therefore this thing's coming out sideways? You get the attention, the love, the care, all the other things in this other way, and vice versa, right? So there's a lot of things that are at play. So how do we address them from different places?

Emma Viglucci:

Okay, so that was number 10. Again, this is a lot. I am totally hooking you up. You don't have to do everything. You don't do everything at once. This is just to identify, wow, which one of these things might be playing out for us and what can I do differently? How can I show up differently If I'm being that partner that's not being supportive, or if my partner's not being supportive? What can I do differently so that I could get the support that I need? Not being supported? What can I do differently so that I could get the support that I need and to help you, please grab the totally free Marriage Breakthrough Essentials bundle, totally there for you. It has a bunch of different episodes to deepen into these things and all the guides with workbooks, exercises and all practical takeaways to help you do the work in whatever area you need. Okay, so please have your own back and grab that for yourself. Okay, so quick recap. So let's see.

Emma Viglucci:

Element one commitment, and, by the way, that's also a new name. So commitment, and here's how are we all in? How do we invite our partner to be all in? How are we growth oriented? How do we continue to make progress? How do we invite our partner to be all in? How are we growth oriented? How do we continue to make progress? How do we create the life that we want, right? How do we not undermine? That's what we want to work on here.

Emma Viglucci:

Number two is communication, and here's how do we align? How do we not sabotage? How do we not guesslight? How do we not dismiss? How do we feel more understood? Here's where we grab all the communication tools. There are plenty everywhere. You could grab them. Of course, all of our content has all kinds of things in there for you about this on them Our blog, our podcast and, of course, the bundle has all kinds of things, so grab that and to help you implement all the tools.

Emma Viglucci:

Element number three is the new label consciousness, and this is where you increase awareness around what's triggering for you, what's triggering for your partner, how your defense is getting in the way, how you create a loop, how you get your needs met Right All kinds of things about that, having awareness about that and how do you stretch to meet each other's needs and so that you grow and you heal and you create what you want. Number four is connection, and in connection is where we create intimacy, where we create that connection, that fun, that passion, the memories, all the good stuff, the fun, and so in here is where we put in a little rhythm for nourishing ourselves and each other and for showing up with that love easily, with not so much effort. None of these things need to be effort. And then, lastly, number five is collaboration, and this is where we create the partnership and where we make things happen, where we create the legacy, the meat of life, the life that we want. And to make this happen, we create systems, we put things in place right, so that assignment of tasks and responsibilities is one of the ways. So, again, all of these things are covered in some of the things that I put in the bundle for you.

Emma Viglucci:

Please feel free to grab that. And also, of course, you could get more support. You can find out how to work with us in the description. I put some links and some information there for you. We have a package of sessions now at 30% discount. That's massive. We're totally celebrating 25 years in practice Yay. So we want to be here with you, celebrate, support. You spread the love, and that's what that's all about. So we would love to have you take advantage of that and we will support you on your journey. Make all these things happen, all these shifts.

Emma Viglucci:

Now I would love it if you could give us a review, a five-star review. That would be fabulous. If you could share this with others who you think might be struggling, or that you know that you're struggling, that are struggling, that would be fabulous. 25 years in practice, two years of podcasting. I would love to have other people have access to this stuff. I would love your support in helping me support them. That would be fabulous. And, of course, feel free to like this. Leave us a comment, a question celebrate, celebrate with us. Give me some blowhorns, I would love it. And um, also feel free to subscribe and follow. Depends on what platform you're watching this, so then I could continue to support you in your journey and we could stay connected. Thank you so much for watching. I look forward to seeing you at the next one. In the meantime, have a fabulous one and until then, bye.

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Emma K Viglucci, LMFT

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